Player Comments on Jack at the Tracks

The story sounds like it will be a good one, but there is actually very little to the story. There are a few lines of description on each page, and that’s about it. This is a classic example of the “show, don’t tell” setup. What the author has done here is clearly tell the reader what’s happening…and that’s it. When a story is written this way, the meaning gets across to the reader, but there is little else there. For a fully developed story, the story really needs more. Readers need to feel like they are in the story. Instead of just saying what is there, the author can work to show more of the scene. This is often most effectively done with the use of additional senses. If you can work all five sense into a scene, you can create a scene that readers can relate to and where readers will really feel like they are part of the story. When you just tell the reader what they see, the reader doesn’t really get invested in the story, they’re more of a bystander.

I do like that this story does have a number of different options. While the story is very short, there are a good number of options and selections for the reader to choose from that actually lead to a few different endings. It would just be improved a lot with more detail and a bit more of a story.

While it was extremely short, I did enjoy what little I read.

The small amount of pages AND two to four sentences per page made for a very short storygame with not a lot of plot development. However, what I did read, I liked a lot because what I got to see of the plot and setting was creative and enjoyable to read.

There wasn't a lot of character development here, and not a lot of emotion for that matter.

There was also some illogical stuff in this storygame, such as Crescent stated, the heavily bleeding people are somehow unharmed? How does that work? They have to have a nasty wound to be bleeding heavily, and unless they're Hercules that would hurt pretty bad.

The writing style had potential, but without detail and development, a storygame is just not a storygame.

2/8, try harder please.

First: "while they are bleeding heavily, they are basically unharmed" ... Um ok. So despite their heavy bleeding, they're unharmed? The blood had to come from somewhere on them, and if something is bleeding a lot, chances are, there's a big injury!

It's a very, very basic storygame with a very basic plot.
Crash-->help-->end = too short

Your grammar/writing is decent. There were some randomly capitalized letters, but otherwise, I didn't notice anything else. You need more detail and background information. Otherwise, if you don't choose to expand this incredibly short storygame, you could probably just fatten it up a bit.

There is no point to this storygame. There aren't much words on each page, and the plot is nonexistent. It is either you help them or you don't. If you help them, yay you win! If not you loose, simple as that.

Either option you loose. lame

This is so relatable, and I don't know why. I guess it's because I've also witnessed a car accident.

This storygame gives a good impression at first. It seems to be very exciting and events go one after another. However, there are some things that I don't understand:
How did the people bleed a lot while remaining unharmed? Why do you still have to stop their bleeding then? What have your friends and you been doing? What environment is it?
Finally, the grammar isn't at all that bad but I think the storyline and the descriptions could be better.

I forgot how completely pointless this game was. I think I'd rate it a little higher if the name was changed to "The Adventures of Captain Obvious."

The choices are pretty much:

You hear a horrific accident. Do you:
A. Go and help.
b. Continue fapping to furry porn.

Someone is badly hurt. Do you:
A. Bandage their wound to stop the bleeding.
B. Teabag the poor bastard and pray he's not a biter.

Oh no! The train is coming! Do you:
A. Signal the train to stop.
B. ... I don't know. Shit your pants and die.

Still, it's one of the few games with a play length of 1 that somehow managed to not get purged... So congrats for that! ^_^

This was too short than I would have liked. The overall story has potential though.

I was disappointed that making faces as they bled didn't actually lead to a different page than using your shirt, but I guess it's a decent, short adventure.

The grammar was not great, for starters. I ended the game feeling rather confused. There could definitely be more added to the story... I don't know.

Eh... it's pretty short. :/

Way too short, but not a bad plot.

This was okay. It could have used some more length and detail, but for what it was this was a good and creative idea for a story game. 3/8.

Entertaining story even though it was a little short.

Exciting, but short. Make more of these stories please, I enjoyed the action, even if there wasn't much story to have action in.

It was fun

Lol. This was good but short.

Short, but an entertaining 3 minutes

Pretty good, but a little too short. You should fix the typos too.

Good story, I like being the hero!

Decent

I sort of see where the idea for this one was going, investigating an accident and getting credit, however to me it never really carried off, sinse the writing gave me no sense of urgency due to the short sentences and lack of detailed descriptions.

I also agree with some of the previous comments, that this one really could've done with a little more by way of difficult choices.

still, I give creddit to what is obviously a young author, and hope he goes on developing more stuff in the future and expanding his tallents.

It wasn't bad but I found it way too easy since it was pretty clear what the right and wrong options were. Choose your story games tend to be a lot more fun when you're not sure what the right choice is than when the choices are between helping or sitting back and letting everyone die.

has potential.

Not bad

It wasn't awful. The bad parts were that it was kind of boring and really short. On the bright side, it did have a good amount of options, the spelling was decent, and it had a plot.

I guess what made me not really like this game is that it wasn't that exciting for me. If you made it more interesting and longer I think this could have been a good game.

3/8

Could have done a better job with the options.

Not Egregiously long at all

wish it was a bit longer

short and it didn't make much sense.

bo acknowledges the existance of this story?

Cool!

5/8. It was very interesting!

very random

strange story but still fun

Interesting, but too short. Make it longer and put more links in!!!

Good story, though linear, and too short. Still good.

could have a little more

Good grammar.. actually, it's an okay story. Very short though.

Nice story but kinda linear. Still fun.

Not bad. Is this based on a true story?

Fun game. I enjoyed it.

Not That bad actually, if it had a better plot and more believable characters, it would have been quite engoyable. Since it did not, it merrits a 3/8.

one of the originals here and still pretty good. could be alot longer though.

i think this game is cool. the reason is because jack is my favorite character and i love him and the video.i think you should make a game when jack has to save sally from the oogie boogie man.<br> from,ashley 12 yrs.

It needs to longer.

Its good, but way too easy and it needs more choices.

It's cool, but it has to be longer, and it's to easy.

That was a cool game. I like saving ppl.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha....sounds eerily familiar.....wonder why that could be???

Kinda good just kinda

cool and easy

Mr Skelington you should make some more games