TechNOIR

Player Rating4.99/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 53 ratings since 06/20/2018
played 98 times (finished 7)

Story Difficulty3/8

"trek through the forest"

Play Length4/8

"A well spent lunch break"

Maturity Level6/8

"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.

Noir story in a cyberpunk dystopia. Four types of endings: deaths, bad endings, good endings, and one perfect ending. See if you can find them all, it shouldn't be too hard. Endings are tracked using the score variable: zero means death, one means bad, two means good, three means perfect.

Special thanks to:
Tim36D - For listening to me ramble on about the idea, making suggestions, and writing a few pages.
ISentinelPenguinI - For playtesting.

Finally, if you notice any bugs, please PM me and I'll get to work on them as soon as I can (though I do believe they've all been worked out, can never be too sure).

UPDATE 6/20/2018: Replaced the link for the music due to the video being pulled from YouTube.

Player Comments

The punctuation could use some cleaning up, but the writing really works, short as the story is overall. Like Chris' last game this kind of tosses you into an in progress plot, but the atmosphere carries it and you don't really need to know the details of your mission or your character's life story to carry it out.

This one does some neat things in addition to the usual. The suggested soundtrack was a nice touch, and I really liked the concept of the 'suspicion meter' item, although it could have been integrated more into some kind of actual puzzle.

All the choices seem realistic enough, although a couple of times (well, one in particular...) the character is revealed to be a REAL DICK almost out of nowhere.

Anyway, here's a few notes I took as I went along:


The city is a flurry of neon lights and smog, thick, dark smog that chokes the surroundings and gives out lung cancer like there's no tomorrow. // I would have used a semi-colon after 'neon lights and smog'. Or found a way to rephrase the second half into its own sentence. It's a bit repetetive and the first section is a much stronger opening just on its own.

This suave assassin guy can't brush past someone without actually shoving her like a klutz and making a scene?

Actually on my first playthrough the guy just blasted his way past the guards, accidentally killed several guards and got wounded himself, then limped out 'content with a job well done'. So maybe 'suave' was the wrong assumption to make.

From the information given on the front page I assumed getting friendly with club girls would be a needless distraction, it wasn't until the next one I realized I needed to get into a VIP area (although the character already knew this) and I was basically locked into a brute force run and gun path at that point.

Holy shit. Went back and tried killing the stripper and, holy shit. What the hell kind of character am I playing here. D:


***


And about the punctuation, now:


As I said, there were some punctuation issues. Primarily with dialogue. Actually, everything I spotted was in the dialogue. Chris, you shouldn't feel bad because this is common with new writers, but I think it's time we have The Talk.

"Looking for a good time big guy?" She asks, placing a cold hand on your chest.

In this instance it should be:
"Looking for a good time, big guy?" she asks, placing a cold hand on your chest.

The dialogue tag is lower cased, as it's still part of the same sentence. (Note also that a comma goes before a name or nick name such as 'big guy' whenever someone is being addressed, although that's unrelated here.)

She flips you off, yelling. "Fuck you! You fucking homo fleshbag!" // There should be a comma after 'yelling'. Again, all one sentence.

"Thanks for the help, sweetheart," you say, drawing her closer. // This is correct, good job.

The basic rule of thumb is that anything that can be a sentence on its own is treated like one. If you'd dropped the 'you say' and just had a standalone action like, 'You draw her closer.' for instance, the dialogue previous to it would end in a period. Otherwise, in any situation with a 'he/she/you say(s)/ask(s) or other stand-in, use the comma (or exclamation point or whatever) and the tag stays lower cased.

I'm not going to paste every line of dialogue with an error here but it would be worthwhile going through on another edit pass.


***

All in all this was a quick, fun read, and yes I know the thing everyone keeps pointing out is that they're short, but a story should be only as long as it needs to be and in this case the length was a good fit for the plot. The pacing was better here than in the last game anyhow as there weren't any issues like the discrepancy between the laboratory and apartment segments. You seem to have gotten your linking and scripting issues sorted ahead of time too, I assume with Tim's help. Anyway, good job on this and keep 'em coming.
-- mizal on 2/13/2018 8:48:20 PM with a score of 3
Let's get right into it.

This was definitely more game than story, and by virtue of that fact, it accomplished what a game like it should. So on the basest level I would say this game has close to no flaws, but the problem with this line of thinking ,however, is that just because a story has nearly no flaws; that doesn't mean it can't be improved upon. Normally in reviews I review the basic components of that story, and I'll pick them apart. All I'll be doing here, however, is suggesting improvements. You know, what the story could have been had you...etc. Basically I'll be explaining how this could be taken from a max 5/8 to a potential 8/8. Anyhow, I'll stop explaining how I'm going to do it and just do it.

Content: I think the world could really do with some fleshing out. I know it's a game without a ton of story, but fleshing out the world would make this loads more immersive. (Music set the mood pretty well by the way) More of a plot than just 'killing some guy in a club' would definitely take it up a notch or two. Setting could use some more fleshing out as well, but a little less, for the setting was already established pretty well.

Characters: We know next to nothing about all of the characters in this game. Again, it works because this is a very game oriented game, but showing us why we're assassins, or why our target needs to die would help. Without making the game too large, fleshing out the two of those characters would help the most. Adding more characters might be even better. Which brings me to my next point...

Difficulty: It was very easy. I got the worst and best endings within five minutes. It is simply so easy that I can't imagine many people spending more than 15 minutes on it. Increasing game length, branches, and difficulty would help a ton. Maybe have multiple missions? Or have puzzles to increase difficulty? Again, there are a ton of ways to do this. You need only choose the one most suited to you. (Didn't use either of the items at all)

All in all, it's a solid game. Could use some expansion, but was good for what it was. Well done.
-- EbonVasilis on 2/13/2018 3:25:43 PM with a score of 3
It was short, but there were lots of options, and holy crap am I a badass. The action was well-choreographed, with precisely as much description as there needed to be, and it flowed smoothly with the rest of the story. The worldbuilding was nice, and painted an interesting picture without going /too/ in-depth.

If I had one gripe, it's that the story wasn't quite as noir as it could've been. You could've fit more wordbuilding in in a poetic tone and nobody would have minded, because that's just how Noir flows. I can see you've kinda sorta been doing that at various points, but I don't think you've really been getting into the main character's head to share all those coarse, world-weary remarks with us that the archetypal Noir story would have.

It also would've been nice to have more buildup to the execution. A longer briefing, maybe introduce the person hiring us, that sort of thing. From an action standpoint, it was great, but it's the character development of the assassin as well as the poor sap he's about to shoot that makes a lot of assassin stories compelling. Say what you will about the Hitman series, it was never exactly pulitzer writing, but they were pretty good at making you want to kill certain people or question your choices afterward if they really wanted to.

Still, having room for improvement doesn't mean it wasn't freakin' sweet, and I'm glad to see you really putting in effort lately. Can't wait to see how things go from here.
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 2/13/2018 2:53:52 PM with a score of 3
hey. not bad. noot bad. it's great, got the perfect ending in my i think 3d try
-- ninja on 5/24/2018 7:34:43 PM with a score of 3
Way too short.
-- Victim on 3/19/2018 10:01:09 PM with a score of 3
It's not a terrible game, and it has some decent options, however, given the instinct lets you know how well you are doing, all you need to do is keep it green. Which isn't hard if you just choose the stealth option.
-- Shade17 on 3/1/2018 3:23:35 PM with a score of 3
Pretty Good, though it ended rather quickly. Will play again.
-- Maiq_The_Liar on 2/21/2018 1:27:25 PM with a score of 1
Overall, this was rather enjoyable. It was short, and the correct answers were a bit obvious unless you have an insatiable bloodlust, but the premise was very interesting and I felt very involved playing through the story. I would have liked to see a bit more background on the character, or at least known why I was supposed to be killing my target, but in general it was quite engaging.
-- Leora on 2/18/2018 6:49:41 PM with a score of 3
I rated this 6/8, but there is one problem I'm not sure of... WHAT IN THE WORLD OF KITTENS IS A ZOOMER!? Of that, I have no idea.

Good game, which is not linear. There are many ways to get to the endings, and four endings. Not to short, especially since this is the right length for your mission. Thing is, I'm not sure if I'm playing as a bad guy, or a good guy.

Spelling is nice, but that first sentence can be considered a run-on. Put a ';' in between 'smog' and 'thick', or end the sentence there and start another to say the rest.

Those items? No idea how you changed the description to show how you are doing. Didn't see an option to do that when I made my item. Very nice idea.

That alert thing is a great idea, makes it harder. But the one for the guard on the stairs doesn't make sense. You could step on a can at any time, why is it only when you kill the worker outside, or crash through the skylight?

A little punctuation error when the cyborg lady spoke; 'big guy' is a nickname she gave you, so there should be a comma before that.

You did a really good job, and the errors I pointed out were minor. Congratulations on making a pretty good storygame!
-- BunnyCatMouse99100 on 2/18/2018 12:17:04 AM with a score of 3
After reading this, I thought......Eh.
It's not 'bad', but i wouldn't classify it as good. i feel like your previous story with the superhero has kind of hurt you. Writing a story with a predetermined superhero as the protagonist negates the need for backstory. The same problem is present here. I can see kind of a description of what's going on, but who am I working for? What are the stakes? I'd like some more description.
It was also rather short. Other than that, it was pretty good. Not your best, but good. I think you can do better.
-- ultraoverlord on 2/14/2018 8:09:33 PM with a score of 3
Show All Comments