Player Comments on Climbing Beyond The Clouds

Disclaimer: As usual, you can expect spoilers so read this storygame before looking at my comment. This review is my own subjective opinion; feel free to disagree with or disregard parts of it as you see fit.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

The top comment includes the line, “There is nothing I can think to say that hasn't already been said by others”. Well, with my usual verbosity, I take that as a challenge and I am determined to say a lot about this story that has not been said before.

Let’s talk about the first page. I like the idea of stat tracking so it puts the reader in the protagonist’s position as he starts an arduous track up the mountain. It sets out the stakes pretty well. My only gripe is the comma splice and the random capitalisation of Story. As Will tends to do really well, this story is inspired by historical events too.

If I had a penny for every time one of Will’s protagonists leaves behind his wife to go on a crazy ambitious adventure and his wife is upset about this but ends up supporting his goal, I would have two pennies, which isn’t much but it is strange it happened twice. The letter is a good way of showing us the protagonist’s personality, goal and internal conflict with a few words. Therefore it gives the reader all the information they need to know about his background without slowing the pacing. It is also a good way to set out the intensity of the goal: he tried to climb the mountain twice before, seven men died in the attempt, and his family will suffer the losses if he fails. Still, he refuses to step away from the challenge.

WRITING

The story has good descriptions and sufficient detail to imagine each scene. Normally, using numbers (like the specific measurements of the mountains) are advised against in creative writing since they activate the more logical part of the brain, meaning readers are focused on the realism and factual basis of the information rather than being immersed in the story. However, I see how it works here as an exception to the rule. This is an Edutainment story and the protagonist is someone who would likely know this information; besides, it sets the stakes and establishes the enormity of the task at hand. This device is also used to show how close the protagonist had gotten before and the relative scale of it all.

‘Expression of shocks’ - shocks shouldn’t be plural here, but this could just be a part missed in editing. Also the term ‘just the think’ (should’ve been ‘thing’) is another small error unless you were trying to make a statement about the childlike way Charles speaks. There were a few other things like a missed punctuation mark after dialogue, nothing too major though. Anyway this is a story not an english essay so I won’t dwell too much on minor proofreading points.

I liked the story-specific terminology, like Sardar and Sherpa, and the names of places such as Shelkar, Kempa, and Rongbuk Monastery. So often generic names and places are used, even in stories reflecting the real world, so it is good to see references to the actual culture and original names, even—or especially—when they are unfamiliar to readers.

The writing is competent but isn’t the strongest here. I only say this because I know of Will’s abilities as a great writer. At times, it relies too much on telling, like the moment in Shelkar where the protagonist has a fever and cough and that’s just brushed over in a one liner? Now of course, there’s no point in drawing out every detail if it isn’t important to the story, but I would’ve liked to see a bit more *impact* for each event that occurs. We know how determined the protagonist is and we know he has a lot to lose. The build-up is great, so build upon it. Is the protagonist worried about this affecting his ability to finish his trip? Does he force himself forward through the sickness? Without grounding the reader in the moment, it seems like this one-liner is just an excuse to reduce points from the health stat.

Similarly, with Charles leaving, why does our protagonist not seem impacted in the slightest? Even if he doesn’t care about him, show us that he doesn’t care; use this moment to prove he is so entrenched in his goal that his friend’s death is only seen as a minor obstacle, as an inevitable event separating the weak from the strong. I must confess, I do have imposter syndrome typing this as I know Will probably already knows about these things, and has applied them well in other stories, but who knows, maybe this helps a future reader or two.

The letters made me a little emotional. They really capture the feeling of wanting the best for someone yet wanting them to return. There are lots of little details I appreciate, from telling the protagonist what life back home is like and how much he is missed, to the reluctant understanding that this is something he has to do. It makes me miss my family back home—there’s the same tone of their messages when your parents tell you about your little siblings and what they’re up to, and they recognize your ambitions and career path despite wishing you would’ve stayed. They tell you everything you’re missing out on, all the little comforts and commodities, while expressing love and not-so-subtly saying that you should return home as soon as possible. But you are so sure of your choice and you know you have to press on, even though it kills you inside to think that your ambitions have caused them grief and suffering. Okay that is making me sad now so I shall move on.

Something I call ‘summary writing’ (where the narrative quickly glosses over what happens, using telling instead of showing) occurs quite frequently in the story. There is also a mix of technical writing and creative writing. Coming back to this point after reading the story and its reviews, I think this is what the other comments seem to be pointing out. Since this is Edutainment, it makes sense to educate people about mountain climbing, including statistics about the height and altitude. But in this story, there are often times when it breaks immersion slightly. Some advice I read in the past is that your anchor to a story’s world is the protagonist. Whilst it makes sense for the protagonist to know these statistics, it dilutes the stakes slightly, since when climbing, an ordinary person wouldn’t be thinking about these as their mind would be preoccupied with, you know, not dying. Yet if you could link the protagonist thinking about the height of the mountain to his fear about how high the fall would be, that might be a more effective way to make use of that information while keeping immersion.

There are a lot of creative descriptions for the mental and physical pain that comes with climbing a mountain. I liked the imagery of a giant fist squeezing your skull. There were also some well-written coping strategies, like the man who dropped to his knees and buried his head in the snow to stop himself from feeling pain. It shows how significant the pain was to him, how he was driven to irrationality by way of his desperation and that was one of the moments where I realized just how strenuous mountain climbing would be.

CHARACTER & PLOT

The dynamic between George, the protagonist, and Charles, the expedition leader is interesting. Despite being the leader, Charles is described as ‘more boy than man’ and lets George make the first decision. Maybe it’s just because my coffee hasn’t sunk in yet but I don’t understand exactly what he is saying about mosquitos and tigers and what? But if your intention was to make him confusing, that works very well, my brain is muddled.

Oh, Charles died. Should’ve expected a slow death of all side characters as is typical of Will’s work. Let’s at least try to make sure our protagonist makes it out alive.

Choices between ambition and practicality seems to be the driving force in this story, which makes sense given what we know of the protagonist. He is rational and knows of the risks involved. At the same time, he is consumed by a desire to climb beyond the clouds, to conquer the mountain. For instance, with the first choice, we choose between the risky road or safe option. Risk comes with a reduction to health stat. Or with the choice to stay at camp to set up tents or climb further up the mountain, you can climb up but it is important to know when to turn back.

A side note, I like the name Man. Something about the scene where you climb with Man seems so thematic, as if mankind were by your side in the snowstorm and you are representing something greater with your ascent. His name could also foreshadow his tragic end in this story about how mankind’s resolve to do great things might sometimes lead to their own downfall. Or maybe it’s just a good pun.

“I remember in New York when that American journalist asked you why you wanted to do something as mad as climbing Mount Everest you replied “because it’s there.”” Haha, that’s an answer for sure. I suppose if the mountain were ten times higher his answer would be the same.

Some choices were not as clear cut as ambition vs safety, such as choosing to stay behind with the sick guides or climbing down the mountain to avoid a storm, or the earlier choice on another path of looking for a missing guide or letting others do that instead. Yet this shows the community between this group of mountain climbers engaged in a common goal, and how humanity can be found even in unfamiliar situations.

Letting Odell and Sandy go before you led to an unfortunate epilogue where they did not make it. We are told the protagonist lived a long life, though it would have been nice to see whether his stance on mountain climbing had changed, if he managed to find joy in similar but less risky ventures (was rock-climbing an option back them?) and whether that has impacted his satisfaction with life.

Now, what about choosing to climb instead? Getting to the rock face gives the reader an idea of how the pair died. Interestingly enough, here, unlike the rest of the story, the choice that is rewarded is not going back but continuing on. I suppose there is a lesson somewhere about how, when you get this close to your goals, it would be foolish to turn back.

I finally reached the top, climbing beyond the clouds! I could have probably made better decisions since I am left with very little strength, but oh well. There is something romantic about him leaving a picture of his wife at the top of the mountain as if to say, we did it together.

Oh. Wait, what? Both choices on turning back lead to death. I guess I do have to try a better run.

Hi, it’s Mystic several runs later. It seems like there is no way to actually reach the peak and survive unless I am missing something? Even knowing the outcomes of all the choices and how to best conserve strength, there seems to be no ‘happy’ ending. The best one appears to be the epilogue where the protagonist returns after the death of his fellow climbers.

Now it’s Mystic from much later as she finishes writing up this review. Unlike other commenters I’ve come to like the strength stat. Yes, I understand that it isn’t the fizzling out of strength which leads to most endings, which may be why readers felt misled by the starting page. But aside from setting the stakes I think it has another purpose: It conveys the theme about how we, as humans, have limits. I know this sounds obvious but it’s a reminder to those of us who constantly try to push the limits of what we can do, for better or worse.

This story shows the risk of ambition being left unchecked. I like the nuance that it isn’t a lack of knowledge or planning which kills the protagonist most of the time, but ambition and a lofty dream. It is ambition which drives some of the most brilliant people on Earth. Lots of CEOs and founders and visionaries talk about being obsessed with their projects, giving up free time and sleep to work on them, and to some extent, this leads to success. But it is equally important to remember all the bodies buried beneath the snow. All the people who worked themselves to death, pushing themselves beyond the limits. There has to be a balance between putting in your best effort to ‘climb beyond the clouds’ in life, and ensuring your body and mind are not working to the point of collapse. Yeah, I think I know why Will wanted me to read this story :)

Overall, this is a short and informative story about the reality of climbing Mount Everest, and as always with Will’s stories, I enjoyed reading it.

This is a worthwhile read. I can definitely recommend it to others. Unfortunately, There is nothing I can think to say that hasn't already been said by others.

Bill_Ingersoll said everything. Unfortunately his comment spoils the endings with any amount of inference on the readers part.

I had very similar thoughts and "quibbles"

The Strength stat is totally misleading. It has no function other than to waste space and confuse the reader as to how the game works. I should add here that I never tried to make it hit zero. I assume it works. I thought the stat was going to be a fun sort of gamification, but this isn't a climbing sim. This recounts events while making very few compromises.

This writing is chiefly about the facts and isn't immersive. When I was scoring this on my rubric I was about to give it the minimal score for "Character" but then I remembered Ruth. Her characterization is the only real human touch to the story. This would be very sterile without those letters. I am very thankful that the author took liberties in that regard.

Climbing Everest in these days is one of the wildest things people have ever attempted in my opinion. These groups were about as close to the "adventuring parties" of fantasy as we could ask for. There are other examples as well, but deliberately traversing "the death zone" just because it is there is a bit like a dungeon dive. This and trying to reach the North/South Pole deserve more attention.

Beautifully written, Will. You did quite an amazing job with creating such a great sense of foreboding for certain scenes of the story, so much so that I questioned several times as to why anyone would even want to traverse such a dangerous mountain to begin with.

The letters of the wife were also a good motivation for me to get the protagonist back home safe, so I couldn't help but make that my priority as I read through this amazing story.

Once again, the amount of effort that you put in this shines through brilliantly.

Bravo, Will :) I definitely had my fun with reading this.

Fan-tas-tic! A great look into an incredible part of history.

I had to laugh out loud when I saw that Will promised that this would be his last Edutainment game lol.

I liked the elevation update on every page that helped me to stay oriented on my ascent.

I've never really understood the allure of Everest, but the evocative title caught my eye, and I found it to be a compelling read. That said, I feel like you could probably have done without the Strength stat, since it seemed like death was generally choice-based. I thought the letters were a poignant touch... especially since, as far as I can tell, there's no way to have your cake and eat it, too. Which was the right choice from a storytelling perspective, I think. Either ending is bittersweet.

All in all, a journey worth taking.

So before I got too far into this story I had to cheat first and consult Google. The hook for this storygame is to become the first person to summit Everest. But then when I began the story and saw this was about Mallory in 1924, and not Hillary in 1953...

Well, let's just say that I invite every reader to do that same Google search. And be sure to look at the pictures of what became of Mallory on Mount Everest.

Beyond the ultimate outcome of the expedition, I don't know much of details of what happened in June 1924. Therefore this was an informative read that I enjoyed. Since I knew the true ending ahead of time--those images from 1999 are hard to forget, 20 years later--I kept reading until I had the option to climb with a fellow mountaineer named Irvine. Then when disaster struck, I used my ice axe and found exactly what I was looking for.

So yes, this was a short but enjoyable read, giving me some insight into the events leading up to Mallory's death. But I do have some quibbles:

First and foremost, the "Strength" stat is mostly useless. On the first page there is an explanation that if this stat drops to zero, you die. But in all of the death endings I encountered this stat never did reach zero. In this story--as in real life--it's not math that kills you, but chemistry. Namely, the lack of both oxygen and heat makes Everest one of the few places on Earth where life is impossible. If climbers are dying by the dozen in 2019, then the odds were poorer in 1924.

Second, I don't find the writing style truly immersive. It rushes from factoid to factoid, but provides limited insight into the mountaineering culture. The story seems reasonably well researched, but it reads more like a school report than an immersive you-are-there experience.

On the other hand, the letters from Ruth were a nice touch, and I found her to be the most compelling character in the whole story. She was speaking from the heart, whereas Mallory is more of a cipher. Was there really a new letter going up the mountain every day, though?

Also, this story indulges in the tantalizing theory that Mallory actually did reach the summit, although we may never know for sure. However, it mentions something about Mallory's snow goggles flying off as he tumbled down the mountain. If I recall correctly, [SPOILER] these were among the items found on his body.

And for the ultimate SPOILER: https://video.nationalgeographic.com/video/ng-adventure/0000015d-6175-d466-a57f-f9fd87020000?source=relatedvideo

Really well-written. The letters from my wife made me more determined to survive for her, and I like how the options that could be considered more 'selfish' actually directly benefit you sometimes, allowing you to keep your strength.

There's one thing I really need to know, though - can you save Man?

This was well written and not too long of a story. I really enjoyed reading it! Nice little history lesson to boot.

it was good

:) That was awesome writing. It is a noble goal to put these true stories before the world, so that we do not forget the lessons of the past. It is terrible so many died trying to reach Mt. Everest. But, this is a true story.

Epilogue: Memorial Service at St Pauls Cathedral
Four months later you find yourself standing with the other European survivors of the Everest expedition in St Paul’s Cathedral for Odell and Sandy’s memorial service. All of Britain has been shocked by the loss of the two famous climbers. The British Prime Minister and all the members of the British Cabinet sit in the front pew. Across from them sit members of the Royal Family, King George V and his wife Queen Mary among them...
Long after Edmund Hilary and Tenzin Norgay reach the summit of Mount Everest in 1953 uncertainty continues to reign over whether others did it first nearly thirty years before. You are questioned endlessly about where exactly you saw Odell and Sandy climbing the mountain that day until you become uncertain. You live a long life with your wife Ruth and your three wonderful children Frances, Berry and John but until your dying day in 1987 you can never forget about your friends who climbed beyond the clouds on Everest and never came back…
STRENGTH is 4.""

Hmm... makes me wonder if it would have been better to choose that ending of climbing to the summit with them and then plunge into darkness\death due to their\our? fall from the mountain after coming down from the summit. Well, guess sometimes you never know. ;)

Fantastic!

This storygame is extremely good! I loved pretty much everything about it.

The branching was really great, and the quality was consistent enough that I was able to read through the story multiple times and enjoy every ending :D

The characters have great development, and they have personality. The well developed characters really helped me understand the storygame a bit better. I was very glad we got to hear a little bit from the wife's point of view in her letters.

The plot was also very, very creative. It was a really fun edutainment game, and it's certainly very original.

Sure, this storygame isn't the longest, but there's a good amount of branching, words per page, and the writing is very high quality!

I enjoyed every word of this storygame, and it's no doubt one of my favorites.

7/8, amazing work Will! :)

Is there any way to climb mount everest AND survive???

Great.

Great game!

I had a lot of fun playing this!

research was obviously done with this kind of story. Nice job.

In short, my brain exploded.

Woohoo!

Loved this story!

i really liked this one. i think i got more emotionally attached to this than i should have.

:( I got to the top but both ways down killed me. Is the point to show the deadliness of Everest? Either way, good job. This was a potent, realistic, and heartbreaking story.

As always, a fantastic, realistic game from you Will. The writing was great and it brought to mind some of the real horrors of Everest, even as I sit here in my home across the world from it. Is there truly no way to reach the top, though? D:

I just. . . Will11, you never fail to amaze us. I wonder how is it that you always manage to combine a lesson about history (or in this case, mount Everest) and a good story? Maybe, the answer is simple. That you are a very talented writer.
Just keep writing stories. We all appreciate it.

Edutainment stories are usually not my cup of tea, but Will11 once again manages to be one of the only exceptions.

Everything was very well done, with my only issue being the incessant "what do you do?" I just really don't like that phrase and the end of a CYOA page, and it really jars me while reading such fantastic writing.

All in all, a solid 5/8. I just hope that Will11 decides to make other types of stories...

So, Will, what will you do?

Another Will11 masterpiece, I see! It's well-written, and the length is just a tad short (just a tad). However, the story made up for it. I rate this 5/8.

Well done Will! I enjoyed this story a lot. Clearly a lot of effort has gone into it. I have given it a 6/8. As it was pretty good!