Player Comments on Insane Asylum

Okay, it looks like its time for me to leave some constructive criticism.

The story in itself wasn't so bad. Honestly, there were only a couple of "bad" things about this storygame.

First of all, I would like to talk about the descriptivity you used in the writing. It wasn't the best. I felt that you could've written a lot more about something or other. A paragraph or two added to these pages will really help it. Here is a list of possible things you could've added onto:

-The room you initially start in: You didn't say much except that it smells like vomit, there's a dude with a stiched up face in the corner, and... that's it. Heck, it doesn't even say what we wake up on.
-The "thing" with the stitched mouth: Who is he? How does he look like? Does he have hair? Is he gray and withering away, elderly? Or what?
-The man with the knives: Same stuff from the top, except that it needs twice as more descriptivity, since its not just his face.
-The hallway: Give more of a feel of setting, so that the reader can visualize where they are, what they're seeing, etc.
-The monster: I'm not even sure if it had eyes. This "monster" could've been a squid of all I know.

This ties in the with the next thing, which is realism/logic. Okay, so, we know we are in a mental hospital. So what the heck is a man doing with stiches covering his mouth? And why does the main character have the key to the door in his/her pocket? What's a guy doing with knives, killing people of the hospital? As far as I know, a mental hospital (like its name) is a hospitalized place where caretakers make sure patients are safe... and... well, cared for. So half the characters here don't make sense.

There were a lot of plotholes in this story which you shuold really work on, man. By the ending, I was still confused. This could've been really been worked on more/added onto.

It seems to me that you were going more "cliche" than an actual, good, horror. What I mean by that is taking overused ideas from other media (movies, video games, etc) and trying to get them to work without much success.

Take, as an example, the setting, which we know to be a mental hospital. Half the characters (as I mentioned before) don't even really make sense, and therefore shouldn't belong in a mental hospital. The fact that insane asylums can be generally creepy is an aspect you are trying to apply here, but you're expending it way too hard (the "thing", monsters, scary stuff). Also, some plot of a mad scientist experimenting on people in an insane asylum is just too cliche.

So, what I think, is if you worked on this and gave it some more detail, it could really turn out to be a work of art. It just needs some extra time.

4/8 is my final rating. Hope you take into consideration everything I said. I'm going to play Part 2 now, hopefully I can give you a finalized rating and cut you some slack. Also, I hope I find some more answers than "oh, an evil scientist is running experiments on a very unsupervised insane asylum which just houses its patients with weapons, including knives, keeps monsters in, and sometimes stiches the patients' mouths shut!"

What? Most of the pages only had one choice? Expand on them, add new choices, even if they're fake choices, ie. ones that lead to the same place.

ALSO- Typos on the first page- proof read please

OMG SOOOO GOOD BRO YOU ARE A MASTER

nice, i will read part 2 now

shite!!!!!!!

it was terrible

bad.

worse dan poop, I am 11 grade and I have dyslexic, and even I hate it so go lick a panda bare.

part 2?

wtf....

Short and meh. Not terrible for a first effort.

Needs more "oomph". More intricacies to flesh the story out more. More decisions too. Good basic story.

Not Bad, too short to really judge.

I randomly clicked through this on the first try and won,but good I guess.

I enjoyed it. I would also like to point out that the story was a bit to much. It was as if you tried to make it overwhelmingly scary. We should collaborate sometime.

I assume you mean it was an abandoned asylum, and that a crazy doctor used it for his experiments? Because in reality, an asylum isn't what is described in this game.

It had potential but was lacking somewhat.

Ehh. It's okay. Could use some better writing. There's a few grammar mistakes and it's kinda short.

It took me a few tries but I beat it. I think it was very descriptive on the monsters and it reminds me of a thriller movie. The one thing though is I don't really know much about my character yet but I bet I'll learn more about them in part two. This was really good though

Loved it

You've got a nice start with a good premise. Definitely could use more descriptions to help give the atmosphere and have a better idea of those you are interacting with. I didn't notice to many spelling errors but the grammar could use a little fixing though.

Stabbed to death!

it's an ok game, it's just too short. the grammar doesn't even bother me as much as the length of the game. i gave it a 4

Not bad. Interesting concept. It was too short though and there were some bad grammar.

This is a good story although it is short and it does have a few mistakes in grammer. Can't wait to play the second part.

Wow this is really good! I can't wait for a part 2, and this is only your second? Wow! Good job!

It was okay but needs work doing. You need to describe things in more detail. This is particulary important to "horror" stories as you need to set the scene and bulid a sense of dread. Also it isn't finished. Publish a complete story. Games with multiple parts are rubbish, just make one complete game, especially when this part is so short.

Not bad, albeit an extremely overdone topic/storyline. You should probably work on your descriptive language, and there were a few grammar errors too.

it was awesome

Scary game, but very short. The ending was very rushed. Whatever sense of plot that started at the beginning just cliff hanged. I hope part 2 has more answers than questions.

Holy crap that was scary!

Not bad, but the grammar could be better, and the story could be longer.

Have both "parts" in one story, rather than splitting every section up into a separate story.

And whatever you do, DON'T make the story too linear, for God's sake!

An interesting premise but a couple or typing errors were in there and it is very short, once expanded into a full game it could be very good.

Extremely short but worth it

I thought it was pretty good, but at the end the guy with the stitches said that he wasn't the doctor's son once... Might wanna fix that.

Please don't make part 2.

awesome

pretty cool

It was pretty good but not enough choices at all. It has potential. I understand that this was probably just the intro and the next will be more elaborate.

random

Very linear at the beginning, hard to follow, and incorrect grammar. But it was a good idea.

A little short, but shows promise!

Short and lame. Needed more story

Really short.

good i can see you are trying

nice idea, but you need to proofread a lot more, the switching between past and present tense was annoying.
Also it seems short enough to include the second part in one story, especially since you released them at almost the same time.

I love the circular loop of plot in this story. Not many stories can pull that off, but it fits perfectly in here.

I liked it, good job.

Good description's of the monster's/people. But the storyline was somewhat confusing.