Should I do it?

A family friendly storygame by 149283

Player Rating1.77/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"

Based on 17 ratings since
Played times (finished )

Story Difficulty2/8

"Walk in the park"

Play Length3/8

"A nice jog down the driveway"

Maturity Level4/8

"Need to be accompanied by an adult"

Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

Player Comments

Should I do it? Should I read this story, even though I have a feeling that it'll suck? Oh well, free points!
<What would you do in James situation?> James'. Or his. This is just a small mistake, but if your description already has one, it's not a good start.
You start every page with the word description. Why? It has absolutely no reason to be there. You show the readers that you're describing something by, you know, describing it. You might want to use your page titles for something interesting, instead of telling of telling the readers the number of the page. This is not a book, they don't need to know. Your first page is just one sentence, and the trend continues throughout the story. Look at one of the highly rated stories on here, like Eternal. Is anything different?
All we learn on the first page is that some kid named Danny wants to hang out with another kid named James. Kids do that all the time. Homework's not even an issue, since you can do that in the evening. So why not, let's.
<They were smoking, drinking, and a whole lot of other things inappropriate.> Oh no! You don't say what those other inappropriate things are, so I'm just going to use my imagination ... were they eating cookies? Or did they rape a bunch of women? :)
<She only takes his phone for a week because she knew he didn’t want to be there, and he was the one who convinced the group to give drone back.> Listen up, kids. Robbing a store is totally ok as long as you return the stuff when someone threatens to call the police. You're totally still the good guy.
<You stay on the phone and help Danny and the group.> Writing in third person is too hard, hmm?
<James plays the pathos card, and his mom understands.> At least I learned a new word today.
<He grounds him for helping him,> Erm, what? Is James' mom a guy now? Or did James ground James for helping James? What the hell was did he say in that phone call that he could get grounded for?
<The next day, his mom confronts James and grounds him for three months.> Robbing a store is all fine, because you totally didn't want to do it. But god forbid someone forces you to smoke.
<After that, you don’t really remember what happened, except the next day when his Mom found out what he did and grounds him for three months.> The cigs were so strong that they made the author write in second person again.
<Danny is confused at this point and thinks James is scared. Danny reassures him his group won’t do anything to him.> Yeah James, what are you afraid of? The author never bothered to write anything about Danny on this path. The only thing you know is his name and that he wants to be your friend. Some nerds would be overjoyed that someone likes them. What is this, a Sad and Lonely Virgin: The Simulator?
<She starts yelling at him and grounds him for four months.> Now it's 4? Christ, this mom's a bitch.
The moral of the story? Don't be friends with everyone, they'll all try to convince you to kick puppies. The puppy kicking isn't all that bad, it's just a issue when your mom catches you. So maybe the moral is that you need to kill your mom? Hmm.
This story was short, badly written and didn't do a good job of teaching children how to resist peer pressure. I'd advise you to just stick with reading for now. Books are fun and you'll become a better writer by reading them. Who knows, maybe you'll even find one that deals with peer pressure, so you can learn how to write about the topic.