The Delaying Action

Player Rating3.88/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 42 ratings since 04/27/2016
played 44 times (finished 12)

Story Difficulty3/8

"trek through the forest"

Play Length3/8

"A nice jog down the driveway"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

If you have ever read Conn Iggulden's Conqueror series, this story was taken from 'Bones of the hills'. Whatever your choices are, you will die in the game, you can consider being successful as a win, if you are. There is an 'epilogue' if you are successful.

Player Comments

Definitely above average, in my opinion.
I think you definitely have a good plot here, and you also didn't do a bad job of fleshing it out. I had an easy time seeing a picture of what was happening as I read thanks to the quality amount of detail you wrote.

Sadly, there seemed to be only one actual path were you don't fail. This is because just about each page with choices had a failure link on it. Like Sszinid said, this makes the storygame very linear at some points.

More character development would have been really nice, because this story was kinda dull in that category. It sorta felt like you'd introduce a character, but not give them any personality. All the soldiers just felt sorta dull.

It was also rather short, but I enjoyed what I did read.

Good to kill a few minutes. 4/8
-- MinnieKing on 3/27/2017 2:10:57 PM
I like the concept. The writing was better than most new stories people churn out. I felt it did need more details about everything going on to fully bring me in, but still done fairly well. The one other major thing would be more choices as there was always a very clear dichotomy in the choices and most you could tell which was the correct one.
-- MythicBowman on 1/27/2014 2:16:17 PM
The story contains descriptions of good length and quality on each page; the problem is the length of the story itself. It contains only three choices, and all of them have only one correct and one incorrect option. This makes it very, very short and very, very linear. It's hard for the player to feel any sense of accomplishment because there's only one predetermined ending that's very easy to reach.

There are also no characters in this story. The player gets a name, and his second-in-command gets a name, but they never interact. Neither of them ever has any dialogue, and we have no idea what their relationship is. All of the soldiers who fight and die here are faceless and soulless. Are they afraid of these impossible odds? Eager to spill blood? Loyal to the Khan in spite of looming death? We never know much about them except that they fight and die.

My advice would be to expand this story, which is an excellent start but could go so much further. Give us a whole spectrum of choices and have them lead to a whole spectrum of different endings based on how well we did. In some, we might fail and die. Others, fail and escape. Others, succeed and die. Others, succeed and escape. Let the player feel like he or she has achieved something unique and self-determined.

And try to give the soldiers, especially the named ones, some personality.
-- Sszinid on 1/13/2014 10:42:26 AM
Good writing, could be longer. Another thing is that for every set of decisions there is only one that works. There should be more variety.
-- corgi213 on 11/9/2015 1:05:20 PM
I really liked it. It's a good story and youre a talented writer. My biggest problem though is the length. It's too short.
-- Penworth on 6/12/2015 12:23:23 AM
Good story well written but not many choices to make. It would have been better to have more options and explore the "what ifs" of these choices.
-- Jordi P on 10/3/2014 12:55:19 PM
It's a historical fan fiction.
-- Xt1000305 on 1/9/2014 9:26:46 AM
Fanfict or Historical?
-- Swiftstryker on 1/9/2014 1:51:17 AM
Personally, I haven't read that series, but the story was reasonably well-written, not as good as it could be, but definitely "getting there". My main problem with this game is that it was too linear. Each choice only had two results: you move on, or you die. Overall, this story isn't bad, but you should probably work out the bugs for your next game.
-- Allusional on 1/5/2014 11:57:25 AM
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