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Where would you take an eldritch deity on a date?

3 months ago


In between my more expansive surrealist horror stories, I decided to write a bit of a 'palate cleanser' in "Elder God Dating Simulator". In it, you (obviously) get to date any number of elegible ancient Ones. Trouble is, I'm having a bit of difficulty determining potential date locations, and was wondering if anybody here could help with that. Thanks!

Here are the current profiles for each deity I'm including.


“Will be the one from your dreams!”

Likes: tentai, salty dogs, antiquarians, cyclopeans

Dislikes: old people (elder things), people messing with his daughter, freighters, poles, ships in general

Potential Dates: Walk on the beach, Italian Restaurant(He eats the spaghetti while looking at you seductively.)


“More like AzaTHOT!”

Likes: The music of Erich Zann, cuddling in bed, shared dreams,puns, tentai

Dislikes: Being woken up from slumber, silence, idiot cultists, practical jokes, poems

PDs: the center of ouroboros, ?


“Looking for a new direction in life”

Likes: ageplay, tentai, recognition, vore, 

Dislikes: BDSM, that uptight bitch charydbis

PDs: Nursery, sushi place, aquarium, ?


“Will definitely put out!”

Likes: pregnancy, tentai, raceplay, petplay, being called “mommy”

Dislikes: Being mistook for a tree, bullets apparently

PDs: Netflix and Chill, dark forest, ?


“Tall, dark and handsome. Or whatever you want him to be. Can get you a deal on anything”

Likes: Egypt, blood pacts, tentai, dominating, getting old ladies to kidnap children, pet rats,

Dislikes: Lawyers, being shown up,

PDs: Courtroom, ?


“Will put on a show for you”

Likes: Yellow, theatre, graffiti, masks, tentai

Dislikes: that one anime, people that think his name is Carcosa, Mysterious Strangers, people that reference his past life as a shepherd

PDs: Theater


“He'll put his Key in your Gate.”

Might be a long-distance relationship, is a bit trapped outside the universe

Likes: Lurking, magic, tentai, things to look at, sexless 40 year olds

Dislikes: Needles, porn, 

PDs: Magic show?


“Warm where it matters”

Likes: Yodeling, snow, incest porn, tentai, impregnating women,

Dislikes: Offspring that turn against him, the sun, that bigfoot asshole

PDs: ?


“You’ll need a diving suit to see how deep that trench goes!”

Briny, broody, fishy, runs a cult “Everybody’s Obvious Duty”

Likes: fish dinner, the ocean, tentai, monstergirls

Dislikes: Whales, Philistines, the police,

PDs: Innsmouth?

Additionally, if anybody can think of any Lovecraft themed dating app names that would be greatly appreciated. So far, the ones I've come up with are:







Edit: yes, this is a joke game.

Where would you take an eldritch deity on a date?

3 months ago

 I've been thinking for a bit, and this is what I've come up with.

Dagon could take the reader to the aquariam, either to

A.) Make them a partner in crime to release all the fish into their natural habitats.

B.) Have them both hunt down their own dinners. 

C.) Both. 

He could also take them to the very bottom of the Mariana Trench. As long as the reader keeps Dagon happy, they'll make sure the reader doesn't die. If the reader makes him mad...welp, no more protection for them. 


Actually, maybe that could be a thing? Like if the date goes too bad, the reader gets killed off by said monster. 

Since looking at Cthulhu makes you go insane, the reader might have to go on said date wearing a blindfold or something. 

There's also a real town called Hell on Earth, which has potential. Apparently, anyone can be mayor for a day!

And that's all I have. 

Hopefully this is interesting enough, but if not then that's cool too.




Where would you take an eldritch deity on a date?

3 months ago

No no, I really like these ideas! Especially the potential instadeath pathways if you somehow manage to tick the respective eldritch deity off. Thank you for your thoughts!

Where would you take an eldritch deity on a date?

3 months ago
I think a game like this could really score well if the humor holds up. I'd certainly give it a read haha!

Where would you take an eldritch deity on a date?

3 months ago

Thanks! I've never written a humorous story before, but hopefully it'll turn out ok.

Where would you take an eldritch deity on a date?

3 months ago
If things are getting serious with Cthulhu he'd better take you back to meet his family in R'lyeh itself, and I can't think of any place more romantic than a muddy corpse city that is the tangible nightmare substance of the Earth's supreme terror.

Ithaqua seems like the outdoorsy type, you'd probably go hiking in the mountains instead of a traditional date, and later a vacation to a nice ski resort where he'd spend the entire time bitching about his exes and good for nothing kids, then kill and eat the other guests.

You say this is a joke game but I hope you do realize this NEEDS to happen now?

And I just like the sound of Squinder.

Where would you take an eldritch deity on a date?

3 months ago

I'm up to 10,000 words of pure eldritch lovin' so far. 

My sister actually came up with Squinder when I asked her for ideas. Of course, that came with the cost of her thinking I'm into tentacles now but that was a price I was willing to pay.

Where would you take an eldritch deity on a date?

3 months ago
Ah, excellent. I read 'joke game' as a pitch for one that didn't exist and thought you just got a little overeager and didn't want to wait for April 1st.

Where would you take an eldritch deity on a date?

3 months ago
I read through the Abraxas story in your profile by the way. It's pretty fun, I ended up killing the source and then getting dissected. Are there other major paths?

Where would you take an eldritch deity on a date?

3 months ago

Hey, thanks for giving it a go! There are a few slight variations, but that's pretty much it depending on the ending you get and not really worth replaying in my opinion. The ending that you got, where you kill the Child, is my personal favorite ending.