You'd better hide...

This story was very random and linear with not a lot of creativity and thought put into it. It needs work for the plot because there are some missing elements. Why did (Insert Name here) kill Sir Vidae? Is there some elongated backstory behind it and this is my character's final revenge? By the way, I absolutely hate when authors use Insert name here because it breaks immersion into the story and it serves no purpose. You can make a cave of time type story without putting stuff like that in there.

Secondly, the other major issue is the lack of complexity in the plot. I kill a man for no good reason and run from the police. My items are all useless except for the gun and there's only one ending where you technically wi by escaping the police instead of being rightfully shot like the incompetent murderer you are. I had little investment in the story and its character mostly because I think the author was trying to be witty and funny and it didn't work.

My suggestion would be to rewrite this in a clue mystery format, so dark humor makes sense. You could make it into a murder mystery rather than getting away with murder that has no context to it. The tone of this story is all over the place so it is hard for me to decide how I feel about it while I'm reading which is never a good thing. There was no branching of paths which probably would have been repetitive of the same mistakes made in the main path.

The main problem with the story is that you have to write it in a way people are going to be interested in it instead of sounding like some cookie-cutter oh no I killed someone better progress on the railroaded story plot. The first page did not capture a feeling of intrigue or amusement and neither did the rest of the story, unfortunately.

This just wasn’t very good. Making fun of the person’s name by the author really didn’t seem to serve any purpose in the story, so it just took the reader out of the story. The “insert your name here” also really didn’t add anything at all, so why bother including it? There’s no options on the first four pages. There’s not a big break between any of them, so all that information could just be put all together on a single page. And then, on page two, I get mad at my friend and decide to kill him. That’s not really reasonable. But I choke him to death, which somehow leaves me covered in blood. I’m not sure about the authors here, but last time I choked someone to death, there was no blood at all on me.

But then the last paragraph on that page is where it really starts going downhill. For some reason the police will be there in a couple days. Not today, not tomorrow, but definitely in a couple days. What, is there a regular patrol through that section of the woods, but only every three days? And I just happened to hit it right to get the full two days before they show up? And what’s with the sentence: “If they see his body here, they’ll know he’s dead.” Well, if that’s not the most useless sentence of all…of course they’re going to know he’s dead, because he is dead! And then, in that two days when they look down and see the body, the police are immediately going to say, “Oh yeah, two days ago, insert your name here went into the woods with this guy.” But wait, there’s more! In two days, when those police arrive, and they somehow know that you were the last person here, you’re apparently still going to have blood all over your hands from choking the guy! Have you ever heard of soap? Or are you supposed to be on a three-day washing cycle that happens to match the police patrol of the woods?

There’s plenty of other issues with items, links, and limited text and descriptions, but that page was so difficult to read and understand that I really didn’t read much more. This really needs a lot of work to be a quality story game.

Pretty bad, i'm sorry to say.

The first issue I noticed was the effort put into this. Judging from the length and the few sentences on most pages, you obviously didn't spend a lot of time on this.

The length of course isn't the only problem. There was also a huge lack of quality. The first page was decently written, but then the rest seemed extremely random, illogical, and undetailed.

Most situations seemed to randomly happen for plot convenience, and a lot of the choices are very illogical.

Very, very sloppily written no doubt, with almost no character development, extremely limited detail, and a very confusing and random plot that's introduced and put into action with almost no description of why.

Overall, I feel like this could have been written in about thirty minutes. You need to work a lot harder when writing storygames, because this obviously had very little effort put into it :(

1/8.

Too many pages with only 1 choice. And the finding the exit part was stupid. Besides from that, good story.

4/8

It was kinda short, but i enjoyed it!

I don't see any way to win. ?

Lol I got smuggled into another country

I guess I got the best ending text read: Be a good ol' boy in your new country. Peace out

cool

got it.final line"be a good boy in your new country"