The Time Machine Episode 1: Time Travel

Time Machine part 1? Like the fact that there's a real-life gamebook series which was also called the Time Machine? Oh, this one is different.

I thought this was fairly decent. It was more of a linear puzzle-solving game than any actual time-travel - the game feels like it's teasing in that respect. It might as well be about finding the missing pieces of a jigsaw! All you really do is build it and then the game ends.

As for the missing pieces getting lost...it started to get a little silly.

a) Somebody took one of the missing pieces out of your room...put it in the basement, LOCKED the basement, and chucked the key in the freezer
b) A random dog snuck into your room and grabbed another piece of the time machine (but only that one piece)
c) Someone grabbed the crystal from your room, went to school and put it in a locker (you are able to identify exactly which locker it is and have a 1/3 chance of knowing the combination even though there are probably thousands of different combinations)

Aside from all that, it was still decent and very fun. I loved how you could choose to pick up your skateboard and *still* walk to school. With a bit of work it could be a very good storygame.

The first thing I noticed is that the writing is very choppy and simple. These sentences are averaging around six words each, and lower the quality of the storygame. I recommend combining some of these sentences and improving the complexity of some of your words with more detail and backstory.

The use of items is completely unnecessary, since you add a link to use the item, rather than the reader having to use it themselves. For example, on the second page the reader receives a large package. Instead of getting to use it, there's a link to open it. This makes the item completely unnecessary, but I guess you were just experimenting with the advanced editor.

Foreshadowing is neccessary in every storygame (in my opinion) because then the reader has no clue as to what will happen. One example is how the reader has an option to build the time machine rather than go to school, but there's no foreshadowing to say that the crystal will break (spoiler!) and that's the end already.

This isn't a bad story at all, and I like the idea behind it. I just wish it was longer and provided more detail and backstory for our character and the situations we face. On a final note, you did pretty well with proofreading, because I didn't no notice any errors in spelling and grammar.

3/8

Awesome Does Not Approve!
This game could have potential. It doesn't have it, but it could. I mean, it shoves you along for the ride, and there isn't much time to think other than to click random links.
One thing, how the heck did the gear turn up in the basement? Did I miss something? And why does my family keep the keep to it in the freezer? A bit of backstory and a thicker plot would've helped here.
Another thing, going to school. Is that whole trying to make it on time and leaving just a big excuse to hide the crystal there? I would add more to the school element, if not delete it completely. Just a couple things to think on.
Add an actually plot, and a richer story and vocabulary too.
3/8

Bruh

My class and I read this story in our language arts period. It was honestly really fun and I enjoyed it.

I think what you have created is super cool!

A very good story had a lot of fun reading it and going through the experience.

A very good story had a lot of fun reading it and going through the experience.

I really liked it. It was fun to choose my own adventure. In reminded me of a couple of R.P.Gs I have when I got to choose the rooms to go into and what to do in them.

squirt gun pew pew now dog is wet haha