Forums » Creative Corner » Read Thread

Alright, so here goes...

 

On this night of October, do beware! My child, you know naught what is there. Your sister may be lost to the darkness, my child. And, YOU may decide to follow her there.

You step into the clearing, closing in on the woman with the white hair. All around you, the shadows dance and the gentle winds cause you to shiver. Slowly, you make your way closer to her and reach out towards her shoulder.

Before your hand even touches her shoulder, the woman spins around and grabs your wrist, glaring at you with cold distant eyes.

"So, it is you," Your voice trembles as you speaks, and the woman's expression grows soft.

"Of course it's me," she chuckles for a second and softens her grip around your wrist.

As she speaks, it's like the rest of the world just vanishes, pushed away by the sound of her voice, and you remember the words your mother spoke to you just before she passed away.

"Katherine, do...do you even know that mom's dead..." You can feel a strange feeling pulling at your mind, "You've been gone so long,"

"I know, I know. I want to fix that." She smiles at you, gazing with her distant eyes into your own.

You can feel it happening...you can feel yourself changing. You know that your hair is changing color, you can feel your mind being altered. You close your eyes, crying. You don't want this....you don't want this...you do.

Everything's clear now, everything's okay. Your sister is standing there with her beautiful brown hair and blue eyes, smiling the world away.

"Come on, Helena can't wait to see you again! You know Helena right? Your crush?" She smirks and strolls into the warm welcoming darkness.

You blush, and laugh, chasing after her.

Edit:Yes I'm aware there's not much to it. It's a developing horror idea, that I've had (not this short clip itself [this is  based on my idea of a sort of...changed person.]

Honestly, it's not terrible. I feel that it could most definitely become a very complete storygame. I'd recommend proof reading, however, as there are a few mistakes in the excerpt. Good luck!

I wish you'd write something a little more substantial before posting these. Your thing always seems to be posting excerpts of like, under 300 words, and then nothing ever seems to get done with a story beyond that as far as anyone here ever sees because you just pop in with another one for a different story later.

Anyway, there's some persistent issues with the dialogue punctuation, so you might want to look into that. I felt like at least a line or two of context would have been useful before encountering 'the woman with the white hair', since THE implies a prior reference.

Also questioning whether eyes that are actively focused and glaring at you can really be described as 'distant'.

Those first few lines do contain enough description to ground the action in a specific place however, while the flash back itself as far as I could gather is just happening in a void.

I do get the gist of what you're trying to do here and it could work as the basis for a perfectly respectable spooky story, but it needs a bit more attention to detail even in this short passage. And of course, you have to actually continue to work on it.

Last time I remember Endeavour said he posts on here using his Wii, so it's probably a pain in the ass to type at all with such a horrible device which is probably why his stuff tends to be short.

Still, he could at least focus on one damn thing and just update in short bursts.

Are you looking for feedback? Comments? Suggestions? Or just randomly posting things?

PM I got says he wasn't looking for a detailed critique so, the latter I guess.

Who the hell turns down constructive criticism? I welcome it.

Yeah, but I don't assume everyone else does, too. I hesitate to post lots of suggestions if people don't actually ask for it.

Well this is the Creative Corner too and not the Workshop, so yeah it's worthwhile clarifying that bit first.

Just for future reference, when I post stories here, if...if someone, anyone, wants to comment on them, th-that would be...appreciated. :*********(