Player Comments on Story B

It seems like everyone has a hard-on for spoiler-free reviews nowadays, but that is certainly not what this is, so here’s a spoiler warning for those who care.

For as short as this game is, I enjoyed it. I like the subtle Shakespearean vibe to it (dunno if the name Tybalt was an intentional nod to Romeo and Juliet, but I certainly noticed the connection at least). The whole thing reads like a deleted scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, what with the style of humor and the old English dialect. It's a somewhat uncommon style, and one that I imagine is difficult to pull off, but I would say this story manages to do it justice.

The plot itself is well presented, given the low word count. I could tell that there are some things that the author planned on putting in, but ran out of time for. For example, the circumstances around Hamlin's death are touched on but not expanded upon. It almost feels like there are two stories here smashed together. As much as I like the execution scenes, Tybalt's arc would still work almost perfectly fine if Hamlin were removed from the story altogether. His death functions as the inciting incident and sets up the plot, but there's nothing tying it to the latter half of the plot after Tybalt decides to save the princess. It neither fuels his core character motivation nor impacts the plot later on. That isn't a criticism, just an observation. I know it was probably intended as an in medias res beginning, but this idiosyncrasy left me wondering if this was a follow-up to something else. That aside, I think the scenes involving Hamlin's death are a lot of fun to read. I especially like the path where you leave him to die up on the wheel because it feels a bit more heartfelt and sober than the rest of the story, providing a decent contrast to the tone of pretty much every other page. I'm a sucker for philosophical talk, so it certainly scratches an itch for me. The path involving taking him off the wheel feels a little more comedically oriented, which I also quite enjoyed.

The segment where you attempt to save the princess was a lot of fun. I like how much worldbuilding was packed into such a small space, with a full explanation of gnome lore and details about the goings on in the royal family sprinkled about. I certainly get the sense that there is more to the world than what is shown in the story. I will say that I am a bit disappointed that we don’t get to have a direct encounter with the witch or the princess, even in the good ending. I would have liked to see this portion fleshed out a little more instead of having the aftermath just tacked onto the end as an extra paragraph. That said, this style works better in the bad ending, since Tybalt is already dead at this point, making an overview style more appropriate.

The characterization of the Ogre and the Knight is a lot of fun, especially when it comes to seeing them interact. This is the strongest Monty Python moment for me, as it sorta reminds me of the duel scene from the movie (“I’ll bite your legs off!”). The Ogre just wants to live his life, but between Tybalt and the Knight, that isn’t an option. I suppose two people get to live happily ever after in the bad end (eventually), because at least then the poor ogre gets to keep living his life.

Aside from all that, there are a few nitpicks I’d like to mention before I wrap this up. There are a few perspective shifts that seem to come completely out of nowhere that had me rereading to make sure I hadn’t missed something. It would have been helpful to include something to show that a different segment of the story was starting, like a triple asterisk in the center on its own line, or at very least an extra paragraph break. It didn’t detract much from the story, but some sort of indication of these kinds of shifts is generally standard convention. The story also doesn’t have a lot of branching, and between the two choices present in the game, only one seems to matter in regards to the ending. The fact that this was originally planned to be a linear story shows, but I’ll grant that it still holds up when read with that expectation in mind.

Anyway, all that to say, I liked this story. There were a few minor nitpicks, but it made for a fun short read. It’d be cool to see this expanded into a full-length project, but even if it isn’t, I’m glad I got to experience it.

Wildly improbable storytelling! The characterisation of Thibault, Hamlin and Charles and the winged familiar creature and so on was convincing enough to make the story enjoyable, while the fight scene was sufficiently over-the-top.
I could complain about having few choices to make, but sometimes that's just how life goes, eh?

The usual disclaimer, since it’s not a Mystic review without one: I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer, and the mods who wrote these stories likely know more about writing than me. Also, this review contains spoilers.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

A wholesome fairytale romance! Again, the topic feels like an attempt to throw the reader off if they try to guess who wrote this story, and since I’m pretty sure I know who wrote A, I think I know whose this is. The place and character names hint at this person too.

The story’s opening does feel very fairytale-esque, with the phrase ‘a long time from now’ being a nice twist on the usual ‘a long time ago in [generic place name]’ and the image of the castle bathed in light does sound very grand. It’s like the start of a movie where the camera pans from the castle, the village, and finally, zooms into the figure. A slight critique is that there may be an overreliance on adjectives for description.

The switch from Tibault’s dramatic, Shakespearean monologue to the use of ‘fuck off’ was jarring, but in a funny, unexpected way. I found the simile of ‘the bothersome, lingering pain that comes from one's limbs having been twisted like rags around the spokes of a wagon wheel’ quite fitting for the medieval time period while being very vivid, too.

I love the differences in dialogue between Tibault and Hamlin. It’s funny how Tibault would go on some over-the-top spiel while Hamlin keeps more to the point. One of the writing’s strengths is how easily the reader can envision each scene, even the more graphic parts of Tibault emptying the bucket’s unhygienic contents over the children. And yeah, the use of the word ‘esoteric’ and the description of the princess makes me 90% sure I know whose story this is.

PLOT & CHARACTERS

Reading the dialogue between the two characters reminded me of an exchange between Shakespeare’s comedic relief characters, filled with miscommunication and puns. But there’s a surprising amount of depth in Hamlin’s rant about the law and society, it’s full of potent rage which is justified given his backstory. It weaves a theme of how some people are naturally disadvantaged by any kind of hierarchy disguised as order in society. There was only one typo I noticed, where You’ll was capitalised in the middle of the sentence, but it was fitting given the emotional rage of that scene. Their friendship is interesting, as both of them care for the other, yet begrudge one another slightly beneath the surface, so it does make sense that Hamlin’s death was necessary to free Tibault of his burden to care for him and allow him to start his own story.

There’s the call to action when Tibault overhears the princess’ capture and embarks on a quest to rescue her. He’s helped by Sal, who I initially thought would come along as a sidekick/ familiar (especially due to the story’s pace briefly slowing to describe his character), though he instead equipped the protagonist with new information to help him on his journey.

Then, Tibault faces his first obstacle: an ogre at the witch’s gate. I like how the author balances the more serious stakes (shown through the ogre’s prowess in battle) with the more lighthearted, comedic elements (like him being so affronted that they shot his rubber duck).

On the branch where he takes control of the Ogre, it was a cool touch that Tibault struggled to control his body, as his biology was different from humans. I’ve never considered this aspect of mind-control before. And it’s funny how his plan went from trying to knock the ogre out, to getting him drunk to stuffing items in his nose to…well, that part was disturbing and gross, and I’m so relieved I finished my lunch before this, but if nothing else, I guess that’s testament to the author’s skill.

ENDINGS

After the defeat of the ogre, it did seem like the pacing just quickly wrapped everything up through a summary. It was abrupt and I would have liked to actually read about the confrontation with the witch and the revelation of events. That plot twist was foreshadowed well; it would have been much more satisfying if it was not hastily summarised in a paragraph. Still, seeing as this Thunderdome match had a strict word count (which this was already over), as someone who often overwrites, I do sympathise.

On the other path, where Tibault tries to rescue Hamlin, their contrasting personalities are shown very clearly. While the pessimistic Hamlin just wants to die in peace and tries to dissuade Tibault from his plans, Tibault, ever the optimist, attempts a dangerous operation to save his friend. It’s a pity that the necromancy path wasn’t finished as that would have been nice to see, but perhaps this may be changed once the Thunderdome event is over.

As for the other ending, the summary at the end did make sense, as the protagonist was dead by then. It was reminiscent of movies where the lives of each side character would be stated to wrap up each subplot. Though at least, in a way, Tibault did get what he sought out to achieve: death for himself, and a better life for the princess.

NARRATIVE STYLE & WORLDBUILDING

The narrative style is full of witty dialogue and descriptive prose with amusing asides. There was a lot of attention to detail when it came to setting and description. I’m even learning new words like ‘bartizan’ and ‘arbalestiers’. Just a quick note: use a comma before dialogue tags and do not capitalise them, e.g. ‘said’. The part about the ogre was very descriptive, and I liked how there was all the build-up of a scary, formidable creature, then it was revealed he was simply peeved that they intruded on him as he was taking a bath.

The worldbuilding has many fascinating details, such as how gnomes are able to shapeshift, but only with the amount of mass they have, so would be a tiny horse; or how potions are widely known about, but spells (of the non-witch variety) are less so. Another detail that adds to realism is that spells are full of allegory and aren’t easily decipherable, which makes sense to the lore given how little is known about them. And with any profession, from science to law, the higher level concepts you learn, the more technical terms there are.

Despite the story being written in third person, there’s a strong narrative voice, shown through little quips. For example: ‘The knight avoided this deathblow, however, by ducking down and... Rolling out of the way? Quite unconventional.’ I can see this doing well as a linear story too, though I’m glad the miscommunication about the word count led to a longer, more fleshed out story.

TL;DR

Another solid entry, with descriptive prose, entertaining dialogue and a refreshing twist on the well known ‘save the princess’ storyline.

Excellent story with some unexpected twists and turns. No SPAG issues of note. It is regrettable that the path of necromancy had to be abandoned, but the paths of the story that are there are artfully done and both fun and funny in places. Particularly the fight with the Ogre is charming and wild in the best ways.

This story does an amazing job of combining body horror with comedy. I loved the epic suffering of Hamlin and Charles the Ogre. The storygame has a wonderful sarcastic tone and I couldn't help but laugh while reading it.

I can almost hear the author’s annoyed mumblings as they were tacking on the choices to make this into a storygame, but the story part is still quite good with a unique style and some fun dialogue.

few choices and a quick ending for characters I was just starting to feel. perhaps the start of something more epic. the writing is spot on.

I'm pretty sure Sent wrote this

It was glorious.

Meandering, esoteric, odd, and quite dense at times, but overall a pretty glorious story. I feel like it was fun for the experience alone. You never quite knew what would happen next.

I'm almost 99 percent sure Sent wrote this, and I hope Tibault and Quintessa live happily ever after!