Just A Doll
love & dating
, #36 for
Played 1,923 times (finished 73)
"Walk in the park"
"A nice jog down the driveway"
"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably be between PG-13 and R.
It's hard seeing the one you love descend into madness.
Quite a short description, but that’s fine. It might help to get more readers with a little more on the description page. At least, that’s how I view that page – as an opportunity to draw readers into the story and hopefully get them interested – sort of like the back cover of a book in the store (is that still a thing?)
Quick comment on the very first page – the title. Would it make more sense for that to have a question mark at the end? In the first sentence, I get the setting and tone. I like the first person. I’m a little confused by approaching the clearing by following cords, but after reading it a couple times, I get it. I wonder if that would be better with those ideas reversed: follow the cords towards the clearing. I’m also not sure on the limp. When I read the first sentence, in my mind he was just walking along. But now he has a limp. Once again, I wonder if those would be better reverse – showing that he has a limp as soon as he is shown walking so that’s not a surprise later.
I’m a little confused with the scene with the ghosts. I guess it’s clear that the visitor can see the ghosts, but I was starting to get the feeling that the visitor though that Plummet was crazy. However, if the visitor can see the ghosts too, it sounds like just an average day in the forest with ghosts. I’m also a bit off with the ghosts and the extension cords, but that’s just my mind trying to sort things out. At the same time there’s apparently a boy with a dress. That’s just adding to my confusion on this initial scene. Minor typo, maybe: “I had too many nightshade.” Could that be “I had too much nightshade?”
Good setup for the story. I’m not sure on the next page. This sets up a pathways with choices, but these are really false choices. After all, you have to select them all to proceed. If there’s no effect on the story, why are there choices? It is nice to have choices, but in this case each of those links could just be one page after another. You can still have the choices on the second page of each page that appear to affect the story. I do like the details and the story going on in each page after that page, and I like that your choices do have an effect on the story, and even on the “I…” page. It’s a little odd that sometimes the “I remember” choices become inactive, but other times they don’t.
Overall it’s a nice story, though yes, it is a bit odd and insane. I like the changes that appear based on your choices, especially with the starting over bit. I think I found all endings, which is fun. Thank you for sharing this with the world.
on 5/4/2018 1:55:41 PM with a score of 0
This was stupid. This was in the romantic section this should be in the creepy section.
on 2/18/2021 10:05:02 AM with a score of 0
on 12/13/2019 12:48:58 PM with a score of 0
Right off the bat, this seems like an interesting idea for a story, if a bit overused. Person1 is in love with person2, but person2 is devolving into insanity while person1 is forced to watch. I really would have enjoyed reading this storygame, if not for the fact that I was confused as to what was happening for basically the entire read-through. There were a lot of flashbacks, which were unclear about the actual time and place where they happened, and characters were randomly introduced with no background information. Along with that, is Plummet just insane, or can he actually do voodoo magic? It was never made quite clear throughout the story. I know I’m complaining a lot about Plummet, but wings? They were just randomly introduced into the story without any context or information. I had to reread the paragraphs a few times before I even caught that you were talking about Plummet having wings, not the doll. Now to some positives. I liked how you kept some mystery within the story, not allowing to readers to fully learn what Plummet’s mental issue was. This caused me to do some thinking, and really analyze the writing to get the full story. Although it’s cool how you mixed magic into the story, I feel it was rather unnecessary. This story could have worked even better if you didn’t insist on the fact that Plummet and the narrator were magical creatures with wings. It removes from the realism, and breaks the immersion a bit. The “chained” scene, however, is full of great imagery. I can really imagine how the narrator must have felt when her friend attacked her, bound her, and then shoved an item down her throat. You wrote her panic well, allowing me to picture myself as the character, and put myself in her position. Congratulations on your first story! I thought it was pretty good, and I would recommend it as an “odd” romance to anyone interested in such genres. All in all, I enjoyed reading this storygame, and would read it again to find even more of the secrets. The characters were well written, and their interactions were fun to read and picture in my head. Some questions were left unanswered, leaving it up to readers to theorize and answer for themselves. Great job writing this. It was fun to read. With some extra tweaks, I could see this being much higher rated. ?
on 5/30/2019 12:35:46 AM with a score of 0
— night on 12/20/2018 11:10:45 PM with a score of 0
This story... That is awesome! Absolutely amazing storyline! I love how when you say 'start over', you literally start over again! That's very clever! I don't know if there's endings, but I got the ending where Plummet gets angry with red text. This is an awesome story game, you have a very creative mind!
on 3/6/2018 5:03:57 PM with a score of 0
This was quite interesting, and good for a first story. Tip of the hat for doing actually research, I do that too. (Shameless story-plugging FTW)
Anyway, I did notice a few grammatical errors, but nothing so big it detracted from the story. I also noticed that you have a specific way of writing, and I like it. I wanna see more form you.
Good work here!
on 1/31/2018 5:44:05 PM with a score of 0
Sheesh, another doll story?
on 1/28/2018 9:51:10 PM with a score of 0
Somehow I understood it all... and I felt it. That's amazing storytelling.
on 1/14/2018 3:10:00 AM with a score of 0
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