The Witch Diaries

I don’t want to be overly-critical because you have written a fairly original story with creative writing, good use of links, items and variables but here are some of the things I found unusual or perhaps did not understand:

“you feel someone is following you. Without turning around, you can see in your mind a man holding a cross and a wooden stake. He has on a straw hat and denim overalls. Hopefully it is just another crazy man in your town and not a threat to you?“
I am not sure which town you come from but where I live we would definitely consider this a threat.
“He is dead from hitting his head on the ground.”
It is unusual to be so relaxed about this?”
“You go home and you find newspaper headlines taped to the walls.”
This seems mildly unusual.
“Maybe your grandmother is playing a prank on you.”
Dead people and threats of burning are not common prank jokes where my grandmother is concerned?
“Daren is a boy with abs and dark skin. Next to him is Elvira. She has her hair dyed red and wears lots of eye liner.”
Unless he is shirtless how can I check his abs? Also did they have eye-liner in what I presume are medieval witch-hunting days?
“Lunette comes in to your room with her Pikachu pajamas.”
Do the Pikachu Pajamas (which are very 20th Century) giver her protective powers in a medieval age?
“Raven considers her options (Raven is the protagonist if you have not figured it out.)“
I am glad you told us this. Normally script directions are surprisingly unnecessary.
"When will we get married?"
He responds by hitting her over the head with a shovel, knocking her out.”
Apart from being rude this seems slightly untypical and also a bit unbelievable. This does not seem a big step from a random event.

Personally I enjoyed the creativity in this story but a lot of the events could have included more description which made the results of choices more believable. There is a very strong storyline behind this but it could have benefitted from a great deal more explanation and perhaps better use of the Item/Variable option (it was effective but in a way many readers would have missed I feel). Overall I think this is very good but I think I little more honing and work could make it even better :D

I love it .... , I fall in love with the story .

In terms of pros, this game has an interesting magic system, a premise and setting that instantly hooked me in, and a decently paced plot with enough dramatic tension to keep me fully engaged.

However, it's also painfully obvious that this game is an unfinished product. There are multiple errors that should have been caught during proofreading, and they really break immersion. An example is the very first choice in the game, where 'psychic' is misspelled. It's also not hard to see where the writer started losing interest, because after a certain point, the writing gets sloppier and there are several forced events or illogical consequences following certain choices.

All in all, I love to see this either revised or remade by someone who has the time and the patience to see it through, because as it stands, it seems like a waste of a perfectly good concept.

HATED IT

All right, so I'm a little disappointed here.

The author came on the forum about a week ago with the basic idea of all this, and it sounded like it could be something interesting that just had a few rough points in the plot that needed to be smoothed out.

And instead of that we get what seems like just the roughest, roughest of drafts just skimming over events instead of showing them, typed up in a rush, and then dumped on the site when they gave up on it. None of the advice given was taken, the whole thing is a hurried mess and full of errors that the author is aware of but couldn't be bothered to fix.

Running out of steam on a story and giving up or shelving it awhile is one thing, but this never should have been published as is.

Why was the man just following me with a cross? If I was being followed with a cross, I would seriously be creeped out and consider it a threat. Also, What's with the guy hitting me on the head with a shovel?!?!? What did I do to him to get that treatment?

I realize that this a moderately good story, but you probably should have at least roughly revised the draft before posting it. Also, you should have included more character descriptions for me to understand better.

"Grammatical errors and Typos are present throughout the story" ... Well if you knew that then why didn't you fix them before you published the game? :p