You're weird kid.

¿Por qué le estas dando un mal nombre a nuestra gran ciudad?

I mean, the only thing worse than an underdeveloped kid trying to write a story is a group of them doing the same thing. So you shouldn't really be surprised.

The fact remains that the purpose of this site is not to make people better writers, but to share and read quality stories and storygames. If you make the decision to publish something, then you are tacitly agreeing that it be held to the same standard as everything else ever published here. If you publish something subpar, then it isn't the admins' or anyone's job for the matter to hold your hand and tell you exactly what to change to make it acceptable. If you hit that publish button you are putting your work out there to be seen and read by everyone, so if you are not sure about the quality of said work then perhaps you should hold off on publishing. There are plenty of helpful members including admins like mizal who constantly read the Writing Workshop threads and offer advice and criticism on the writings that you post there. So maybe try that if you really want advice and tips to get better. Also, if you're trying to become a better person you are in the wrong place.

Great advice all around, thank you. I admit that I have a problem in regards to that step by step description you pointed out and reading it back it just doesn't feel right. I guess sometimes I forget to detach from the whole omniscient narrator thing when describing actions. After all, the protagonist would have a limited understanding about most of the stuff going on like what type of truck it was and what part of her car was hit and so on. 

Forgot this existed. Here's the next page.

What remains of the first half of the day goes by as you and Mia engage in the mall's various services. Despite your best efforts Mia ends up buying a weird motorcycle club-like leather jacket that besides expensive you find ugly. Still, you can't vocally disapprove of your daughter's tastes, so you resign and pay for it. She even insists on leaving the store wearing the damn thing. While you do see some things that catch your eye you decide against spending any money on yourself and instead eat out with Mia at a place she likes. You have no idea what there is to eat back home, and you don't feel like cooking anyway. After sharing a particularly disgusting flavor of ice cream with Mia you convince her to leave only after bribing her with a restaurant of her choosing, at which point both of you head back to the parking lot. As you approach your car, the first thing you notice is the new blue scrape it is rocking on the copilot's door. "You have to be fucking kidding me!" you explode. Mia giggles at your outburst.

"Sorry," you blurt out as you rage internally. You have no doubt in your in your mind regarding the culprit, namely the horrid metallic blue hatchback that was parked next to your car when you entered the mall. You wish you could have caught the asshole who did it, but he is long gone. Additionally, going around asking for security recordings or whatever sounds like more trouble than it's worth. Cursing under your breath so as to not be heard by present underaged company, you get in the car and hit the steering wheel a couple times to get it out of your system. You take your phone out of your pocket and immediately notice Greg's 7 missed calls along with a couple of texts.

where r u? mia ok? - Sent 12:29

something going on downtown. maybe riots - Sent 12:29

answer ur fucking phone lazy bitch - Sent 12:31

stay with mia. do NOT come downtown - Sent 12:34

It is fair to say that between these texts and all the missed calls you are a little perplexed. You know riots and protests have been going on downtown for some time now, but they always seem to be controlled and quelled by law enforcement. If Greg was concerned enough to actually ask you about Mia and he is right about the riots, then you can only assume they have gotten much worse. You try to call him back but it's clear his phone is not turned on. You check his last connection and it matches up with his last text. In any case, between his cryptic texts and his sudden disconnection you are reasonably concerned about his wellbeing. The mall you are in is pretty much at the middle of the freeway that goes from your home to downtown. Regardless, going downtown to look for him is out of the question. He was after all very explicit in his desire for you to stay away from there and it's not like you care too much about him to put Mia and yourself at risk. 

You decide to head back home with Mia and learn what you can from the news as you wait for Greg to contact you. You leave him a text explaining this for when he switches his phone back on and drive away. The first thing that you notice as you hop into the freeway are a bunch of people driving in the same direction as you, likely away from downtown. Some of them are going ridiculously fast and you do your best to stay away from those. You are about halfway to your house when you begin noticing dozens of police cars and vans driving the opposite direction from you. You can even hear some helicopters hovering above. They all seem to be heading downtown which furthers your concerns. You take your exit and come into an intersection. You turn on the radio and search for a news station. You eventually get one and turn the volume up. Unfortunately, this guy seems to know very little other than the fact that police from pretty much every precinct are being called downtown on a multitude of emergency calls and a command by the commissioner. He also seems to suspect riots but is otherwise confused as to how they could have suddenly turned into such a widespread emergency.

The green light comes on and you advance. What the hell is going on? you wonder. It is kind of annoying that no one really seems to know anything. “Mom, what’s going on?” Mia speaks up for the first time since you left the mall. “Sweetie, I – “ is all you manage to get out before a rather large truck coming from your right apparently skips the red light in the intersection and slams against the traffic light post while flipping over its side. You slam on the brakes and steer sharply to the right, but the now detached box of the truck spins around the intersection and hits the back of your car. You lose control and your car spins until it slams hard into what you can only assume is another car. The sudden impact sends your head crashing against the steering wheel, and since your airbags don’t work anymore you hit your head hard enough you almost black out.

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/mommy,-can-i-go-out-and-kill-tonight~3f

Hey, didn't you hear? He is not a newb. He said so explicitly.

Lol

http://chooseyourstory.com/forums/creative-corner/message/25542

I recommend story A, titled "Mary".