Player Comments on Island Attack: Raid

Kudos for working with variables and publishing a story within your first three days as a member. You seem to understand the basics of what makes a storygame good, which does show. However, the "You Died" pages appear without any explanation of why. This seems to be a result of inexperience with the system. If you revise and proofread your future stories, as well as fiddle a bit more with the system, your story-games might turn out to be pretty good! For now, however, it is only mildly enjoyable, and could use serious work.

I just got recommended this community by a friend. I just got my account. I'm a vetted writer but green to this site and this is pretty much sums up what this site is about for me. I see this is 9 years old but good work.

Nice quick fun. Loved the bird. You might want to fix "here an alarm go off" on "Go Right" and "the helicopter shoot all the guards" on the final page.

I won!! I won I won I won, and with 14 health left!!!

Too short and has no plot...

yaboi said ok its pretty good man :)

Fun but short.

Death pays for death.

Short but should definitely get a 7 or 8. There should be more like this.

Certainly not bad, but pretty short. There needs to be more storygames like this.

A little bit boring, not very exciting. Also, the pages could've been slightly longer.

I completed it without needing to click "Go Back" once!

Well... It could be better.

Love it!

Kind of dull actualy, not much story.

The sentences are a bland, but the health thing is cool. 4/8

I think this is the best chooseyourstory game so far. Keep it up. There was one grammar mistake though that I encountered, but overall it's a really good story and yes, like most players say, the health stats are awesome. :)

health stats are always nice, more options and more description would go a long way

I liked the score that kept track of your health. Thought it was cool ^_^

Good job, a bit too linear, if not a then b, but interesting enough. Could've been longer with more plot development, and more background. Needs a bit o' polishing, but nice start! 5/8

Or I could just use my bird to steal the data....

the why. Spoiler alert, they capture you in #2. You are yourself, so I cant tell you why you're the compelling protagonist. They're will be an info link in #3 which i will start after I finish the light.

You never answer the 'why.' Why am I a compelling protagonist? Why do the bad guys suck?

Awesome Approves!
Pretty well written, except for the few grammer mistakes, but I found it interesting. There is no way to win with all your health, and that bugged me because I like trying to win with all my health. Needs a new name, but was good.
4/8

Hmmmm....awesome.... Advice : get a better title.

Not enough background to story, had no idea what I was supposed to do

it was fun

Pretty fun

If I made a game this bad I'd wear a bag over my head and never go outside.

Not bad. Longer pages, more detail, etc. then it could be quite good.

Bah - Seemed to be very predictable, with not much information for the choices. I guess it was ok

Not a bad game at all. Flesh out the story next time, and it'll be even better. I'm on to part 2 now.

I couldn't help but stress why isn't there a better way to word many of the sentences. It sounds childish when I try to read it to myself, and the story options are kinda iffy.

It sucks. Where is the plot, motive and fun? I think you forgot that.

A lot of chuncks are missing. Such as motive, background, reasoning, and detail. Why whould i choose this action over the other? It wasn't very subtle when you gave hints and was impossable when you didnt give anything at all. why am I parachuting suddenly from the sky? When making a choice we weigh options and take the lesser of two evils based upon the probable outcome that we prefer. Like you see a shadow in front of you. You can either stop because it is likely and enemy or move forward slowly. Instead you put an annoying bird in and assumed we would follow it for no apparant reason. If it is a tropical island jungle it should be lush, fertile, and extremely hard to traverse with danger around every leaf. You made it sound like walking across a feild.

The reason I knew how to use variables is because I made a non-story game before

good storyline not the best I have read

First of all, nice first game. It had decent amount of options, and you know how to use variables which is amazing seeing as this was your first game.

I really liked this game. I liked the plot and I think you put in a good amount of effort into it. The only thing holding this game back was that there were not that great of details, it was kind of short, and the grammar.

Overall, if you can learn from those mistakes then I can't wait for more of your stories. Nice job.

5/8

Nice first attempt betaband. Work on spelling, health points and more descriptive text.

Learn to spell mister beta

Try and have more than a sentence or two on each page. Story was alright, pretty short so couldn't really get into it. Didn't notice spelling or grammar errors which is good.

Story good

You fixed the "You Died" bug! Good work! *ups his rating by one*

This is my first game hope you like it