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Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement.

2 years ago

 This takes place equivalent to our 1800s so technology is limited. It's is about two civilizations in the land of Reef known a the Arr Islands and the country of Letren in connection to their western island colonies. The goal of the hunt for a treasure that grants eternal youth and enough riches to supply a generation of wealth on an ancient island of Rama. 

 

ARR: The islands of Arr are home to pirates and stragglers. Thieves and Crooks hoard the streets along with terrible living conditions. Islands are run by Captain Arlief and his crew after he overthrew the past leader. The economy is close to none; there is no real currency, only trading gold, and valuables for goods and drinks. Their main goal is to conquer and plunder land. They have seven ships including the Sprite and Lazarus which carry the fiercest pirates on the seas craving land with diamonds and gold. However, when your on the island, be aware, Arlief has his group of hired mercenaries that blend in on the streets preventing any sign of revolt against him or rebellion,

 

Letren and other colonies: Home to a prospering economy under Archduke Eric the third. Mega world superpower with more than 32 million people. It’s island colonies (including Erik Port and Sanma) are home to strong navy and tropical landscape. Its inland islands attract tourists.  Seeks gold to support their outer island colonies

I made short Point of Views from a character of each Letren and the Arr. Tell me what you think

 

Edward

The Palace Villa, Erik Port

 

I stood there with my blade tipped up against my opponents throat. Glaring him into his eyes, I saw the look of a scared man. A man that had a look of despair and that he had lost control. The room was deathly silent. He ever so carefully took his hand and slowly yer forcefully brought the blade down.

“Well done my Prince...well done,” my trainer Lance said with a trace of fright.

I took a glance at his hand quivering every now and then.

“You’re afraid. Tell me why?”

Lance glared up at me and bowed before returning eye level to me, “My Prince-”

“Call me by my name damn it!”

“E-Edward. It seems that now my work here is done. I was always used to being in control in our duels for the last 10 or so years if I can remember correctly but it seems our training and work has led you to surpass me. I will no longer be to any service to you. I believe with your training, you could take on Captain Arleif yourself.  For this reason I request for your dismissal.”

I sighed and began to pace the room thinking to myself while Lance stood there. He was a very lean man yet his stature and appearance just spelled out soldier. He was an excellent military swordsman and was awarded with multiple metals. My father chose him to train me every day since I was 11 and until now I had never beaten him. He never went easy on me since day one.  I looked outside at the village beneath me in the distance. The village I would one day come to rule all while from a throne back in Letren. Still looking outward I spoke,

“Very well then. I relieve you of your duties and thank you for your service to the crown.”

I shortly after I heard the door close signaling he had left. My eyes filled with tears knowing my childhood was deserting me. That I would soon become a man leaving me to return to a land I no longer cared about, and to marry a bride I hardly will know.

 

 

Hughie’s Point of View:

Carsine Shipyard, Arr Islands

Keep going! You’re almost there!

Those were the words I thought to myself as a took yet another bounty crate from the ship and stacked it onto another one. I watched my footing as to make sure I didn’t trip then carefully yet forcefully set down the heavy crate.

I looked up at the sky while wiping the sweat off my brow and saw that the sun was about to set some time soon.

“Last one!” Cole,  my swole and dignified fellow employer, said almost focused on the arduous task of bringing down the last of the boxes.  After he set it down he walked up to me and

“Well Hugh, you’ve earned your wages for the day.” Cole said reaching into a pouch of his. He pulled out a silver tabloon and dropped it in my palm.

I glanced down at my palm and gritted my teeth together so tight it it felt as though they could break.. Cole scummed me out and he knew very well that he did.

“Hey I worked for four half tabloon. That’s not fair.”

Cole just laughed, “Look that’s not how it works here.  I don’t care if it’s fair or not kid. What are you going to do about? Wayne’s not here kid. It’s part of the job.”

I silently gritted my teeth and clenched my first yet I knew it would just be stupid to try and fight Cole. Sure I was bigger than him but looking at the scars running across his body, who knows how many people became his victims.  I didn’t even want to look at his ugly face. I turned around and ran. The sight of Cole compelled me to get as far away as the shipyards as possible. I hated it there. The endless labor, the late shifts, the poor wages. I loathed every minute of it.

There was a bundle of wood layin up against another wooden crate. The crates were everywhere, that is, except for the waterfront where constant repairs were being made to the ships. Releasing my anger I lashed my leg out kicking the bundle and dispersing them in every direction causing a numb pain in my foot.

“You ok there Hugh?” a voice said behind me. I turned around to face a familiar face.

“I’m fine Nico. Always got to be sneaking up on people.” I said brusquely. I had gotten to meet Nico gradually throughout the past couple of years with him talking his mouth off to me of his adventures.  He was rarely seen in Carsine due to his tenure as a pirate yet I did enjoy his presence.

“ Well ok then… I think you’ve grown since the last time I saw you. It’s been what, 3 months since I last popped in?” Nico said.

I nodded while fidgeting with the tabloon in my hand.

“How’s Wayne doing?” Nico inquired.

“He’s sick. Got a fever, expected to recover though thankfully.”

I glanced out towards the ocean and the crashing waves riding up on the shoreline.

“He’s a lucky old man Hugh. Usually a fever is a death sentence, especially here.”

“I know,” I said facing back to him, “probably good he could get a break from this ******* job.”

I finally saw Nico for the first time in a while. He had grown slightly as well and his face had seemingly matured somewhat. His ginger hair had grown almost falling into his eyes but it was still messy as usual.

“Look Hugh, you can still sign up for the expedition you know?”

I acted as if I didn’t understand but just about everyone on this island understood. Rooted and passed on by whispers words of a great treasure on an Island that was often disregarded as just a hunk of rocks.

“I know you’ve heard Hugh.  It’s not too late. Seven members of our crew were slaughtered by a Letren Naval ship. We need new crew.”

I just gave a half-hearted smile and then spoke, “Nico you know Wayne would never allow me to do that. No matter how much he hates it here he’ll keep working as long as he’ll know I’m safe.  He’s been in the pirating realm and he’s told me it’s blood and guts.”

Nico smirked and then decided to speak, “That’s true, Wayne is right about that but the reward….” Nico pulled out a pouch and opened the bag for me to see. There were at least 50 gold tabloons.  That’s more than what Wayne and I earn in 6 months combined.

“Jeez how much did you loot?!” I marveled.

“We raided a merchant ship stocked with Ivory and tabloons. Earned us high-pay.”

I cussed under my breath. A feeling of sheer envy enveloped my soul. Wayne worked 10 times harder than Nico yet he earned next to dirt. I wanted to do something and it felt like I’d been pushing this thing back for too long. In an impulsive manner I spoke, “How do I register?”

Nico raised an eyebrow alarmed by my question, “Money does really weigh opinions. I’m pretty sure tonight at the Splintered Chair, my Quartermaster Sisk will be there. as usually drinking and what not. Ask him to join and I’m sure he’ll have a contract for you to sign.”

“Contract?” I asked curiously.

“All Arr Citizens over the age of 14 must sign a contract if they’re not part of a crew beforehand. The contract is the Pirate Code basically put onto paper with the 4 main rules, Desertion results in death, Follow the Captain's orders, no pocketing loot for yourself, and your on Duty until released or past the age of 55.  That’s pretty much it.”

“55!”

“Don’t worry, you can be released right after the expedition. They’ll know your oly doing a one time thing.”

I thought about it for a second with a feeling of guilt of even considering this yet also a titillation inside of me of what pirating could be and the treasures that behold.

“And the Splintered Chair. You have to be 18 or older to enter.”

Nico smirked at me, “I think you know you can take care of getting in there Hugh.”

“I haven’t made up my mind if I’m even going.”

Nico started to walk backwards smiling, “I think we already know your mind's made up. Tell Wayne I said hi.”

And with that Nico walked away, leaving me to think of the possibilities that could await...

 

 

Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement.

2 years ago
So the pirate island is called Arr? Lol okay.

This was interesting and I would have happily kept reading if there was more, which is more than I can say for a lot of the excerpts that get posted here. The Arr section in particular did a nice job of getting across character and setting details and establishing some conflicts and goals. I don't know how much time you actually spent plotting this stuff out but the fact you obviously have worked out quite a bit about the setting (and yet thankfully didn't feel the need to hit us with the legendary Textwall of Infodump) and the efficiency here in establishing an actual plot and what drives it tells me you've got a good instinct for this if nothing else.

The Letren section didn't quite grab me, but you've got less of it and no real conflict aside from a rich kid who's successful at things being sad about getting married. The fact that the trainer quit and seemed actually afraid after losing a single fight seems odd, although at first I was picking up a sense of tension between the two which would have made the whole thing more interesting if it had gone somewhere.

Thinking now that that was more about your word choices, which, like your grammar was in some places a bit odd and more noticeably so in the Letren section. 'Glaring' at someone implies anger, for one thing. 'Staring' or 'gazing' might have been more what you were going for.

Just curious, is English your first language? Not sure how deeply I need to get into the grammatical stuff here and suggestions for rephrasing or if it's more an issue of you just needing to proofread a bit more. (There's a sprinkling of punctuation errors to so more proofreading would be a good idea regardless before you're ready to put up the final version of this.)

Is the plan for this to be a CYOA for the site, or is this a regular story you're working on?

Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement.

2 years ago

I totally get what you're saying. I came up with the idea about a week ago [Haha the Arr island name was the best I could do] and I typed this up Friday and Saturday without any proofreading. My poor grammar definitely shows.  I really don't know if I should continue at it since it's story line is pretty weak. To respond to your question. sadly English is my first language [I'm semi proficient in German] and I'm not that skilled at typing or writing it. I really do appreciate the input though. I will try to use it in the future. To explain more about the characters I always make a description so I can refer back to it to help me.  Here's them for those two characters. [I didn't proofread.]

Hughie Mathis

15

Male

He has a muscular build from working on lifting boxes and crates off looted ships at the shipyards as his job, fair skin but tattered with dirt, dark brown eyes that often intimidate the person they trace onto, 5'10, hair is short and scruffy as though he cut his own.

He is very courteous to his friends and elders but not to strangers his age, generally curious and risk taking, he has little ambitions other than providing for his self and Wayne. He is self-controlled for te most part unless someone is directly verbally or physically attacking him, rarely optimistic given the conditions he has to live with, he can be trusted if he knows you well enough but I wouldn't ask him to look after your purse, Not truly loyal to the Arlief because of the life situation they put Wayne and him in but he's just glad to be alive and healthy, is sympathetic but in private ever since his brother died. He is very observant of his surroundings and takes his instincts very seriously.

He's verry good at stealing, lockpicking, hiding, melee combat, spying

 He was an abandoned baby, along with his twin brother who was found alive after a captured ship was plundered. A crew member who discovered the two, Wayne, decided to take the two in as his own. Wayne ended up quitting his shipping days to raise the two boys, in not the best living conditions. The conditions ended up coming into play when Hughie's brother Ralph grew sick of a bacterial disease at the age of 5, with the lack of any good medical supplies or equipment, Ralph died. Hughie continued to live with Wayne who had moved in with his sister for 3 years. Once Hughie turned 8, Wayne returned to his work and left Hughie to be taught by Wayne's nephew Aaron. This continued until Hughie reached the age of twelve, where he began to work with Wayne back at the shipyard. Now he still works but has gotten to know many of the pirates that pass by the shipyard. Hughie wants to better for Wayne.

Weapons: Cutlass that Wayne gave him when Wayne used to be in a pirating crew and a dagger that Hughie hides in his sock.

Other: None

 

 

Now here's Edwards 

  Prince Edward Von Wilson

17

 Male

Stocky build,  Milky, large, mysterious blue eyes that appear to look deep into your soul, coarse medium blonde hair, heart shaped face, fair skin, usually wears a military officer uniform suited with white waistcoat laced in golden linens over a fine tuned white tunic, a saber hilt on a belt attached to beige breaches and black boots.

 Dignified, He would seem to hold himself up haughtily but he is very humble and patriotic about Letren. He his exceedingly smart due to his high education yet he has a soft side that he often keeps hidden to others.

 Very Intelligent, Excellent swordfighter, Strong.

 Grew up a Prince in the Kingdom of Letren but his parents noticed he soon became spoiled and selfish by the age of Eight. Seeing what they could do they sent him over the Erik Port where he would life with his Fathers Second cousin where he would learn to be obedient, taking fencing classes everyday since he was nine, learning to play the harpsichord, violin, and flute, becoming more self reliant. Now Edward feels the need to stay in Eric Port amid the rising tensions with the Arr but faces a conflict of his own in the fact that he will have to retrn to Letren soon after his 18th birthday to marry his betrothed wife (which he doesn’t want to do.)

Uses a saber

 

 

Anyway, If you would create tension between the trainer and Edward, how would you set it up. The tension was more suppose to be like Edward molding into a man unfortunately I couldn't get it across that way. Any suggestions?

Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement.

2 years ago
Well in this case it's more that the use of 'glaring' for both of them was misleading, in addition to the trainer's reaction of fright ('despair' might have been a more dramatic word choice than what you were actually trying to going for too...) but at first I was getting the sense that they actually disliked each other, or that the trainer had reason to be afraid which would hint at some kind of backstory there or at least some kind of character flaw of Edward's being established.

As for the technical stuff, just in general you want to try and avoid overusing passive language like 'was' and 'had been' and -ly adverbs. Also keep an eye out for things like your vs you're and when apostrophes are needed for possessives. (opponent's throat, etc.)

By grammatical oddness, I'm talking phrases like 'I thought about it for a second with a feeling of guilt of even considering this yet also a titillation inside of me of what pirating could be and the treasures that behold.' and 'Glaring him into his eyes'.

The most foolproof advice I've ever seen given for this sort of thing is to read your work out loud, any awkward phrasing that's easy to skim over with your eyes will jump out at you when you hear it.

As for the character bios, etc, that's awesome. I always sit down and figure out a ton of details on characters and settings before I ever start to write. Even if half of it never makes it into the story itself it's there for my own reference and along with a plot outline smooths out the writing process considerably. Especially if you think you might be likely to have to put a project down awhile for RL interruptions, it makes picking it up again much easier.

e: The text in that last post of yours came out tiny though, what exactly are you doing with your fonts?

Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement.

2 years ago

Thanks. Right after I finish writing something I always just want to post it without taking the time to review it. My passive voice definitely highlights the weakness of my writing. Thank you for the tips. I have so many story ideas it's just hard to put them to paper. I talk to myself sometimes (I know it's weird) and it really helps me envision things more clearly whether it be a story or just an assignment. 

I accidently made the font size smaller. My apologies.

Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement.

2 years ago
I have a suggestion: just don't use fonts. More than a paragraph of the above is more than most people are going to be willing to read and if go around to other threads switching them around like this it's going to get annoying fast.

E: interesting, it's the same one as the OP I just realized, but on mobile it shows up as this absolutely painful cursive 'handwriting' font.

Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement.

2 years ago

Alright, good advice :) Thanks for all the help. I'll be back eventually to share another story idea, but it was great to get feedback from an experienced writer. (No I'm not a sycophant) Until next time,

VanFevor

Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement.

2 years ago

The first and third post of his comes out as Comic Sans for me, and the second one is really tiny. Guess I'll resize the tiny one.

Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement.

2 years ago


It hurts.

Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement.

2 years ago

Alright, alright, I fixed the comic sans (or cursive on mobile) to little mermaid font.

Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement.

2 years ago
Commended by EndMaster on 1/14/2018 9:30:54 PM
Ok, well, you did ask what I thought. So here goes. Now realize this will be a constant stream of thought from my brain as I read it. And you asked for it. Oh, and this is entirely my opinion and likely worth exactly what you paid for it.

“a the Arr islands” Ok, I guess that’s “as.” …Lentren, western colonies, goal of the hunt, for treasure? Whew, this is already confusing. But back to ARR – Okay, the pirates live on ARR. I’m going to assume this is a comedy. But hey, it’s run by Captain Arlief, which looks like “Captain Relief,” so yeah, looks like a comedy. There’s “no economy,” but trading in gold and valuables for goods. That is kind of the definition of economy, so now I’m confused. “Their main goal?” Who? We were just talking about the economy. Sorry, the economy that doesn’t exist. So apparently to goal of the non-existent economy is to plunder land. After all, it doesn’t sound like the goal of Captain Relief is to plunder, since he just took over these luxury pirate islands laden with gold trading. There’s seven ships. Is that on the entire island? Maybe the island is smaller than I thought. When “your on the island?” Maybe you’re? But hey, Captain Relief has gone and imported mercenaries. I mean, at least he didn’t hire any of the unemployed pirates, thieves and crooks that were already there on the island for some reason. And they’re not actually preventing revolt, just signs of revolt. But wait, if there were only seven ships, why do they need mercenaries. Maybe the place is bigger than I thought? Let’s see what happens in the next paragraph.

Oh hey, look, Letren, in which the Arr islands are, is home of a prospering economy. This was the non-existent economy just a little while ago. Okay, maybe it’s just a part of a small place. No, wait, suddenly there’s 32 million people. 32-friggin-million. In the 1800s technology. Dang. That’s a lot of people, and that’s got to be one complex economy run by one fellow, an Archduke. But hey, archdukes work for kings and emperor’s so I wonder how big the entire empire might be. Maybe I’ll find out later. Oh, but now I’m going to read about two different people, both from Lenten. Well, I mean, Arr is IN Lenten, so I’m not sure why it says “Lenten and the Arr.” Can you tell I’m quite confused about the geography at this point? Oh well, I think now I’ve reached the point for which feedback was actually requested…

Edward. We’re in a palace. In a port. Sounds good. Good, solid name for this guy who sounds fancy. “Blade tipped up?” That doesn’t sound right. I’m trying to get in an initial perception and I’m trying to build a picture of this guy. But how to you “tip up” a blade against an opponent? It might be pressed up against or pointed at, but tipped up just doesn’t sound right to me. “Glaring him?” That’s not a thing. You can glare AT someone, but you can’t glare them. Honestly, this is tough to read. “A man that had a look of despair” probably shouldn’t be a sentence on its own. Maybe it should be part of the previous sentence with a colon. “and that he had lost control” just doesn’t fit at all there. I mean, I get what you’re going for here, but the way it reads is very difficult. But wait – the room is silent, he’s about to die, yet he carefully and forcefully lowered the sword. I'm lost.

Now in the next line, I see that Edward is a prince, and that’s good. But now I find out Lance is his trainer. But wait, the trainer is afraid of Edward. Ok, he stinks as a trainer. Trainers aren’t supposed to be afraid of their trainees. I like the conversation between the two, but the setup where Lance is afraid really doesn’t work for me. He could be effective, or he could be beaten, but I see no reason for him to be scared of Edward. I like the paragraph with some back story, but I get lost once again when I read about “the village I would one day come to rule all while from a throne back in Letren.” Oh crap. Remember the geography issues I had earlier? They’re continuing. Okay, he’s a prince. And he rules something. A village far away from here he is now. So does he still rule it from here? But wait, BACK in Letren? I thought we were IN Letren. But wait, this was a land ruled by an archduke – who is technically lower in rank than a prince. So… what? Maybe this is clear in your mind and background for this story, but it comes across very confusing. I’ll just plow ahead.

WHAT?!? Lance just got fired? Holy cow, that’s low. Why would he get fired for doing a good job? I’m not sure why the prince didn’t find him some other work in the military or something. But hey, no, he’s just fired. I guess that’s what happens around here. Stinks for Lance, though. I like the bit about the foreshadowing for the bride, but “soon become a man?” Good gosh, the prince is a better swordsman than the most decorated (yet unemployed) man in the entire land, AND he’s ruled villages, but yet he’s thinking that he might become a man some day? You sure this isn’t some millennial?

Let’s go on to Hughie.

Ok, we’re going to the Arr islands with Hughie and Carsine shipyards. Much lighter here. Sounds fun. Carefully and forcefully set down a heavy crate? That sounds weird. If I put it down carefully, I’m not sure how that’s forcefully. And if it is heavy, then I really don’t see those two fitting together. Okay, next sentence is very confusing. We have Cole, who is “my swole,” so I’m thinking it’s his close friend. But he is also “dignified,” while really doesn’t go with swole at all. And hey, he’s also my “fellow employer,” so I guess the two dignified gays are also johns at a shipyard. What in the hell is going on here? I know that I have no idea. Apparently, Cole doesn’t either, because he is “almost focused” on a task. But hey, it was an “arduous task,” so he has that going for him. How do you ALMOST focus on something difficult? I’m waiting for the box to slam to the ground since he wasn’t really focused on it, but that didn’t happen, so I think there’s just extra words in here that really don’t need to be there. I’m going to try and read some more, though.

I think a sentence ended weird there: “After he set it down he walked up to me and” Well, nothing. Now Cole is paying me. So I guess I work for him. But he was unloading boxes. Maybe this economy is stranger than I thought. Usually people who have others unload pirate ships for them don’t unload them themselves. I would think they’d be the boss making sure things get done, but I suppose they could work alongside one another. Weird in the 1800s, but okay. Oh hey, he paid in a tabloon. Personally, I think that’s a little too close to “doubloon.” I mean go ahead and call it that, or even silver piece or something. Tabloon just sounds silly to me.

Uh-oh, I think Hughie is mad. But wait, Cole “scummed” him out. I wonder if this goes back to the whole bit about them being dignified gays. Oh wait, he cheated him. Sort of. Maybe. I guess “scummed out” is slang for cheated. I didn’t see that. But hey, Hughie might go tell Wayne. Uh… So Hughie is bigger than Cole and Cole is scared of Wayne, some connection Hughie has. But Hughie is a wimp and scared of Wayne, so much so that he literally runs away from him. Okay, in my mind, Hughie is now pretty much a scared little wimp. Maybe that’s a setup, but that’s how I see him now.

Bundle of wood layin? Was that intentional? Or did the “g” just disappear? Anyway, the next scene has Hughie in the crates and kicking wood. But just a moment ago he ran “as far away as the shipyards as possible.” I’m pretty sure that’s “from,” but either way, my mind had him running away from the shipyards and at least through town, but maybe all the way out the other end of town. But he didn’t. He’s apparently ran about two feet, maybe three. But that’s okay, because Nico is there.

Ah Nico. Nico is a guy that Hughie “gradually met.” How in the world do you do that? This is nuts. It took years to “gradually meet” this guy. Is that like, he appears around the corner, I say, “Hi, my name is,” and then he runs away? And maybe the next time he tries it and says, “Hi, my name is,” and I run away. And we keep that up for two years? But hey, at least he’s told me all about his adventures during that two years I was trying to meet him.

I like the descriptions and details in the conversation. It appears to develop mostly naturally and reveals a few more details effectively, without being too obvious. “I finally saw” him was weird because, again, weird words. Something earlier about Hughie not making eye contact, or intentionally avoid his eyes or something would make more sense. And then there’d have to be something about turning to look at him instead of “finally saw.”

I did lose it a bit more with “rooted and passed on.” I don’t know what that means at all. I’m thinking Nico would not make a good salesman. “Hey, we just had seven guys slaughtered, so we need replacements.” I’m not sure what cannon fodder gets paid these days, but I’m not sure that’s a great line to try and convince people to join a crew.

So Wayne won’t let Hughie join the crew. Now I’m really wondering who Wayne might be. Wayne protects Hughie, but he also hates him. And he used to be a pirate, but now he works in the shipyards. And he works to protect Hughie? And he wants to keep Hughie safe. Confusing relationship.

Envy enveloped his soul? What does that mean? I’m thinking if he is overcome with envy that old Nico here is about to be shanked for that bag of gold. Then again, if old Nico is walking around with that much cash on a pirate island with no economy, I’m kind of surprised someone else hasn’t beat Hughie to it. Why did Nico say, “Money really does weigh options?” No it does not. Not ever. Money can’t friggin weigh anything, it’s damn money! The rest of the text does appear to have quite a few more typos and errors to the point where I can’t read some of it.

But hey, it does sound like you’ve got a good start here. You’ve got some ideas and some characters that appear to have some motivations and direction. But as you can see if you actually read all this crap that I wrote, that some of it was quite a bit confusing to me, and there were places where words just didn’t quite fit. I do hope you continue with this and work it into a grand story, and I do hope my comments here helped you a bit. They were not meant to be mean, just what popped into my head as I read it.