Player Comments on SPIDER-MAN:Rise of Carnage part 1

Long Review Ahoy!

... That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer.

On a less joking note, at first blush, the dialogue reminds me of a coloring book comic for little boys, roughly age 3-6, but on reflection, I realize that's not an accurate description because I remembered that most coloring books are not only more text-heavy than this, but are actually spell-checked.

Your punctuation is barely there and when it is, it's wrong or awkward. Your capitalization is inconsistent and mostly incorrect. Your spelling, and general grammar over all, awful.

I will, however, mention some lines I enjoyed ... purely for the humor I found in them. Numbered in the order that they came to mind:

>> "Hi My Name is Spiderman and im the superhero who's Saving New York city from all kinds of Danger" says spiderman

1: Spiderman is telling me he's Spiderman? Aw, snap, and here I thought it was Wolverine talking.

2: Who the hell is he talking to right now? You have me choose his actions in the story, so he can't be talking to me and be me at the same time, unless I talk to myself, in which case, I am incredibly lonely. And possibly insane.

>>" I Have two Best friends Harry osborn and Mary Jane "

1: If I'm talking to myself, I'm pretty sure that I know this. Also, if I talk to myself out loud in public places this often, I'm skeptical of the idea of myself having friends.

2: If I really am a superhero who must wear a mask and use an alias, why am I publicly announcing the names of my two closest friends within the possible hearing distance of any villain or criminal in New York? Or within hearing distance of literally anyone, as it could reveal my identity?

>>"Wait What is Happening at The Bank I need to check it out ! " Say's Spidey.

1: Um. Did I just tell myself to wait? Was my conversation with my self so fascinating that it deserves to be put on hold for future continuation?

2: Who is "Say" and why am I His/Her/Its Spidey?

>>"Oh no These Gangs are causing Trouble ! i need to stop them ! " Say's Spiderman The Street thugs are robbing money from the bank !

1: Trouble with a CAPITAL "T"! That's how you know it's the really bad kind. xD Unless they're playing the board game, in which case, GASP. I must protect New York from mediocre game nights at the bank!

2: "Spiderman The Street thugs" is a pretty long name. I can see why you keep shortening it.

>>Along with it The Shocker is also escaping !

xD ... I just want to take a moment to appreciate the name of your villain. Ok. I think I'm done.

>>While you were chasing shocker The Street thugs had managed to rob money from the bank and escape through the Vehicle

Wow, they went all the way "through the Vehicle," to escape?

>>what you thought shocker would miss his seismic blast ?

No, I didn't think he'd miss it too much. I figured they weren't that attached to each other.

>>(Note:since I am bored goblin is your final boss)

... ... You bored yourself with your own game before it was even finished. I'm just going to let that thought sink in.

>>goblin is throwing bombs at you in his glider

He's throwing them IN his glider? Well then, I don't need to do anything. He'll explode soon.

>>the bombs came close to you and killed you
Now you're dead !

So wait, when stuff kills you, you DIE? O_O What a twist!

>>when you webbed him on his face you quickly get off on his glider

1: ... I "got off" on his glider, huh? Talk about insult to injury.

2: Now I wonder if "webbed him on his face" is a euphemism for something. :P

Your summary was also note-worthy:

>>also these events are fictional.

>_> You're, uh ... you're really sure you need to state that the events of your Spider-man fan-fiction game didn't actually happen?

Anyway, I certainly got a lot of enjoyment out of this, but probably not in the way you intended. You need a better plot, lengthier pages, interesting dialogue, a much longer attention span, proper formatting, and for heaven's sake, a beta-reader or co-author.

P.S. A cookie for anyone who gets the reference for the line at the beginning of this review.

"haha you have defeated shocker"
"yes and now i will defeat you"

Horrible

Wow, Kiel really blew this one out of the water. I have a couple things to add here.

"you punched goblin two times but it was little effective you need to think again !"

Now, I'm going to point out a couple of things and pretend everything else is fine. Not everyone is enough of a Spidey fan to know who the Shocker is. You should have taken the time to describe that character to us. You should have also described what our enemy was doing to perform his "seismic blast" and what said attack looks like. Lastly, instead of having a second villain zoom in without warning, context, or reason, the Shocker fight should have just been longer.

You tried writing this for two minutes but it was little effective you need to think again !

Have you ever seen the Room? This story was so enjoyable in the same way that the Room was. It's so bad, so effortless, you even acknowledge that you're too bored to figure out a way to tie your main villain to the plot so you just throw him in as a boss fight in the end. It's actually kind of fascinating how little of an effort one can put in a story.

4/8 for the pure enjoyment factor. I might even have given more if you hadn't mispelled Cletus's name as Clectus in the end. I would ask how one could make that mistake (and it wasn't a typo, he is spelled three times in a row as Clectus), but it would be pointless to ask someone who writes "I'm bored so Goblin is your final boss fight" in his story.

But still, you've hooked me in and I'm going to read on to see "Clectus" turn into a Carnage.

Ooooo, the reference is the "X gave me cancer" meme featuring Spidey lying in a bed, isn't it, Kiel?

2/8

+1 point for being so utterly ridiculous that it's hilarious.

I can even write up the things that need to be fixed there's so many

why does this exist

I got it! Your not Spider-Man, your just a patient in an asylum! It explanes why you convince yourself your Spiser-Man, and have friends (with no other indications that you realy have friends.) Plus your talking to yourself, and at one point your talking to the author. I had more fun reading Kiel_Farren's review than I did playing the game, so something good came out of the game a least.

I enjoy Kiel's review better than your storygame. :P

Lol, spidey is so cute. :O

Now I want to make a superhero game...

I'm going to start right now.

I'm not sure what I enjoyed more, this story or Kiel's review :). When there's just a few things wrong in a story or it's boring it annoys me but this story is unlike anything I've encountered for a long time... it is exactly like the first stories I ever wrote when I was a kid. Keep reading, keep writing and in time you'll get pretty good (hopefully).

This is your first story so i'll give you the benefit of the doubt but make sure you add more to your story next time. In the middle of the story you mention that you are bored and go right into the finish, I just want to say that you should take a couple of days to write your story at least. I understand you was getting used to the functions of writing a story but I expect to see a little more effort when you get the hang of everything.

This is... I can't even...