death note (this is my first story)

Ok, I don’t usually bother doing this but as you seem to be making an effort to be more polite and specifically asked people to check your unpublished story-game (though, as you are friends with Avo why not just ask her to proofread it for you?) I’ll check it.

First off there are a ton of spelling mistakes on the first page. Don’t start a sentence with *. Use punctuation. Use capital letters at the start of peoples’ names. The word “writing” is spelt like this. You mix up your pronouns. How do we know the criminal dies? You do nothing to describe the main character. Sentences start with capital letters. We don’t add -s to present simple verbs with the pronoun “you”. Is Light my name? What stuff do I need to pick up? Why do I randomly kill an old man? What is a shingami?

Finally, and most importantly, while the story just seems unoriginal to me others say it is straight-up plagiarized (badly) from the original (I’m not familiar with the original so can’t judge). Even with Fan Fiction you have to put in new characters and ideas, otherwise I might as well just read the original which won’t contain all these horrific SPAG (spelling, punctuation and grammar) mistakes. Currently this is basically a terrible, butchered copy of the original.

It is strange that you want to be a writer as, based on the number of mistakes you make with almost every sentence, you seem especially unprepared to write legibly and may be hard-pushed to write a coherent postcard. If you are determined to do this then write in Microsoft Word and use the spellchecker to catch as many of your mistakes as possible before copying and pasting the text into the story here. You have the right idea in asking people to proofread this (and your more subdued forum presence is definitely an improvement) but you need people with a lot of patience to slog through this (so it’s lucky you caught me on a good day). Try asking Avo to proofread this.

Also, be creative and original and take your story in different directions. Accurately describing characters and situations is another weak area for you so give your characters names, appearances, personalities etc. Develop things. Practice makes perfect and the more you write the better you should get (doesn’t always happen, some writers just remain crap forever). Also, as you seem a fan of anime look at how they structure their sentences and present their characters. They have the benefit of pictures to help tell the story but with cys you mostly don’t have that so you need to write more like a novel than an anime comic. Good luck with that.

I saw you ask for advice in the forums, and decided to peep your story-game!

The first thing I will say is to watch your spelling. For example, on your first page you misspelled "write" as "right". If you cannot differentiate homophones (words that sound the same but don't mean the same things - eg; two & too) I suggest you lay off the writing portion for a bit and learn some proper grammar.

Here is a passage from your story game, "You wait a minute and as soon as your were about to turn of the TV the crimanal dies he sit there quietly try to think of a excuse. so you dont thinks you just murdered sombody so you think it was just a coincedence."

Okay, there is quite a lot of issues to unpack here. To start, you've misspelled; off, criminal, somebody, coincidence. Your sentences also are barely coherent because of the SPaG issues, for instance you wrote, " The crimanal dies he sit there quietly try to think of a excuse." This sentence was worded really oddly, and I had no idea if you were talking about the criminal or the protagonist. Another very prominent SPaG issue I saw were your run-on sentences. "You wait a minute and as soon as your were about to turn of the TV the crimanal dies he sit there quietly try to think of a excuse" There should be a comma after TV and a period after "crimanal" based off of what I guessed you were trying to convey.

There are many more SPaG issues I could go on about, but my advice for now is to write your story-game in Google Docs (where you can use spell-check). Doing this should at least help with spelling some words, but you WILL need to learn grammar rules yourself.

One last issue I had with this story-game is the fact you're plagiarizing Death Note. I understand you're a fan of Death Note, but your story-game so far is basically just a poorly worded version of the actual Death Note opening scene. If you want to write a fan-story, please come up with your own original plot line. You could write a path where Light ends up beating Near? The possibilities are endless.

All in all, this was incredibly hard to read and heavily plagiarizing Death Note, but I believe you can improve, just make sure to check your spelling and come up with an original plot!

Hot garbage. This blatant plagiarism, a third-rate retelling of Death Note. Instead of literally copying the start of Death Note, maybe try to be more original.

Honestly, pretty good idea, but I feel like if you just copied the plotline of Death Note, it would become predictable. Also please check your spelling.