Player Comments on New Kids, Old Kids, So Many Kids, in School!
“The sun peeks through the window and says “hello.””
This sentence would be much better formatted as this:
The sun’s rays peek through the window, as if saying hello.
This way, the sentence says that the rays of the sun are doing the action instead of the sun itself, and it replaces the dialogue for personification. You should only use dialogue if a character is trying to communicate either by voice or written words, or is thinking or speaking to themselves.
“You wake up to the sound of birds chirping on the window sill.”
Why are there birds on my window sill? Why didn’t they try to fly away as soon as I got up? Why am I okay with birds sitting on my window sill?
“You brush your teeth, change into your favorite clothes, eat some bacon and eggs, and go out the door to walk to school. Which way do you take to go to school?
More details about my home and room would’ve been appreciated. What are the colors of the walls and floor? How big is it? What does my furniture look like? What is my most treasured personal item? What do I use for entertainment? Questions like these can help build with world-building and character development (Example: you say that I have lots of sports items. That must mean I like sports.) The second sentence seems a bit redundant. You already established that my intent is to walk to school, so the sentence could be rewritten into this:
Which way do you go?
“A raccoon fishes through the garbage and you see a little girl who is a few years younger than you.”
Why is a little girl right behind my house, doing nothing but eating a banana? Is she homeless? If so, adding more details such as saying her clothes are dirty and/or tattered would make this situation more believable and add a character trait. What are her motives and her reason for being there? Asking questions about why your character is at a place or doing an action can help make them more believable.
“A boy, who is a little bit older than you, runs out of the house and tosses the girl's banana on the ground.”
You’ve only mentioned one house and that’s mine, so “the house” should be “a house”.
There’s not much else to specifically critique, so here’s a summary of what I think of the rest as well as the entire storygame:
I realize this is an educational game, but fleshing out the main character by giving them more personality by showing more interactions between the characters in the story (such as interacting with the parents that never show up or more interactions with the sibling) can help kids better sympathize with the character. It’s short, and only offers basic social situations. Expanding the length by starting at the basic, which is what you have right now, then expanding into more advanced forms of social situations that delve into gray areas rather than simple black & white “bad/good” scenarios would be appreciated. For example, a friend wants to play a mean-spirited prank on a bully, and he needs your help. This is advanced because several factors and consequences can play into deciding which one to choose. If you decline, your friend might get upset, damaging your friendship. If you decline, then your friend might do it by himself, endangering him to possibly confront the bully by themself. If you accept, then it’s possible that you endanger yourself to confront the bully. Some kids may not want to do the prank because they don’t want to cause trouble. Some kids may do the prank because they feel the bully deserves it, and many more opinions and reasoning may sprout up from this scenario. This becomes even more advanced if you interact with the friend earlier and get to know them and you interact with the bully and get to know them.
What you choose doesn’t seem to matter most of the time. Even something as little as Freddy being surprised that the character continues to sit with him after teasing him would be appreciated. I understand this is an educational game, but choices should have consequences beyond the immediate, a CYOA shouldn’t be disconnected scenarios that only serve to teach children lessons, the choices should mold and bend the story and engage the child.
The writing was mostly mechanically sound, but that shouldn’t be an achievement for something so short. However, the writing is dull and not very descriptive. The best way to teach a child anything is by making that learning entertaining, by engaging the child you should build up the world better. What does the school look like? What does the classroom look like? What does the lunchroom look like? Where are these rooms in relation to one another? What are more details about how characters look? Asking questions is one way to build up a world that will entertain a child.
on 1/16/2017 2:41:43 PM with a score of 0
Hmm.. It was a good story. A clear test of morals and a test on how well you can survive in the school environment.
At the same time, it was very basic and simple. Not a lot of effort has been put into this, there were only few options, only one option on multiple pages, which kind of takes the idea of it being an adventure game if you can't decide your own fate.
Perhaps add more detail and more decisions to make?
I'll give this story a 4.
on 9/29/2014 8:47:24 AM with a score of 0
I would recommend this storygame for goody-goody kids who happen to be under the age of 5. No offence, but children that young would probably not be able to use this site properly in any case.
I always feel that this site is not meant for games like this, and that this would fit in more in, say, a children's site about bullying and related topics. On the bright side, the grammar was good and there were discussion questions that could help troubled kids or kids with problems...then again, those kids would most likely not be on this site. 4/8.
on 7/2/2013 1:16:29 AM with a score of 0
very nice indeed, teaches us of how to treat your firends.
-- Ame Bai on 4/23/2020 8:29:21 PM with a score of 0
It develops a worthy lesson, but I don't think everyone cares about the teacher's parts.
on 10/16/2019 7:47:20 PM with a score of 0
This game is a choose your own boredom
-- Pink girl on 2/3/2019 10:28:00 AM with a score of 0
on 10/23/2018 8:30:22 AM with a score of 0
u cant really make ur own choices
-- hey_little_dudes on 7/17/2018 1:23:21 AM with a score of 0
Nice story! I liked the message.
on 5/3/2018 3:54:26 PM with a score of 0
What was up with the "pause to answer these questions with your teacher"? Are we all suddenly 2nd graders?
Oh wait, we are, as said in the description.
I believe this was made for school. If so, you should have just put this on sneak peek and played it yourself.
on 7/30/2017 4:47:30 AM with a score of 0
I did't like it because it was far to short
on 7/8/2017 6:53:44 PM with a score of 0
There seems to be no win in this game. I'm not sure if there's a way to lose. More story than storygame.
on 12/25/2016 2:52:30 PM with a score of 0
Why not to bully?
on 10/2/2016 9:16:42 PM with a score of 0
what is this why is this so short and what is up with dat stupid "ask ur teacher" sh_t??
-- ih8stupidppl on 9/8/2016 7:48:46 PM with a score of 0
so short wtf
-- caramelshrapnel on 9/6/2016 6:49:31 PM with a score of 0
What a horrible story.
1: Too short.
2: Ended very abruptly.
3: What the heck were these things of take the time to answer the questions with your teacher?
4: You were basically forced to stay with Freddy.
Make a better story, man. Seriously.
-- Deadly Lion on 6/12/2016 9:02:15 PM with a score of 0
This was...fun alittle short but alright.
on 5/27/2016 11:56:51 AM with a score of 0
This is great! I love the idea of using CYS in class! This would be exellent for an Elementary School class!!
on 4/27/2016 8:17:54 PM with a score of 0
Don't like it
on 4/22/2016 11:58:10 PM with a score of 0
-- Kendel on 4/15/2016 10:22:16 AM with a score of 0
I think the 'welcome, grade 2 students!' says it all. This game would be great for young children learning morals.
However, you don't find a lot of second graders on CYS.
on 1/10/2016 4:59:34 PM with a score of 0
-- missIluvminecraft on 12/26/2015 3:32:06 AM with a score of 0
Not fun, but good morals
-- Critic on 11/22/2015 12:55:28 AM with a score of 0
This game is okay. However, I doubt that most 2 graders would be on this website. Also, it could be longer. 5/8.
on 11/8/2015 3:30:03 PM with a score of 0
It was pretty good, and it had morals. It's okay.
on 8/24/2015 11:37:58 PM with a score of 0
This was an amazing story that is great for anyone who wants to teach someone about being a decent human, I don't care what others rate it, but it gets an 8/8 from me because I experienced similar situations while I was in grade school.
on 7/28/2015 3:38:00 PM with a score of 0
-- Tom on 5/19/2015 4:54:46 PM with a score of 0
Yeah... me and Freddy aren't staying friends :)
on 3/5/2015 9:49:53 PM with a score of 0
The story was alright, and I liked the concept. Though it was kind of quick and short, the grammar errors were kept at a minimal and overall it wasn't too bad, but not too interesting either.
on 12/11/2014 1:26:50 PM with a score of 0
Well, you have managed to solidify many of my negative views towards the education system. Thank you very much.
on 12/10/2014 9:02:23 PM with a score of 0
-- maiya on 11/27/2014 3:14:00 PM with a score of 0
... I feel like I was just in an after-school special.
on 10/12/2014 6:31:05 PM with a score of 0
It was well written and aimed at educating children about bullying. Not my kind of story but still by far the best thing I've read on this site all day.
-- Jordi P on 10/1/2014 12:51:36 PM with a score of 0
I don't like Freddy's freckles.
on 9/29/2014 11:01:39 PM with a score of 0
wreid like me i love it!!!
on 7/10/2014 3:44:56 PM with a score of 0
That was a sweet game!
on 7/8/2014 6:51:39 PM with a score of 0
I really enjoyed this story. A fellow teacher passed it on to me for my 4th grade reading group and it was just as erotic as she said, if not more so. The last one we had the kids read was 'The Diamond Club' by Patricia Harkins Bradley and it was quite popular. The one draw back was it's complex plot that might be more suited to the 6th or 7th crowd. However it didn't have the inventiveness of a chose your own adventure style story like this and we hadn't thought of going this route before. <> I will definitely be looking forward to more from this author.
on 1/15/2014 12:06:57 AM with a score of 0
you really taught me how to handle tough situations and get along with new people. I learned a lot about myself today. <>
-- curtislaraque on 1/14/2014 11:07:27 PM with a score of 0
As the recent victim of cyberbullying, I know what it feels like to not be accepted and loved. I was arrested for what was done to me, and that wasn't fair. I hope that kids can learn from this story and learn to be open and accepting of all people. <>
on 1/14/2014 11:00:22 PM with a score of 0
Hey, Mista! I remember going to school, but I think your school has alot more Rape Ape than my school. Please help me Debit Daddy! Anyway, this story deserves a prominent place in the halls or Pope Fiction. I'd write more, but I have to go out and buy Black Water now. Don't Die In a Fire!
-- karl on 1/14/2014 10:47:06 PM with a score of 0
I found this to be totally enlightening. It really took me on such a journey. I wish I would have ended up in The Diamond Club at the end. <>
on 1/14/2014 10:30:59 PM with a score of 0
This was a fun quiz. I never realized this is how I act at school. I'm always ending up being the guide for the new kids.
SORRY HAVE TO GO MY GRANDMA IS FULL ON HUMPING ME RIGHT NOW. :)
-- kAYLA ROBINSOOP[ on 8/15/2013 1:41:28 PM with a score of 0
this was a bad baby show i chose all the mean choices and it was made so that you have to be a nice kid
on 7/25/2013 10:46:09 AM with a score of 0
keep making stories like this
-- paterson on 7/8/2013 1:06:22 AM with a score of 0
How cute. There should be more endings, though.
on 6/4/2013 7:12:04 PM with a score of 0
i don't like how you have to forgive ken in order to win. He just beat your ass up and you supposed to be ok with it? I disagree with that one.
on 3/19/2013 4:00:22 PM with a score of 0
I'd like to share this with my younger sister. All about choosing to be a good kid. Sadly, there are more bullies around....
on 3/3/2013 5:46:00 PM with a score of 0
No offense, but that was a bit cheesy.
-- Amber on 3/2/2013 2:15:19 PM with a score of 0
I felt this story was a good story about kindness. This is a good story about making the right choices. I liked it.
-- Ella on 1/26/2013 2:03:28 PM with a score of 0
This story wasn't bad... But wow, this kid takes banana related abuse REALLY seriously... And how'd I get to Canada? :p
on 1/15/2013 5:04:33 PM with a score of 0
This brought up memories of the fat old hag who was a "recess monitor" at my elementary school, who would always bust a capillary when you wouldn't agree to "forgive" the guy who just gave you a black eye.
on 1/9/2013 3:55:06 PM with a score of 0
Market this and sell it to second grade teachers. You'll make a fortune. However on a site full of people much older than this, this has no place. Sorry.
on 1/5/2013 8:06:18 PM with a score of 0
It was okay.
on 12/25/2012 2:08:21 PM with a score of 0
Mechanical wise, it was ok. I don't think you needed the large spacings between paragraphs because it was kind of unnecessary. Also, I think for the audience you were targeting this game toward, that this was an ok game. I personally would not put a game like this on this site because most of the people here are much older than your target audience. Other than that, ok.
on 5/2/2012 10:56:07 AM with a score of 0
I suppose that it is a decent storygame, considering what its main purpose was.
on 4/15/2012 6:16:42 PM with a score of 0
I'm assuming this was made for a school excercise for 2nd-graders, and I suppose it would work well for that, but there's not really any reason to put it on this site, as I doubt any of the members are that age.
on 4/12/2012 8:32:43 AM with a score of 0
why are the kids such babies. They cry when they get in trouble. The whole thing was cheesy
on 4/11/2012 7:14:39 PM with a score of 0
on 4/11/2012 7:08:31 PM with a score of 0
The teacher told me that she gave me instructions to be Freddy's buddy, but that was never a part of the text. I feel cheated! At least the technical aspects were good.
on 4/11/2012 2:08:00 PM with a score of 0
Seems like it does what it set out to do well enough :)
on 4/11/2012 2:06:22 PM with a score of 0
Jeez is this cheesy or what. I'm assuming this is being aimed at children. It's well written, but not alot of fun. Certainly not realistic, (why would ken remain silent, he would lie more likely) . Still I guess it teaches kids right and wrong, not that they don't know that already. It was very short.
on 4/11/2012 12:53:03 PM with a score of 0