Wibbons, you're a really nice and cool guy, but I'm not gonna pussyfoot around this: this is a jumbled mess of words that isn't organic at all. There's so many things that you take two or three sentences to say that could be squeezed into one, IE 'Through the rain, he hears a squeak. It is not the squeak of an animal. No, it is the squeak that occurs when someone slides down a bench.'
Just keep working, and don't overthink shit when you write. Overthinking makes you burn yourself out and you end up writing absolute bollocks, or, worse, losing any enthusiasm you had.
well I missed that so this is my only insight into his ability