"Too few ratings to be ranked"
Played 134 times (finished 14)
"Walk in the park"
"A nice jog down the driveway"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.
You awake as an angel in heaven, with no memories of your life as a mortal. You are assigned to a mortal to be their guardian angel. It's your duty to make sure they don't die too soon, which might be a bit difficult. Technically bible fanficition. Written for the Damned and the Shamed contest (prompt: haunted)
This is an interesting take on the story of Abraham and Isaac. Essentially you play the role of an amnesiac angel who is sent to earth to protect Abraham from harm after a disastrous sacrifice. The story imagines what could have happened if Isaac had died.
In regard to spelling errors, I didn't notice anything that seemed too jarring to read. 'God' is capitalised in a haphazard way: just choose one version and stick with it. Also, on the 'Shepherd' page, you refer to the 'merchant' smiling. I mean, it's possible that the shepherd is also a merchant, but this is probably just a mistake.
The merchant path has a loop error, so that when you click 'Midnight Strikes' on 'as a child' the link just takes you back to the cliff.
On the first page, you probably could have put all the information you get from asking questions within the text, seeing as there doesn't seem to be much point in clicking a link to read a paragraph of information, then clicking back. Links to information are usually because the writer wanted to include a lot of extra background information without forcing the reader to scroll through a thousand words of detailed, optional description. Anyone who doesn't want to read the paragraph of information you wrote can just skim past it.
I like that you changed between the angel's thoughts and Abraham's thoughts, as if the angel were getting glimpses into Abraham's mind. The description of heaven, with a range of otherworld-ish language, is also well-done.
Not to get hung up on the technicalities, but at the time this story is set 'Israel' would have been known as Canaan, as the nation of Israel is named after Abraham's grandson, the son of Isaac, who according to this story got burned up in a fire before he could ever have children. So this is both a temporal and ancestral paradox, but that wasn't the main point of the story. So there's that. (There are other nitpicks that I could go into, but seeing as this is a fantasy story any errors can be probably be excused/ignored. The one I just mentioned amused me.)
All in all, this is a decent story for something written in around three weeks, especially for a first attempt. To improve you could work on the points above, make the story longer, and include more endings (I believe there are only two). And, as has been mentioned before, angelic shadowing isn't 'haunting' in the sense of ghostly manifestation, but certainly the idea that Abraham is 'haunted' by his memories/actions is an interesting one.
on 1/9/2024 5:09:34 PM with a score of 2
Yeah... this is a bit of an odd one :) It was well written, flowed smoothly and made sense and everything but I'm a bit puzzled about its existence. I wouldn't have expected fanfic of the Bible (though it makes sense when you think about it as there's a fair number of amazing things that happen in it). It treads the fine line between upsetting Christians and atheists well but doesn't really add anything to to religion. On the whole not a bad story, a rather interesting response to the prompt "haunted"!
on 1/9/2024 6:27:13 AM with a score of 0
This game is pretty weird.
Not what people would expect from "Bible fanfic" at all, it's basically a fantasy story with some Biblical aesthetics. I think it might piss off both the extremely religious and the extremely non religious in different ways, so I have to give it credit for that.
on 12/2/2023 9:45:27 AM with a score of 2
Whaaattt, me reading a Bible story? Blasphemy! The idea of angles getting random body parts after completing assignments is low-key terrifying while at the same time very hilarious. I'm imagining an angel just being settled with two floating eyeballs.
on 11/12/2023 2:31:55 PM with a score of 2
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