Player Rating4.15/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 38 ratings since 02/25/2017
played 385 times (finished 45)

Story Difficulty2/8

"walk in the park"

Play Length5/8

"Not going to lose any sleep"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

You're drifting in limbo above the surface of a dead world decimated by decades of war. Will you regain enough hope to survive, or fall into oblivion? 

This is my first Storygame on here. Originally I wrote it for a different game engine before changing it and was part of a much bigger story, but I've cut it down into this. Just my first foray into Storygames. 

There are five endings: two bad, one neutral and two good. Kudos to you if you get Ending 4 on your first try.

Player Comments

This is a well-written first storygame. I love the mood of the story and the atmosphere. Your grammar was near-perfect.

I didn't entirely understand the purpose of the story; I felt it would work as a prologue to a greater piece. The endings were especially interesting because of the way you wrote it. I gaped in despair when I realized that that was the end! It was a cruel cliffhanger.

Despite the mental state at the beginning, the character wasn't psychologically developed throughout the story. I liked the way you wrote the story at first - it did give that "drifty" feel - but you didn't explore the protagonist's emotions and mental health much. He didn't seem to feel fear or adrenaline falling from the sky. That feeling didn't get through to me.

When you wrote the descriptions of the protagonist for when he/she felt, for example, weightless, or when it occurred as a "pulsing" feeling, it would do well to compare it with something. I can't relate to what the person is experiencing. Did he feel weightless, shoved by the wind like downy feathers? Did the sense pulse through him as if ripples travelled through his body, shaking his mind?

You could do well with more descriptions of setting. Throughout the entire story, I pictured either a black or foggy-white background. There wasn't color. It all felt like a dream. Dream! That's the perfect word. The emotions seemed dulled, the colors blurry, the action slow. Mind you, the atmosphere you created was awesome.

I couldn't really connect with the protagonist because he/she isn't characterized well in the story. He/she did this, he/she did that. It was all actions. I couldn't find any vulnerabilities or traits that brought out the uniqueness of the protagonist.

This storygame, if revised and possible added on to, could be an exciting, engrossing story. The writing was expressive in a way, but lacked in the communicative sense. The writing itself is beautiful. Nice job~
-- Crescentstar on 3/1/2017 10:23:53 PM with a score of 0
Alright, this was an interesting first work. You clearly have competent writing skills, though the story was a bit surrealist for my personal preference. I've got endings 1-4, and am not sure if there are more. You've done a nice job with offering options that loop back to the original decision node while still offering a feeling that something happened.
I'm not sure what the larger story is here, this felt like a fragment of a much larger work, and as such I'm not able to sink into your world building as much as I'd liked to.
Would I like to read more from you? Yes. However, I'd recommend you add more content, and perhaps more definitive outcomes, this felt like a whisper on the wind - it teased more but had little substance as it is.

Still, good first go, looking forward to more from you.
-- StrykerL on 2/25/2017 10:33:41 PM with a score of 0
Me likey! This was interesting, and sadly short. Mayhaps you could make a second "chapter"? Meaning, PLZ MAKE ANOTHER ONE OMG THIS WAS AMAZING!! Heh. Seriously, though, keep up the good work/amazing writing.
--A completely random person who happened across this masterpiece
-- Yo. on 3/4/2017 12:23:40 PM with a score of 0
Good stuff...

Yes, indeed, this was a nicely written story. No errors in grammar/spelling that I've spotted, and that's a good thing. However, plot seems to be a mere prelude to something far greater in scale...

I don't much like cliffhanger stories, because I feel I've been quite cheated on the content, but I'm willing to give this a chance. Everything seems surreal, e.g. falling on rocks with no damage at all, etc. *SPOILER* Is it discussing the character's struggle to rise from unconsciousness? *END SPOILER*

Overall, I hope you'll expand on this story, and if you do, make it a good one. This managed to not be the worst story I've read. 5/8.
-- AgentX on 3/4/2017 5:09:59 AM with a score of 0
Weird - but with potential
-- Galootius on 3/2/2017 1:06:04 PM with a score of 0
I am charmed by your writing style and the world you've begun creating. I don't think we need a lot of background, because it seems to be irrelevant to the story. Your story seems to thrive in that aspect of now where the past doesn't exist. I like how your branching story arcs lead back to specific endings almost as if you achieve endings based on the thought and emotion behind the decisions you made. Specific types of decisions lead to specific types of endings. I would have liked that to be fleshed out more because aside from one particular ending, none of them really felt earned.

Your writing was enough to get me in, but I think the story itself needed a bit more meat.
-- Tyrannosaurusrex on 3/1/2017 6:58:05 PM with a score of 0
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