Paradise Violated

a Sci-Fi Adventure by EndMaster

Commended by EndMaster on 7/28/2019 5:30:57 AM

Player Rating6.27/8

"#48 overall, #6 for 2007"
based on 531 ratings since 12/02/2007
played 22,550 times (finished 709)

Story Difficulty6/8

"wandering through the desert"

Play Length6/8

"It'll be a while, better grab a Snickers®"

Maturity Level7/8

"anything goes"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.

Humanity never changes...

Additional Notes:

There are links leading to various background information and your character's current thoughts throughout the story. In some cases these may provide greater insight since some mysterious things can occur in this story.

There are also several endings varying in degrees of good/bad/neutral outcomes. Technically there is one ultimate "winning" ending, but it isn't labeled as such.

Player Comments

Paradise Violated by End Master was a home run in my opinion. I didn't give it a ten, because that is perfection, an nothing is perfect in life.
***Spoiler**
The story is reminiscent of one of my favorite films, Ghost of Mars featuring rapper Ice Cube. Ghost of Mars was made in the '90s and its premise was that of a colony on mars that locate and an ancient artifact that turns everyone into bloodthirsty zombie warriors. It was an instant cult classic complete with edgy music.
I read thru Paradise Violated several times to see several different version's and endings. I'm a typical female, so my favorite ending involved sex and death. I can't say that it was incredibly romantic, but it was certainly raw and pure animal lust and instinct.
The premise was that of a human general over his army scouting and unknown alien planet. His party captures a prisoner who has important information about the planet and a lost civilization. He is aided by his 2nd in command, an indoctrinator, and a sexy female alien that doesn't take any crap.
The locals are lizard people with base function intelligence. They are easily controlled and utilized to plunder for riches. However, they are maybe mentally slow but not necessarily docile.
The tale will take you to insanity; incompetence; a homeward bound journey in shame with a cover-up; and into a lover's eternal embrace. The spectrum of journeys was inviting and kept me going back to the beginning to try again.
In summary, it had sex, violence, and intrigue. In my opinion, key ingredients to make you want to turn the page and keep turning the page.
I intended to rate this as a 9. It may have gone thru wrong, but my intent was a 9. I considered 7 and 8, but I read thru it again and decided that nine was the best choice.
Thanks, End for a superb story yet again.
Oracle


-- oraclemache on 6/26/2019 11:02:08 AM with a score of 0
According to EndMaster's description of this story, "there is one ultimate 'winning' ending, but it isn't labeled as such."

I think I found that ending (along with a few other false endings along the way). And I'll admit the story ended with a bit more heart than I bargained for at the beginning.

The opening page of "Paradise Violated" had me thinking immediately of the movie Avatar, with an unsavory version of humanity occupying a jungle planet with a native population that is ambivalent about your presence. This story was published in 2007, and the movie came out late in 2009, so who knows? Maybe James Cameron is a lurker on CYS.

You are not immediately given much to do as the story opens, however; you, the reader, have to discover the spark that lights this story and sets the plot in motion several choices in. You'll probably deduce the correct path when you encounter the quick endings that educate you in the error of your ways and put you back on the proper path.

Basically, you need to interact with the other characters, and learn how to behave how the protagonist--a Captain serving in a brutal and materialistic Terran Empire--would behave. Acting as the moral human being you probably are in real life probably won't serve you too well on "Paradise." Instead, you need to be self-serving and ruthless; you need to see the other characters as resources who can serve you up to a point, but which should be eliminated after that point has been reached. And with the exception of just one of those secondary characters, sentimentality is not a factor worth considering--not if you want to succeed.

This is not a view of humanity in which I share, but it is nevertheless one that is productive fodder for storytelling. Therefore it was interesting as I stayed the course and the main character transformed into something unexpected.

Despite the introduction of a very talkative character introduced later in the story with a need to explain everything, I'm not sure I fully bought the transformation of the Captain from a soulless soldier to someone who might almost be mistaken for a mensch.

But this was a decent story, and hopefully a model to other would-be writers for how a story requires time for a plot to be developed.
-- Bill_Ingersoll on 6/13/2019 10:18:13 PM with a score of 0
This story in particular didn’t catch my attention at first, as I was bent on reading the featured stories first. However, I ended up reading it some time ago, and while it is not the best or longest stories from Endmaster, it is definitely good and worth reading.

Characters:
I’ll start with the characters as I find them the most important think in a narrative story. Due to this story being shorter the characters are naturally not as fleshed out as in other, more epic stories like Eternal. However, they are fully developed and I personally love the style that went into their creations. They are somewhat archetypical (the inefficient, by the book lieutenant, the crazy fanatic “for the empire” priest, the stern and experienced sergeant, etc), while also being real and believable characters for themselves. This is the way I usually write my characters (or try to anyway), so it has a special appeal to me.

The characters from other factions are also well done, although they aren’t as developed as the members of your own team, which is understandable as they appear less in the story. The unique differences between each faction, while also archetypical, do work and give the sense of plausibility.

Other than that, I have to say that Indoctrinator Salo is probably one of my favourite Endmaster’s characters, along with perhaps Mel or Uncle Ed. This is of course personal preference, but it only helped to my enjoyment of this story.

Plot:
The plot can be summarized as follows: The protagonist is a scout for a human empire much like Warhammer 40000’s that is sent to a jungle planet called Paradise to explore it and try to find anything useful for said empire. This seemingly open plot unfolds into two full branches, one that deals with madness and older civilizations, the main and most interesting one, and another, shorter and simpler, that is about securing supplies.

While the plot does work and is pretty interesting, especially the main branch, I find that the thing I liked best about it and the story in general were the feelings it gives at certain points. It is hard to explain, but from the rugged military type tired of everything and just wanting everyone to shut up to the encroaching madness and all of its possible outcomes, combined with the atmosphere provided by this dense jungle planet with a wide array of creatures, hostile and otherwise, create a unique feel, or rather, a set of different, unique feels, that can be encountered throughout most of the story.

The ending is good as well, but unfortunately it doesn’t have that feel of the rest of the story, although that is what happens in every story when things are explained, so it is not a problem nor a fault from the author.

Consequence:
I define this parameter as the effective use of in-story rules. In all good fantasy and science fiction works there are well defined rules to the world and its characters that are kept at all times to give a sense of plausibility. In this case, it would be the major factions and the way they are described, the local wildlife and the members of the protagonist’s team. Needless to say, this is done without flaw as with all of Endmaster’s stories.

Writing, vocabulary and technical details:
This story is written in the typical Endmaster writing, that is, sarcastic and witty, close to the reader and precise and rich in its wording. I did however found this one a little bit more jerky than usual for some reason, but this does not deter from the enjoyment of this story.

As for typos, there are a few misspellings and repeated grammatical structures, but they don’t stand out too much and don’t suppose a problem in understanding. The creative use of commas Endmaster has, while being grammatically incorrect in some places, keeps the flow of the action and actually looks and feels good regardless, which is good as well as weird for a Grammar Nazi like me.

Conclusions:
While as I said this is not the best of Endmaster’s work, it is definitely an enjoyable story with good characters, an interesting plot and, most of all, a very intense feeling in some parts, sometimes of paranoia, sometimes of claustrophobia, some times of being sick with life, etc. All in all, another superb story from this author.
-- Martin_Silenus on 8/21/2017 3:26:25 PM with a score of 0
Enlist now, they said. It'll be fun, they said. You'll make a difference for the empire they said.

See if you can make a difference in your empire without getting horribly murdered on an alien planet.
-- DerPrussen on 6/14/2019 11:26:40 AM with a score of 0
A big favorite of ours. The best sci-fi story on the site. Caerbog truly does provide
-- WWS on 6/12/2019 3:05:01 AM with a score of 0
I absolutely loved the gradual change to the protagonist, I think it was very efficient in causing empathy.
-- DarthRighty on 6/5/2019 10:52:43 PM with a score of 0
Paradise Violated isn't one of EndMaster's well-known stories or even best written, but this doesn't mean the quality is lacking. EndMaster has a true talent at building a believable cast of characters and a truly gripping world, whether that be the apocalyptic world of Ground Zero or The dark world of Enteral. Where there is also a massive authoritarian empire ready to genocide any enemies.

But back to the story, I played it originally when I first found it site and it quickly became one of my favorite Sci-Fi storygames on the site. Something about the world and characters really connected with me.
The soldier who believed in their empire then slowly began to discover it never truly cared for him or the billions of others who fight for it, The overzealous preacher who believes the empire shits gold and does no wrong, The lieutenant forced to squander his gifts at Administration and is instead put on the frontline as a result of his overbearing father, and more. All these characters are interesting and relatable, This helps bring a more personal investment into the story and the fates of these characters.

Something I found especially appealing about Paradice Violated is the race of the Xonts, the smalls pieces of information given out before the ruins were enough to spark an interest in their ancient empire.
Something I quite enjoyed about them was that their arrogance and paranoia were essentially their downfall which could be a metaphor for human behavior.
their attempt at gaining control of their rebellious slave races with a biological weapon to mind control them backfired and instead was the catalyst for their collapse, a bit ironic if you ask me.
Something I disliked was that some paths and endings felt rushed or not delved into deeply enough, but it does give the reader to make their own mind on what happens so maybe it is for the best.

Just to add, there were only a handful of typos I spotted and none of them really detracted from the story, so that is always a plus in my books.

Overall, It might not be the most notable story on the site, but you would be doing yourself an injustice by not reading it.
-- lordkarstark on 6/4/2019 5:28:32 PM with a score of 0
This was one of the best science fiction stories I’ve read on this site. Great job EndMaster!
-- C6H8O6 on 5/29/2019 2:58:18 PM with a score of 0
Some things seemed kind of sudden but it was still jam packed with lore and interesting concepts. Also this was the only story if yours I read that didn't contain some kind of rape... Or maybe I just didn't find it yet.
-- LoudbutSilent on 5/29/2019 9:33:19 AM with a score of 0
I mf cried 9 times
-- Peebis on 5/25/2019 12:28:51 PM with a score of 0
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