Player Comments on Remember

I really like your stories, I don't care that they're short. Good work. ^_^
Still, it could do with some improvement. The little ghost girl's really interesting, but I think the most important part of any ghost story is finding out why the person is haunting you. Since you never find that out, I don't feel like the story's finished.

I greatly enjoyed the use of the 1st person narration. But, while the game itself exuded a certain atmosphere, I feel basing the plot on several backlooping questions annoyed me more than it added to the mystery.

The endings were also too short to provide a meaningful punch. In one path, I lost my eyes through the blunt force of a ghostgirl, but it wasn't remarked further on, or rather treated more like a sore thumb than something so visceral. In another, it was mentioned in passing it was my sister. A third talked about a swerve in a car and revenge.

But instead of giving me food for thought, a mystery to be solved through inferring hints through multiple branches, I feel it was both too much and too little. Combining it gives you a relatively complete picture, but the picture itself lacks the weight to give me pause.

Yeah, what I said before. Decent premise but not fleshed out enough. ^_^

Well that was short. You should play it though. There isn't much backstory and almost all of the choices make you go back. I liked it, but I need more plot to give it a better rating.

Was what I got a good ending. I played twice and got what I thought of as bad endings. ???

Like I said on your last game, it could have much more meat on it's bones. I am not going to go into much detail because this game has the same problems as your last one.

What?

I gave a note a tad higher than I'd normally rate this game because I suspect a lot of people simply condemned the length of this story, which feels like a "proof of concept" to me . Apart from that, I just can't understand why your sister have to be brought at the last moment, in only ONE of the endings.
One of the ends where you get saved by an unknown fella seem kind of... bland?
On the other hand, the pace was good, you were quite effective in setting the atmosphere.
I was looking for a "bad" story (to gather examples) but I had a fairly good time playing this. My quest continues, then.

Why does it say you're a young man and then the doctor calls you Ms.?

There are giant spaces between all the lines and it's too short but good job.

This is a tough one because the writing itself is very strong and I like the idea of not much to each page, making the pacing feel faster. But... Its more a poemgame than a storygame. Where is the plot developments. This would barely even count as a short story.

There are waaaaaaaaay too many questions left unanswered:
Why is she being haunted?
What does she have to remember?
Did she remember?
What was the darkness at the end?
How can a ghost kill you?

As far as scripting, that is solid, with back links and try again links on dead ends.

I think you get the point. By leaving so much out, it does not necessarily up the suspense or the horror factor... or even the mystery. It is just an empty story parading as horror. I mean, you could have done so much with the running scene, making is a labyrinth of horrifying obstacles and dead ends.

This style and story has work, but I see it as still very much unpolished and unfinished. I counted many places with no punctuation, for instance. As others have said, it works as an outline.

I think you have some cool ideas. There are a few mistakes that you need to fix however. Look for your tense (past vs. present). Also watch out for "there" vs. "their" vs. "they're".
With some details this could turn out to be a great story. Keep up the good work! :)

What just happened?

It's cool, but i could not find a way to win... I think you cant win, but it had good story. Keep it up!

This story is very good. Sometimes simplicity can speak a lot of words. There's a lot of things missing in this story, which is actually very good in this case. It let's the reader come up with their own story. Even as simple and short as it is, it's very descriptive and well-worth the time.

But I do have a few questions: Why is the girl trying to kill the protagonist? I never went and read back through, because this is my first play through, but does the girl get run over, or does the protagonist turn and miss the girl?

Other than that, it was well done.

6/8

This is a bit too spartan to be effective. While the idea of waking up with a faulty memory is classic, you don't do much to make it stand out. The lines are paltry (though not terribly written) and the entire thing is too short. To me it feels more like the skeleton of a story than an actual story. Get some more meat on those bones and you'd have a good tale.

Before I start ranting about all of the imperfections which your story has, I'll state the positives.

The book was eerie, and the story of the ghost girl is actually interesting. It leaves you hanging with questions, which again is a cliffhanger and doesn't provide the closure which readers like to see. I see where you were going with this story, but you didn't hit your mark.

Now the negatives. I found many mistakes which were constantly being repeated in your game. Punctuation was one of them.

"Yes"

Take this passage as an example. If you don't remember what your elementary teachers had taught you, I'll say it again. There must be punctuation in between the quotation marks. I don't see a period or a comma which is closing up that dialogue. This was constantly being repeated throughout your game which proved to be a major issue to me.

I put up my fists and gave a punch to her neck. She grabbed my arm and squeezed it until I couldn't fell a thing. She then pushed me to the ground and stomped on me until I bled to death

Well, there isn't a period at the end of your sentence so boohoo. The lack of detail really makes this game seem dull and lifeless, and that it is written by a second-grader. As you said that you were a teenager, you should have a more.. ah, refined english than younger children. Also, we want more details in your fight scene. It's so boring, we don't care. We want blood and gore. It isn't called horror for no reason at all!

Also, capitalization was a issue as well in this book. I'll briefly talk about it because you should know that you always capitalize PROPER nouns. "The Man nods his head." will be used as an example. You didn't tell us who this man is, so it wouldn't be capitalized because it ISN'T a PROPER noun.

The lack of detail, lack of development for the characters and the plot, no regard for punctuation or capitalization at all make me rate this a 1/8 or a 2/8.

This had potential, but you had ruined it. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but it is true. Focus on the negatives which I stated above and try to obliviate them. This is the brutal truth, and the truth that you need to hear. My sincere apologies if you take this to your heart.

The chain of events is really odd here. So you're in a hospital after a car wreck, a ghost jabs out your eyes or something, and then a guy, presumably a doctor or nurse, goes 'wow I bet that hurts, let me get you some soup?'

Not a lot of answers to be found in clicking the other options either.

This one had genuinely creepy moments and was more interesting to me than the last story, but I agree with Briar's comment that it feels incomplete. If you hadn't gone with the played out amnesia thing (and honestly the whole explanation in how she got from her car to the hospital didn't make a lot of sense, other than as a handwavey way to avoid explaining anything) you could have gone into more details that mattered.

Anyway, you have interesting ideas and so I wish you'd try writing something a bit longer. It's hard to tell much of a story in under 600 words. Proofreading is also an issue, when really in something this short it shouldn't be.

No happy ending? Damn. And I still don't know why I died.

The language was basic and very short, but it was a little intriguing nonetheless. And creepy, too, if a bit vague. Are there any "good" endings? I couldn't find any.

How come you die in almost every ending except for 1

Interesting. . . It was unique and slightly creepy. However more description and sentences would be good.

So sad

It was alright.

The beginning of a good story, but needs more detail and description.

So, why did your sister want to kill you? That made no sense. Other wise, good game!

It was very short. And… were we supposed to not know…well… EVERYTHING???

This is better than your other game, but very short.

This game needs a *real* story, with *real* characters, with *real* conflict. Make us *care* about the story.

Looks like fighting an enemy suddenly became a worse choice than screaming or running.

Not really enough description of what was going on and more importantly, WHY.

So far it's pretty good. I like how you used the conversation tree method of story telling. You're right though, this game is a little too short. It ended before it even started. I would really like to see what else you got for this one! Don't leave us on a cliff hanger!