Love & Dating
, #29 for
played 2,901 times (finished 182)
"wandering through the desert"
"A nice jog down the driveway"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.
Part of Series
It's you and her against the world.
Entry for Endmasters Romance contest.
Interesting start and setup. Not a lot of information on the properties page. I usually view this initial page as the back flap of the book, so I try to put information there to entice the reader to read the story. That might help this one a little more in getting more reading and ratings, but if you’re going for a certain effect here, that’s fine too. Now on to the actual story!
The extra double spacing between paragraphs was somehow distracting here. I think that can be used for some effects in certain places, but between every paragraph actually made it hard to read. I like the start of the story, but feel like there’s something missing on this first page. I start to get a feel for the setting with the repetitive Jenga game, but then it never explains why. The story setup as a couple against the world, but they sound like and old, bored married couple. I’m also not a big fan of the single choice on the first page. It can make sense, like this one appears to do with a change of scene, but I’m not a fan of the “memory” page or process, either.
Minor type on “Memory:” “in tje parking lot.” That page also seems a bit light. Who is Ashley? It isn’t clear if I met her before that day or not. The setup for taking her with me was a little weak as well: I couldn’t turn down a nasally mucus-filled voice? And then back to the single link. I guess they work since they are shift changes, but I wonder if the first three pages could have actually been one page, or if that one page would have been too much text for many readers on this site.
I’m not sure I follow on the “Time” page. It appears to jump around a little – I am waiting, then I’m trying to get the radio to work, then I’m back to estimates before the bombs, then there’s a secondary invasion, or maybe there isn’t, I can’t tell. Then there’s a week before I can leave. I don’t know where I’m going, why I’m leaving, or why I’m waiting. Then there’s a two week thing going on. I’m just really confused on this page and don’t know what I should pick to go on. I like that there’s two choices at least!
“Leave after the week:” another minor type with “gaskmask.” Again, it feels like there’s a good story going on here, but as the reader, I’m just not sure I know what’s happening. We’re getting gas masks ready for something. I don’t know why. We’re getting guns ready for something, but I don’t know what. And apparently I can’t see very well, either. At least now I get a little more about our relationship with the ages, but then I’m back to a single choice.
The next page jumps back to the double-spacing between paragraphs. Is it supposed to be like that? I don’t understand why if it is. One more time there’s a single choice. I just think all these pages with single choices might all be put on one page. Further along in the story, there’s more story and I feel like the story is a good one, but I’m just not seeing much of it. It could use more details in various sections throughout the story and I’d like to see more choices, too. Not a bad story overall, but I’m not sure why this is in love and dating.
on 5/5/2018 11:34:51 AM with a score of 0
Ehh, maybe a little more romance would have helped.
So this story was interesting to say the very least, “lovers” in a post apocalyptic with numerous raiders and cannibals who will either loot your body or eat it.Not exactly the best setting for love, but hey it’s unique.
I feel like this was a long shot, considering the setting and all but you pulled the entertainment part off pretty well.It was just weird to see it in the love section, as while I only read one ending, it still had very little love in the atmosphere.
I state again, while I only read one ending, this stills means you have one ending without what this whole story is for, a contest entry for love and dating hosted by EndMaster Which very specifically focuses on love.
It was also a bit linear, as the only 1 choice meant you continued and 1 meant you probably died horribly, so linear, yeah I’ll put it that way.
Now I see what you were trying to go for here, putting your own twist in what would normally be, a easy to do average setting with an average plot with a tiny twist with maybe the character or how the story turns out.
So making this a bit darker was smart, since EndMaster specialises in the ‘Dark Arts’ or more commonly known as dark writing.Imma just call it ‘The Dark Arts.’ So anyways EndMaster as a ‘Dark Arts Wizard’ will probably enjoy the dark cannibalstic viscious unforgiving world that you have created.
I think you just need a bit more love.No not in the creepy way but just in your writing piece right here.All I really saw in the mall ending was that she lied that they were married or some odd stuff,(I feel like that’s important but I have no idea honestly) and I know they aren’t married due to this first or second page, maybe even third.So confusing.
Also since the age gap was about a 20 years difference it was hard to connect with the characters as lovers, maybe a bit more hardships would’ve helped?
Something that would bring them closer, him saving her, her saving him, second female saving him, second female saving her.Him having his little 2 pages or so to just talk to her, bring them closer, vice verse.You get the point.
Also a disclaimer:
As I Mistery have never made a game.My comments shouldn’t be taken to seriously as someone who has one or more games under their belt.I accept that I maybe can’t do as good as you did or many others writers have, so by reading this you accept to take the criticism that comes with making a storygame, whether it’s gosh darn entertaining!
Or doesn’t have enough of what’s its made for.
In a summary of what I just said, basically bring the characters a little bit closer with each other and that’s about it.
5/8 because that’s how I feel
P.S I’m just gonna say you have a chance to get an honorary position, maybe top 4 if EndMaster takes the other route that I didn’t.
on 3/12/2018 5:00:49 AM with a score of 0
There were minor grammar and spelling issues, but not enough to make the story hard to read in my opinion. It was a good story, I think it needed to be longer, but would make for a great start of a series. I liked the theme, and it was exciting, but there was very little character development. The romance also didn’t really develop. I got more of the “you are the only person here and I’m bored so let’s sleep together” vibe. The length might be contributing to this as well. If you took time to do a flashback to their lives before it would make the love story better. The main character does say he is happier in the bunker than he was before, but without context that is meaningless. As a hopeless romantic I feel like their relationship needs more development. It also would be cool to see more of the outside world once the main character recovers. I think all of this could be fixed with a prequel or sequel with flashbacks. Maybe like a dream about the main characters past marriage, so we get perspective on why he loves Ashley. Then he can wake up and they can continue the story, and figure out how to survive and get to know each other in the world you have created.
All in all it is a great start, but did not feel complete. If there was more I think it could be developed into an amazing love story. I would love to read more of your work, and if you come out with anything to elaborate on this story I would want to read that for sure.
on 8/26/2019 12:55:55 PM with a score of 0
on 3/4/2019 1:14:19 PM with a score of 0
This one was pretty sweet actually. It had a good story and great characters.
-- Civetta on 1/11/2019 4:31:09 PM with a score of 0
on 1/10/2019 11:11:31 AM with a score of 0
Pretty good but was expecting some romance of at least minimal degree. The spelling and grammar left a bit to be desired but that set aside, it was actually a decent story.
-- Laura Barfield on 4/27/2018 11:08:48 PM with a score of 0
This game is like Ground Zero but worse in every way.
on 4/23/2018 8:21:49 PM with a score of 0
That was great
on 4/4/2018 3:22:32 PM with a score of 0
on 3/20/2018 5:34:15 PM with a score of 0
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