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Legions (Tiny men)

3 months ago

WIP Thread for a story I’m doing.

DEADLINE: June 20

Time to 150k words on mobile, lez do this 

Legions (Tiny men)

3 months ago

DO NOT REPLY TO DIS POST

Words 13,000/150,000

Pages ?/?

 

Legions (Tiny men)

3 months ago
Get a damn laptop. $200 is all you need for one you can write on. I'm sure you've spent more than that on anime and games in the last couple months.

Legions (Tiny men)

2 months ago

Been seriously working on this story recently as I try to get it finished in a reasonable time frame.


Let me know what you think of this first page.

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Growing up as a child you always spent much of your free-time with your granddad during the summers in which you were out of school. You had always looked up to him in ways that you’ve never have to any other person, even your own parents surprisingly.

Thinking back now, you wondered why your Grandpa would never get annoyed at you when you kept on going into his workshop to snoop and watch him work on his latest project whenever you had finished helping your grandma with chores. Concentration on his labor could almost never be broken, as long as you didn’t yell out or do anything dumb. You could watch him work for hours as he turned blocks of boring clay into beautiful miniature figurines and sculptures that you looked as if a magician had a hand in creating such beauties.

The items he created looked so real, so life like that you just wanted to examine each of his creations to find every single miniscule detail that he molded or painted. Even at that age though you knew how fragile the creations could be, so you always took great care with the miniatures that your grandad allowed you to play with when you politely asked if you could.

"Grandpa, can you teach me how to make these toys too?" You would ask innocently from time to time.

Laughing, he would ruffle your hair with his clay stained fingers.

"Trust me my boy, there's a lot of tedious steps involved in this craft, you would just get bored."

You would pout heavily at this and shake your head. "No I Wouldn't Grandpa! please show me how, pretty please!"

No matter how much you complained and pouted, your Grandpa would just be amused at your tantrums, and return back to his work. You would end up relenting and just continued watch him again as you always did, hoping that you would be able to learn yourself just by watching. But the way he moved his hands, the way he shaped the clay, you tried it on your own countless of times and never were you able to match his precision and finesse with that soft material.

It angered you at times, although that envy that you held slowly started to fizzle out as you got older, as did the trips you would take during the summer to your Grandpa's workshop. You could honestly say you just stopped caring, and although the amazement of his craft never faded from your thoughts, it just ended up becoming an after thought that you would casually remember from time to time.

All the memories that you had made with your Grandpa all at the same time flooded back into your thoughts on this day, in which his passing finally came. When you first heard the news you felt your grief in many ways, first anger, then guilt and finally depression.The giant ball of guilt hurt you the most, you blamed yourself for not visiting him more after grandma had died, just imagining him alone in that farmhouse made your heart ache as if it had been torn. You couldn't even remember what you even did the last day that you saw him, let alone the last words he said to you.

Your eyes burn with tears as you watch him be lowered into the depths of his designated grave site by your dad and the rest of your relatives who were handling his coffin.

Such a shitty day.

Legions (Tiny men)

2 months ago

I knew my faith in you was not misplaced.  

First off, you have a lot of run-on sentences which makes things seem a bit awkward and unwieldy.   Just fixing that would improve the reading experience tremendously.  

I like the story so far, and it kept me interested.  The last part is pretty relatable.  I see you decided to say 'relatives who were handling his coffin.'  Just go with 'pall bearers.'  

The last sentence made me smile.  

Anyway, I look forward to the rest and am glad you have been working on it lately.  

Legions (Tiny men)

2 months ago
I've been interested in the story ever since you started talking about you, glad to finally see proof you're also you know, working on it too.

Cricket hit the nail on the head with run on sentences being the major issue here. Later at a more reasonable hour I can examples of how to break them up if someone hasn't already beaten me to it. This is all a huge improvement over some of your earlier stories though, is really shaping up to be good.

Legions (Tiny men)

one month ago

Dang, digit. This is good stuff. I agree with the point Cricket made. Breaking up some some lines would make it slightly convenient for the reader. All else considered, I'm excited for you to finish this.

Legions (Tiny men)

one month ago
DIGIT ARE YOU WRITING

Legions (Tiny men)

one month ago

YES, IM AT A STEADY PACE