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A very bad children's story

5 years ago
I had to write a fairy tale for an English assignment. I procrastinated till the very end and then smashed up something very random and awful. I normally wouldn't have posted this, because I respect you guys too much to make you read this, but Mizal and End told me to do it. So if this makes your eyes bleed, it's their fault.
Here you go, a dad telling a story to his son. I would've put some description before the dialogue, but one of the rules was that the first words of the story had to be "There once was", so I skipped it.

“There was once a strange frog.”
“But daddy, aren’t all frogs strange? They jump all the time and make strange sounds! Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit …”
“Hush son, your little sister is asleep. Yes, indeed, frogs can be quite strange, but this one was even more so. It was bright red, as a tomato; that tasty food that is one of the few vegetables that your mommy doesn’t need to force you to eat. That is quite strange, don’t you agree?
Dart, as was the name of this little frog fellow, was quite happy in his home pond at first. He loved to play with his brothers and sisters, jumping around, racing them from one side of the pond to the other or searching for some tasty bugs. But soon he grew bored of that simple life and wanted to explore the world. His family tried to stop him, of course, but to no avail. He left on a warm spring day, much like this one, coming closer and closer to an end as we speak. He didn’t tell his family where he was going, but he knew just the place: The Perfect Pond.”
“But daddy, my brother once said that nothing is perfect. Things can always be improved, so that people will pay you even more money for them!”
“Well, he might be right, but the frogs thought differently. To them, that pond was perfect. The water was clearer and fresher than anywhere else, and the flies were so fat that it was difficult for them to fly, so they sometimes fell right onto the outstretched tongues of the frogs. Every night they gathered ‘round the pond, their voices loud and strong as they sang, praising their home. So of course Dart went there, to witness that beauty for himself.
But, while the pond was nice, the frogs were quite the opposite. He was the only one of his kind there and the others laughed at him. They started singing another song at night:
Look! Here comes the strange new frog,
as stupid as a log;
like a flower it is red,
we wouldn’t mind if it was dead!”
“How mean! My brother is not nice, but even he would never say such things!”
“Your brother is very nice my boy, he just hides it well. Now where was I … ah yes. Dart could not understand why he was so hated, and he cried for a long time. But one day, as a flock of herons swooped down to catch a tasty meal and all the other frogs searched for a place to hide, he decided that if they want him gone so much, he’ll make them happy. So he stood in the open, where everyone could see him, and waited.
It wasn’t long until he was found. An older heron that was no longer fast enough to run around chasing frogs found him and thought he’d be easy to catch. If it was younger, it might’ve noticed the strange color of Dart’s skin, but its eyes no longer worked as they used to. It swallowed him up, only noticing the strange taste when it was too late.
Just seconds later the heron was calling for help, rolling around on the ground in obvious pain. The others rushed to save it, but there was nothing they could do. They asked it what made it sick, and it claimed it was just a normal frog, unwilling to admit that its eyes failed it.
The flock had every reason to trust the old heron, for it was a wise bird. They became worried, as anyone would be at the possibility that a seemingly normal thing could kill them. They flew away to find a safer place to hunt and told many other predators to avoid the dangerous pond.
When the frogs learned what had happened, they were very guilty that they weren’t nice to poor Dart. They renamed the pond to The Rainbow Pond, to show that every dog, no matter how it looked like, was welcome here. The herons, meanwhile, were never brave enough to come back. The frogs lived happily ever after. Good night, son. Sleep well.”
“Daddy, wait! What about Dart? Did he live happily ever after, too?”
“Erm … yes, he did. He went to the frog heaven, where he met a pretty frog girl. And they lived happily ever after, too!”

My god, why did I post this? This is something that is normally written by small children, not teenagers in secondary school! I think I’ll just go hide somewhere now.

A very bad children's story

5 years ago
I was told this would suck so many times but it's actually kind of...sickeningly cute?

You should have blank lines between the paragraphs, makes it easier on us handicapped folks with eyes, but this is short enough it's not an issue if viewed on a normal sized screen for adults.

'They renamed the pond to The Rainbow Pond, to show that every dog, no matter how it looked like, was welcome here.' // lol, gay!!! And also I assume you meant 'frog' there.

Dart should probably have been driven from his home by an evil stepmother and there should have been a frog who was bigger and meaner than the rest who had his eyes plucked out by birds or was otherwise killed horrifically, this is just missing that little extra something to make it a real fairy tale. (And just as an aside, you should start including people getting their eyes stabbed or ripped out in all your school projects, it might be fun to worry your teachers.)

A very bad children's story

5 years ago
I went looking for comparisons (okay mostly just looking for more gorey fairy tale deaths...) and A treasury of Slovenian folklore - 101 folk tales from Slovenia would appear to be a book that exists and it looks intriguing. But as there's only one single copy on Amazon (for $200!) it seems like it would be a real feat to find it.

A very bad children's story

5 years ago

In one old version of The Three Bears, when the bears catch the gray-haired old woman (not the golden-haired little girl we know much better) who has broken into their home, they attempt to kill her in a variety of unpleasant ways that fail to work for reasons the narrative does not make clear.  They finally impale her on the steeple of St Paul's church, which eventually does the trick.

A very bad children's story

5 years ago
Oh, I have that one on the bookshelf, right next to 101 folk tales from Syria.

A very bad children's story

5 years ago
Very cute, but you didn't start with "there once was."

Writing tip: Small child wouldn't say to his dad, "my brother said" - he would just say, "but Billy said!"

Now to a teacher, the former is appropriate (unless the brother is also in the class or the teacher has a reason to know the brother reasonably well.)

A very bad children's story

5 years ago
Let us know how the teacher liked it.

You've implied the rest of your class is retarded so you'll probably get an A.

A very bad children's story

5 years ago
My teacher looked at the story today. She gave it 3 out of 3 points (this wasn't for a mark, just points that will then be counted together with the next test). Her comment was, "wow, speechless once again, hope you'll be willing to read out" I'll have to read this to the rest of the class? Please, help!
And in case the teacher or any of my classmates read this, I never implied anyone in my class is retarded. That was just Mizal's imagination, don't trust her.