LNFyle, The Wordsmith
My 5th profile attempt. Its state of barrennous is intentional. The 4th profile attempt was nearly identical as this one, with one small blemish. I used "it's" instead of "its". For this crime I will condemn myself into perpetual solitude.
My first storygame of all time. If you didn't like it, all constructive criticism is GREATLY appreciated and highly valued, so please write those comments.
Many of the characters appearing in this storygame are based off of Maplestory, a MMORPG, which constituted a good three to four years of my childhood. I don't play anymore, as many of the changes took away what I thought was fun in the game. Do note that the storyline will be different from the game, it's mainly the character professions and looks that will remain the same. Note that the world is much, much smaller than Earth, so don't think each individual place are vastly far apart. Also, if you are familiar with the game today, I am leaving Shade, the sixth hero out, as incorporating pirates with guns into the story is not easy to do. Thanks for reading.
Recent PostsI Might Have Something Here on 3/12/2017 12:32:46 AM
Please don't take this the wrong way, but if your post is anything like your storygame, please be sure to proofread for grammar and syntax errors. (Or have someone proofread; better yet, do both) The concept itself may prove interesting, but your grammar is distracting and needs polish.
Messaging Yourself on 2/16/2017 7:54:25 PM
As a feature that doesn't do any harm to anyone, I don't believe there's a reason to do it. Besides, I email myself with notes and reminders all the time, and I don't see why I couldn't do the same on the site. I say keep it.
Making a story less linear on 2/8/2017 8:22:29 PM
Cresentarstar has made some excellent points. Hunting the Ripper is definitely a good read if you want some inspirations or ideas to get writing, and I would take note of the rest of her advice.
You talk about rushing your stories. I have to ask, is it necessary? Unless you're writing for one of the contests, I don't see too many reasons why you can't take your time. The site doesn't have any mandatory story-posting.
Moving on, you already have good ideas to make the story more engaging to the reader. You wrote, "I've thought about making the player choose about which location they examine, or who they talk to, but...restricting them to only one option." I think you should allow the player to miss out on possible clues. Here's my thinking. Say you write blah blah blah, and it leads to two (or more) possible suspects the reader can interrogate. However, due to time restraints, they have only the time for one. Have the player choose, but make the choices an informed decision. For example, Person A was a witness at the scene, but Person B is a close family relative that could know important information. You'll want to develop Person A and B more, and you'll want more benefits/drawbacks for each, but that's something I came up with in a half of a second. To add, having the information of one person being more useful is an option you can take. You can even make that one person's information become borderline useless, but have a reason for it. Like, if through the investigation it's possible for the reader to deduce that Person C won't be helpful/as helpful, you can have them provide less effective clues. Overall, just don't make it a "pick-a-link."
One more thing that I am thinking of is the ending, and this is reminding me of the Carnal Sins quest in Witcher 3, if you've ever played it. In your second paragraph, "It's always going to end with the crime being solved and someone being arrested." In my opinion, this doesn't have to be the case. Yes, in the end there'll be a big decision on who to choose from, but you can make it more than just a "You lose" screen if you choose wrong. How about that the reader and the people in the story are convinced that whoever the player chooses as guilty is correct. However, the player chose wrong, and the wrong man is sent to jail/executed. You can have an epilogue where everything seems all fine and dandy, everyone is happy yatta yatta, but there's something not quite right. I relate this to Witcher 3, as in the Carnal Sins quest, the player can "solve" the case by killing another man who the player thinks is the killer. However, if you progress through the game, you can come across a note on the ground, directed to Geralt, taunting the witcher that he killed the wrong man, and that he [the killer] will run free. There's nothing you can do at this point, and the player just has to live with the fact that they didn't solve the crime. I feel you can make a similar effect here.
I know that would make it much more complicated and time-consuming; after all, the player should be able to correctly identify the perpetrator given whichever people they choose to interrogate, places to investigate, and overall intelligent decision making. However, "mystery solving" is a genre that you can be extremely creative and crafty with, so there's many ideas that you can work with. Having a unique ending, interesting setting, memorable characters, and good choices all will lead your story to the high praised 8, for this genre especially. Furthermore, there's a lot more ideas you can incorporate yourself, and I don't doubt you'll think of one or two satisfying ones. Good luck, and keep writing.
Edit: Wrote this comment as Ogre posted his. We have similar advice.
Is anybody interested? First time story. on 12/12/2016 4:56:32 AM
The premise is certainly interesting. "Superhuman" types of stories aren't all that rare, an incorporation of a Chinese flavour would resonate well. While I would like to dissect this in more detail, it's late right now, and I most likely won't be visiting the site during the week. Furthermore, I hate forums. Anyway, so here's some thoughts that came to my mind:
1. You should introduce the main character and the world slightly more. Granted, we only see your first two pages, and I am an advocate of "show not tell", but I would keep that in mind if you do decide to write this story.
2. This ties in with the first thought, in that I'm not too sure how you are going to make Lin Jinhai appealing as a main character. Typically, in 2nd person POV, you want to make the character at least share some common ground with the reader. What we have is a uneducated, orphaned 15 year old, who is in a deep rage and thinks slamming their fists in a grand form of bloody knuckles with the door is a good idea. I don't know...Others might disagree with me on this, but I think if you developed Jinhai in such a way that he doesn't seem entirely appalling, you'd start your story off better.
3. Your writing style is distinct, which will take some getting used to. When we were supposed to sympathize with Jinhai when his parents died, I felt absolutely nothing. I'm thinking your writing style is the cause of this. This isn't a bad thing by an stretch of the imagination, but I would heartily recommend you save the more "emotional" parts for later in the story, when the reader has adjusted. This way, you can engross your readers.
4. Punctuation, spelling, grammar, all that jazz is decent, and I'm glad you are using the WW. Some minor things I remember seeing were "...he found at the end a old looking", where "a" should be changed to "an", and that sorta thing. Nothing too distracting, but you should be mindful of.
5. I think your choice of dialogue needs some work. Is he muttering out loud? Is he thinking in his head? Your dialogue doesn't distinguish this, and it should. Furthermore, I think you're throwing too many punches too early. Yes, strong language is fine, but I feel it's too excessive, at least the amount in the start. Strong language should provide comic relief or help connect the character to the reader, but neither of those things happened.
6. "The common lifespan of a commoner is 50-60 while somebody that cultivates would be 100+. A powerful person if he/she continues to train is 500+, some but few may even reach 1000 years old but these are hidden masters and they rarely show themselves. They also age a lot slower so somebody in the 100s might look young."
Feels out of place, even when considering your writing style. I don't think this is pivotal information that the reader needs to know at the beginning of the story, and falls into the "show not tell" I meantioned earlier. Why not omit this, but use it later, perhaps in dialogue? For instance, if Lin encounters on of those fabled "masters" during his journey, why not have the master say something like "I have lived for hundreds of years, defeated countless doors in hand smashing contests...what makes you so special?" Yeah yeah, cliche, but you should get the point. This might seem like a "tell" and not a "show", and you are right in some sense. But you aren't breaking the narration. This is more of a show instead of tell because you, as the narrator, aren't telling the reader directly. Instead, you have a character develop this certain element in your world, which makes the story flow MUCH better.
Anyway, there's some more, but like I said, it's late, I have a report that I need to write, and I don't want to be in the forums longer than I have to. I think you have a great idea here, and if finished, would love to read it and give feedback. Have a great day.
P.S. Rereading the OP, I don't know if you wanted just a simple "Yes I'm interested", or actual writing help. I'm thinking the former, but I don't want to erase like, 10 minutes worth of writing.