Alright, since you seem to want to improve, I'll give you some pointers based on what you currently have. But to preface this: if you're put off by how much text there is in this review, well, let's just say writing may be the wrong hobby :) 1. Scenes vs stories vs storygames I know a lot of writing advice focuses on starting small, but this seems more like a scene than a story. All that happens is a conversation between the professor, the higher beings, and Ramon. Now, it's not to say that this cannot make for a complete story, but most good stories involves some degree of plot, character development, and theme. A scene, on the other hand, revolves around a singular event. It almost always involves a change in a character's physical or emotional state. I could probably give you more advice about writing stronger scenes, but we'll save that for another day. What you currently have seems more like a scene, which as Mizal suggested, might work better as a linear short story, yet even then you'll have to develop everything a lot further. Storygames are quite different from linear stories. Unlike the latter, readers will not---and cannot be expected to---read every path in a storygame. Each branch should feel complete, whether it leads to a death scene, a premature ending, or the official ending. Thus, if you're choosing to write about seven parallel realities, each has to be a cohesive story of its own. That means the reader should be able to follow the events of the story without being forced to read the other paths. Another thing: the choices must be meaningful. If you're writing a linear storygame, you're better off posting it as a short story in Creative Corner instead. But even if you were, you'll need to follow this next piece of advice: 2. Write more words I would suggest fleshing out what you already have. One of the first things I noticed is the lack of paragraphs on most pages. Readers here prefer a strong narrative than making choices every few seconds or so. That's a common issue with most new writers; in fact, I started the same way, and one of the things that helped me was setting a 200 words minimum for each page. Before you know it, you'll be writing pages longer than 2k words and struggling to cut down content instead! If you want to see what I mean by writing more words, try glancing at a few featured storygames on this site. Look at how these pages are structured by paragraphs. This ties in with the typical 'show, don't tell' advice. I know, it sounds like something of a cliche, but it's pretty important to consider when you begin writing. For instance, don't just tell us the professor stepped into his lab. Describe his lab a little. Is akin to a normal lab, or something more futuristic? What was his state of mind when he stepped in there? Could you give us a bit of information about the notes he's engrossed in? And don't just mention that he 'froze in his tracks'. Describe his shock in more detail---immerse the reader in that moment where he feels a presence in the room, hostile and intent, like an unshakable feeling of being watched. A sense of dread clouds his mind. Then show us what he sees as he looks up. He locks eyes with the creature (this is a good opportunity to describe what the higher dimensional beings look like - if it's in third person pov, that's easy enough; or if it's in first, they could describe themselves as if explaining his shock). And only after a few moments does he seem to shake himself out of his trance and say, "Oh, hello there." I could probably do the same for the rest of the content, but you get the idea. We need more information about what's happening to truly feel immersed within the story. Use more words to stretch out the significant moments, and quickly summarise the less important bits. All this ties in with the next part: 3. Character development At the moment, you have three significant characters. You've given them some semblance of a goal. It's time to take this a step further: sit down and think about what each of them really wants. What is the professor's greatest desire? His personality traits? His greatest fear? Answer the same questions for Ramon and the higher beings too. I've noticed there is some inconsistent characterisation between paths. In most of them, Ramon erases their existence, but in a few, he helps them instead. What causes the difference in reactions? If you wanted to make this a more structured story, you could start with developing the higher beings and making us care about them. Tell us their desire, the driving force behind every action we, as the reader, will take. Same with the professor and Ramon. Even if you can't directly state what their intentions are, if you have planned it out in advance, you can hint at it through their words, actions, and dialogues. Once we care about the characters we're playing as, we'll want to make good choices. The consequences must reflect the characterisations of each character. If Ramon responds favorably to several remarks or conversation threads (which hint at the type of personality he has), then as the story progresses, the readers should choose with this in mind, which leads to more reasonable outcomes. Any plot twists ought to be foreshadowed (let me know if you don't know what this word means). Part of the reason this story feels random is that some of the outcomes are completely unpredictable. Rather than follow a chain of causation, there appears to be no rhyme or rhythm - asking one question leads to death, while another success. And maybe it's just because I'm writing this half-asleep state, procrastinating sleep, but who are we supposed to root for? The professor? The higher beings? Ramon? I'd have thought the answer would be the higher beings, seeing as you mentioned they're the characters we'll play in this 'story', but in a lot of the endings, the stakes appear to be focused on the professor. When he's killed off, there's no mention of what even happens to these higher beings. Same as when humanity brings mankind to an era of peace and prosperity. We don't know which character we're meant to care about---which is even more crucial when there are various characters with conflicting motives---so we end up not caring about this story at all. I was going to add more about story structure and pacing, but this should be enough for now. I've written more words than you have in your story lol. For more tips on starting to take writing seriously, I recommend reading some of the writing advice in this thread (link), especially this post from Gryphon (link).
Dude. Somehow you seem to be missing the point that describing and explaining ARE what a story is. While you may not have to tell and explain everything within the story, you have to explain enough for the reader to picture themselves there. That's one reason it is called storyTELLING. If you just leave a bunch of stuff out that is either in your head or in some mystic all knowing beings mind, you are not actually TELLING a story. You have to give the reader something to hold on to.
Basically yes. The latest version is still disjointed. While evidently you have an idea in your head of the effect you want the story to have, it is not coming across well. So however you conceptualize it, a story still has to communicate. Some of the folks that have given you advice are much better writers than I am, so I'm just going to recommend you try and listen to them. But the approach you are taking at the moment does not appear to be working.
"The man walked into the small local restaurant., is enough information for my imagination to provide something I can see and grab hold of in my mind "
While this sentence should be enough information for anyone's imagination to provide an accompanying visual, it's not how a story works! This means you're writing without any consideration for themes, motifs, imagery, figurative language, characterization, worldbuilding, etc etc. It's like giving someone a skeleton and telling them that they have to imagine the muscles, organs, skin, features, personality, clothes, etc about this person. Look at the opening scene of Reservoir Dogs. No, seriously, go watch it right fucking now, and really watch it.
Alright, done? Now watch it again.
It could be described as "a group of rowdy men eating at a cozy diner together" and that paints a picture in anyone's head, but the actual context and information within this scene is important! All the men are in suits, with slicked-back hair, cigarettes. There's the clear imagery of professional criminals---there's dialogue which conveys the same image, while deepening it as each character expresses their individuality. Some show vulgarity, some show their aggressiveness, some show that they are capable of complex emotions. Even their facial expressions during the dialogue of others is relevant. They even display a bunch of differing opinions just discussing the tip! These motherfuckers are dressed the same and named almost the same; however, they are all distinct, and we get hints at every one of their personalities and even some foreshadowing.
Sure, this is a movie, but all this shit is applicable to writing. If you create depth, then you can create a story that allows the reader to imagine something actually interesting, to actually get invested. You can't get invested in a daydream.
Let's start with short stories: link
The first story is sci-fi (3rd person pov), the second one revolves around powerful deities (also 3rd person), and the third is a good example of writing the narrative voice of a would-be-killer (though it's 1st person).
I'm sure I don't need to spend more time telling you why you didn't really achieve the intended effect you were going for. Instead, to show you're serious about improving, I want you to read these stories. Pay particular attention to the writing styles and release of information. Once you're done, it might be easier to start with writing a simpler short story, focusing on a well-defined character and structured plot.
(Btw this reminds me: I know I have half-finished Thunderdome reviews sitting in a document somewhere. Although it has been a while since they were concluded, I might as well finalise them seeing as I remember reviewing at least 3 stories, if not 4).
