Player Comments on Dragons

*SPOILERS*

There are a lot of things wrong with this. I'll give you specifics so that you can see exactly what was incorrect so that you can fix it in the future.

The first thing is the easiest thing. You *have* to proofread thoroughly before you publish. That means that you need to reread your story several times and have other people read it to find the mistakes in your writing. You clearly didn't spend much time on this phase since the writing is abundant with spelling, grammar, and punctuation issues. Another issue was verb tense. You usually kept a consistent present tense, but you sometimes switched to a past tense. For example, while the player is eating lunch, you wrote, "'What was that?' Father muttered. You offer..." Before Father speaks, the verb tense is present, then he speaks and it's past, then the narration continues and it's present again. If you proofread better, you likely would have caught this. Another thing that helps during the proofreading stage is reading the story out loud. This helps you eliminate any choppy sentences and form better flow. Throughout the story, there are a lot of short, simple sentences that don't produce an effect at all. They simply slow down the reading and make it less comfortable to read. This also would have caught the unrealistic and choppy dialogue between characters. Make sure you're varying your sentence types and not using only one transition word throughout the entire story.

As for the actual storytelling, you could have done much better to say the least. The descriptions of objects, people, and environment are just so surface and, frankly, often missing. You don't take time ever to just stop the progression of time to take in a moment. Nothing is important in this story and nothing has emphasis. The characterization is nonexistent, as there is no room in 1600 words to make dynamic characters, especially with how you write. The protagonist stays exactly the same, Blaze is essentially an object, and Aaron is just there. Speaking of Aaron, what were you going for with him? Clearly he's meant to be an important side character and mentor to the protagonist and Blaze, but he doesn't actually do anything. There's no time where Aaron is training them at all except for one time when you mention that "Aaron was training Blaze" but that's it. There's no description at all. Then, when Aaron dies, you describe it in literally one sentence. The protagonist has no emotions and doesn't seem to care at all that Aaron died. Here's a list of some other things I had problems with:
- There's an "unkown enemy trying to find you" that never shows up again and it's never really explained how the "enemy" knew you were there or why they were looking for you.
- At one point as Blaze is following you, you, "realize that this dragon is yours." Did you not know before? How do you know now?
- For whatever reason you can also understand Blaze, but he never has dialogue. He never talks to you.
- The actions are strange. When you're first talking to Aaron, he introduces yourself, does nothing, then you flinch. Why?
- You often break the fourth wall, addressing the reader directly. Again, why? It just disrupts what little story there is.

Now for my gripes with the use of the advanced editor and the organization and general pace of the story. First, you attempt to use the items feature, but it doesn't actually do anything. When you befriend Blaze, you get him as an item. This further characterizes him as an inanimate object, so I guess that's something. Second, there's only one ending. All paths lead to the same place. Third, when you choose the wrong choice, the game directly tells you to choose the other choice instead of the player dying or suffering a bad consequence. Often, the first choices are the most important ones. They dictate what you're going to do for the rest of the story, unless they lead to the *exact same place* like they do here. Finally, the ending is terrible. It's literally "you got to the place you wanted to go so your quest is done." What the hell? Nothing happens. Nothing. There is no climax to this story. Nothing is exciting. Reading this, I felt nothing but pain and rage. If this is some elaborate plot to make people mad, then by God you've succeeded. If I was older, I'd need a drink.

Uhh... Well I think the game could've been good, except most of it didn't make any sense. At the beginning you leave home because an unknown foe is looking for the dragon. How do you know about that? And after you sneak past the guards, all the villagers are talking about how the guards are looking for someone who snuck past them... If they didn't see you, how do they know you snuck past them? If they did see you why didn't they just arrest you there and then? Then near the end I got arrested and taken to jail... And then suddenly I was out of jail with no explanation of how I got out. I think you could probably write a better story game, but you need to make sure that everything in your story makes sense before you publish it.

Not very interesting, and almost all choices lead to the same end, why?

Stakes are kinda trash

Giving people the option to not "choose the adventure" without even wrapping it up with some sort of ending is bad mojo, IMHO.

Terribly designed. Too short

I guess I have a dragon now.

Good job!

This is basically a summary of the Inheritance Cycle and not an original story. And it doesn't contain the best of grammar nor wording. Also was quite cheesy. There needs to be more details, but don't focus to much on them.
Why didn't the kid take money with him?
What about his dad?
Was ol' Aaron senial?!

needs to be longer

I'm with Briar on the 'None of this made any sense' part. The whole thing is very disjointed. I find a 'stone' then at some unmentioned point while eating lunch apparently realize it's a dragon egg, and I'm completely unphased by that?

Then I leave home because of some unknown enemy, which also was never mentioned? I attack guards and lose, yet somehow am still able to sneak past them? Later I get thrown in jail, except the next page I'm suddenly back in the forest and there's some random old man who dies without having any purpose whatsoever to have been included in the story.

The writing it decent as far as spelling and grammar and all that goes, especially with the age I'm assuming for the author, but there are some serious logic issues all throughout the plot that are difficult to get past.

So-so story. Short.

This story was okay it is pretty short and seemed rushed. If your "adventure" was in a better area it might have been longer which is a better choice than making really short. The storyline although was really interesting. Also there wasn't a lot of choices and you should make more endings. Anyways good job coming up with the idea and hope that you do end up making the sequel and that your story improves.

Story is clearly inspired by Eragon, pitifully short and linear plot, pity point for trying, be more original in the future, 2/8

Great story game. Can not wait for the next one.

man when i was reading this i was tinking how similar this is to erogan and its an amazing book go cheak it out read it love but yeah i think you somewhat got your enxperation by the book but overall liked it #Erogan

Not the best, not the worst. I liked it, however. 6/8

Short, not too descriptive, confusing at times. I liked the effort you put into it - there was clearly some amount - but it just wasn't long or detailed enough. I got a lot of 'Eragon' vibes from it - finding a dragon egg, hiding it, finding an old man who trains you, then dies, etc. Brom, is that you?

Regardless, good effort. 3/8, could have been a lot better with just a bit more time put into it! :D

Awesome! One of the best.

It was boring.

could have been longer
8/8
just because I feel generous

Well... Sooo short and Didn't realy have a plot.

i liked the story, but i dont get it. what happened to the guards?

Wha- wtf just happened? It's so short, Like wtf.

Not Bad...

Sounds like a replay of Eragon.

SEQUEL PLZZZZZ!!!! I <3 DRAGONS!!!!!!

The plot is fairly absent, this is a story about a dragon involving talking to a dragon, playing with a dragon and doing random stuff with a dragon. I suspect you might really like dragons. If there I had a dragon then I think I would use it to fly to the top of Everest and melt snow into water for the weary climbers, if you write another story about dragons I would recommend giving it some challenging adventures to do, possibly involving castles and lava like in Shrek :)

I like it, but wishit was longer

Not very good. Pretty linear, and had no interesting bits. I don't think this should be published, and I certainly don't want to see a sequel if this is what it will be like. 2/8.

Well there was a clear effort put into creating the plot. Sadly many parts didn't seem to add up and it was indeed very short. As an introduction it isn't bad but it needs to be part of a full story and needs to be tidied up a bit.

Intersting! I can't wait for the sequel.

Better than some. Idea seems similar to the "Inheritance Cycle" series in finding the dragon stone etc. No substance to the story but might be enjoyable to small children. 4/8

You couldn't even use the items! And it was so confusing >.< Most of it didn't make sense! What were you thinking?! (walking away, frustrated)

If you're going to give the player an option not to choose the adventure, you should probably put in a non-adventure path. That hurts your score right off the bat. This is a definite improvement though.

Alright, but it's a very common type of story, find a pet, raise it bla bla.

The story's quite short and uninteresting, honestly:
So the plot is basically You->Dragon->Food->Wanted?

This story has a few kinks, as far as I see. These aren't glitches, this is you not linking up your pages to the right places.

Was okay. I think she missed a few parts that are important. Wait I made this, i did miss important parts and don't know how to fix it. Must be a glitch. Well, that's my comment, don't hate me for not being able to fix it, on one part, it skips to the end.