Player Comments on Friend Zone

Well, this story was really short and I guess I would say it was "ok". It is decently written, but could be a lot better if it was expanded a bit.

Spoilers:

This story is less that 1500 words, and for that length it seems to do a decent job of branching, but it doesn't really deliver on requiring any effort to escape the friend zone. On my first play, I made 3 choices and ended up successfully out of the friend zone happily married. I mean, 5 years of crushing on this dude, and all you had to do was say you are sick and let him come over. This game would have been much better to remove this easy good ending and to force choices requiring more interaction.

The characterization isn't that great. I don't understand why this guy is "the guy", and how right after crying so much over Daniel, I just go out with the Starbucks guy and have happy ending with him. Perhaps my lack of understanding is due to the fact that I am not a teenage girl. So, because of that, a bit more characterization and understanding of motivation would be good to help get into the story and character.

Also, I really really really (did I say really) have a hard time with stories that extrapolate your girlfriend/boyfriend at 16 to lifelong marriage and relationship. And when this is done within a couple sentences of just getting a first date it totally breaks down. If the goal is to just get out of the friend zone, a first date would be a much better end. The yadda, yadda, yadda now happily ever after endings really ruin it for me.

Overall, this story was perhaps "ok". The concept of using the friend zone as a game (just like irl - hah) could really be good with enough effort put into it. This story would also be immensely better if more work was put into developing the characters.

Eh, I guess the story was alright. Honestly I don’t think the story is a very good romance. I mean Daniel cheats on you in the epilogue so I don’t know if escaping the friend zone was a good thing here.

Romances take a while to build up I hate the just bam they’re in love routine in stories. So this story being short kinda hurts that overall.

My biggest complaints are the lack of character development and the short length of the story both of which this author can improve on. Otherwise the story is fine it just has room for improvement.

For once I have the energy to give my time to the romance section in general. Though the author may never return to read it, I think that a lot of things can be learnt from this particular story game.

I do have to say that the inner character voice sounds like an annoying teenager, which is a good thing. It’s at least better than a cardboard cutout. You know, I do have a feeling what kind of person the protagonist is though she is somewhat grating my nerves every time she opens her mouth.

The spelling is and grammar is okay. I’ve seen some awkward sentences, but it didn’t irritate me that much. The paragraphs are evenly spaced. So great job! Now to the meat of why I dislike these stories that much.

Characters
In fantasy and sci-fi, you can get away with bland shitty characters with no personality at all, because you have ACTION and ADVENTURE and PUZZLES. Sadly enough, pure romance flicks don’t usually have those three. So you have to make due with the only fire power you’ve got: characters.

If the characters are bad, the romance is bad.

The big problem with most of these romance stories is this: Why is the protagonist in love with this dude? When I read through it, I have no idea what kind of person this Daniel is aside that he is your friend for at least five years. There’s zero to no interaction between you and him except for these text messages and perhaps a few lines of bland dialogue?

I want to know more details. How is their dynamic like? Who is the jokey one of the two, the more responsible one? How did they met? Give us some more examples why we as readers should fall in love with the guy.

I have the same problem with Oliver. The lad is a starbucks barista and you get married with him in the length of I guess three paragraphs. In what way is he a better guy than Daniel? Is he more thoughtful, does he have his life all planned out, does he have more money than him? Give us something to make us care about him.

It’s basically a show, don’t tell thing.

One extra comment that I have to make is: she had friggin five years to confess her feelings to him. Why the hell didn’t she do that? Any normal person with a single brain cell would have either: given up already or told their feelings to their best friend. But no, she doesn’t do that. At least you can give us readers a proper explanation.

Branching and story
The Daniel ‘happy’ ending doesn’t feel that happy. You basically ditched your friend Mary for this piece of shit that cheats on his girlfriend. The story calls that happy. I do feel like that this ending could be spruced up a little more with a bit of drama. Now it seems like the protagonist doesn’t care about Mary at all even though she was really good friends with her.

Come on, you could have the protagonist have a heart to heart talk with Mary about this. Perhaps this is enough to break off your friendship or there could be an option where you can repair it.

Okay, and I think that I’m pretty confused that with one ending with Daniel you are all lovey dovey with him with two children. Then you have another ending where he was cheating on you. Sounds like the story doesn’t know whether he is a douchebag or an even greater douchebag. The fun thing is that the narrative itself isn’t even aware of this.

I know that with the romance genre, thinking up different endings is pretty hard. You know, if you have only one guy, how many endings could you possibly think of? Well, with these kind of things you can either be a little more creative about it or more linear.

Look, it’s a romance game, you can make the Oliver branch just a tad smidge bigger. Then perhaps you can make an ending where you stay single and one where you and Mary both stay single. Then you can have another ending where you and Mary are dating. Of course with Daniel, you can have the happy ending where you reconcile your friendship with Mary and get the chance to date Daniel. Then you have a less happy ending where Mary breaks off your friendship.

Look, with a bit of thinking, you can think of at least six endings that can all make sense with a little bit of explanation without anyone being out of character.

Conclusion
For a short game, this is all right, passable. However, I know that everyone including you can write better than this. The romance corner of the site is truly dreadful, but I know that there is a lot of potential. This scenario for example lends itself to great storytelling as long as you put the time and effort into learning about your own characters and the strength and weaknesses of the genre.

it was really fun to play it was amazing, I went back trying every option bringing a smile to my face amazing job ｡◕‿◕｡

Forget about Daniel, Mary and I should ditch him and go have our own lesbian experience.

Gos this hard

oh

This is such a cute story! It was extremely fun to do and I really like it. Good job!

I changed my mind,it was great.

hi it was okay,very short.thanks for your time and effort though.
-Hanako

Eat my cunt

At least it was readable. Anything more I could say about the characters or the plausibility of some scenarios would take way too much effort for an author that hasn't logged on in 8 years.

You probs made this a long time ago but it makes me happy that you have a passage for the reader that is a healthy way to deal with a situation like this and it can help others learn how to deal learn from things like these. Simple, but I liked it. Honesty I just think that Daniel should go die in a hole and fuck some slut he finds there if he’s so desperate
????????

The fact that you ultimately get over your crush and find a better person is a better ending than basically every YA game I've ever played. 10/10.

where the FUCK is the option to kiss Mary where is the GIRL POWER 0/10

Gross.

I really liked it. it was not too cheesy

This story was very short. Now just because a story is short doesn't mean it's bad, but it gives you less chance to flesh out the plot and the characters. This story had more potential to make me feel sad for the character, and it started out so I might have a chance to, but then it just ended abruptly.

I will give you this, for your first story it wasn't bad at all. It had multiple paths, and even if it was short it wasn't as bad as some other stories I have seen on this site. Keep up the good work!

I think it was pretty OK. It was short but it made sense. I would of liked a little more detail with the ending when she meets a new guy. You just said he met a new dude and nothing else. But, over all, I think it was a nice story.

Good storyline

Very short story with basically one ending.

pretty short would like it if it was longer

it was ok

not good

its pretty good and i like the story alot

It was ok

I love love story’s but to chessey

And the moral of the story is: your crush is a piece of shit.

Enjoyable story, by the way.

I like how you are a girl that has had her heartbroken by her best friend and her crush. I picked The barista in the end, because who really wants to see their crush after they broke your heart with your best friend? NO ONE DOES!!!!! Have fun wit the game!! :)

OMG so good but hard and I felt proud when I got out of the friendzone

really short and undescriptive

I thought the game win was to get out of the friend zone? Spoiler: Then why did I get a better ending by not getting out of friend zone?

You know, I like this. I thought it was going to be a super shitty game, but it's actually decent.

Listen, dipshit. I dont care if this is your first game. Do you know how many times I had to replay this? Too many. Too many times. Oliver was way better than ****ing Daniel. I, a lesbian, am both offended by the lack of chemistry with Daniel and the lack of potential with Mary. Mary, our best friend, who's been with us since diapers (i assume). I don't want to get out of the friendzone with Daniel, but rather with our dear friend, Mother Mary. Good day, and good luck on future projects. Because although the game made me v upset, it's still better than our games, which is nothing.

Love the ending

horrible

very good story!

It's very good

Yay escaped it successfully

This is too short, please try to make it longer and more interesting.

it was short but okay

I got the Oliver ending. I really liked the story and the detail!

it stupid no point of reading its to short.

Don't bother reading it lol

cool! kinda short but you did a great job :D

This is either really, really bitter and author fantasy, or just shifty writing.

Rushed at the end

Hella short

Well, it's too short.

not a bad Idea but way too short for my liking :c

total waste of time

This was a bad story, boring, not making much sence, not worth the time

Ugh. What a pointless game. Your "choices" had no real affect on the story, and there were only endings. 2/8

It was pretty good- I just didn't get a lot of explanation as to why things happened because it was so short. Why would Daniel take care of her when she's sick all of a sudden? Why was he texting her in the first place? Why would I choose Oliver rather than Daniel? Other than that, and the shortness, pretty sweet.

Short but sweet. Good job.

So cute, and not to long.

I escaped. YAYNESS

and then i read the part where we get married and mary says she has been having an affair with my husband behind my back. i knew she was horrible.

Best game ever. and screw that girl i used to call a best friend! she knew i liked him and still kissed him.

I wish it was longer.

Why so short?

Funny and well written

too short pointless

This one was short.

at least it wasn't a guy who was moaning about the friend zone. interesting story, pretty well written, but most of the choices resulted in the same endings anyway. liked it though.

I am actually very critical of romance stories, to be honest. It's only a rare occasion where I don't find them a little too cheesy, unrealistic, clumsy, boring, so on. (Or, hey, they can also be just poorly disguised smut / porn in some cases.) I didn't hate or even particularly dislike this, but I can't say I really ... liked it.


I have actually enjoyed homework more than I did this story, but I'm a nerd, so maybe that doesn't really count. For a first story, it's really not... -bad-, you've got some errors here and there, but nothing hideous or glaring, so you're doing better than a lot of new writers.


However, the story is short. None of the paths give a reader adequate time to develop a bond with any of the characters, so I can't say I care about them. I think the crush in this story is kind of an ass and the best friend is, too, but eh. That's as far as my opinion of the characters goes. I know nothing about Oliver and the extent I know of April is that she's sad and she has had an exceptionally long crush on a guy, expecting him to know without being told. That's it.


There's nothing wrong with a short story, mind you, but it has to 1: be the kind of story that -can- be told in few page, and 2: still convey an interesting, full story in the short space it's given. Love stories don't tend to fit both requirements very well.


Also, as far as romances go, this isn't a particularly interesting story. Oh, sure, it's one that most of us can relate to and that's a good idea for a premise--but that also means you have a lot of pressure on you to capture that emotion, those circumstances, and that heart-ache realistically.


At first, I thought you might manage. I mean, I can see a girl spending a few hours in bed, tissues everywhere, depressed, stiff all over from curling up and crying over the loss of her crush to her bestie. It's not hard to imagine in real life. Unfortunately, later on, the story feels pretty awkward and unrealistic in some places.


All of that said, I will commend you on the fact that it's not very linear for a short story. You can have more than three endings and for a first story, that's pretty good. They're also varied in tone, since a couple are happy, some are bitter sweet, and a couple are just downers. Keep at it, okay? I think you'll get better. I'd advise putting more time into the next one.