The Last Chieftain

a Fantasy by corgi213

Commended by TharaApples on 4/19/2021 5:47:37 PM

Player Rating6.20/8

"#148 overall, #15 for 2018"
based on 65 ratings since 09/22/2018
played 1,381 times (finished 71)

Story Difficulty4/8

"march in the swamp"

Play Length6/8

"It'll be a while, better grab a Snickers®"

Maturity Level7/8

"anything goes"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.

The land of Orcin, a place where all are free to live as they wish as long as they follow the laws of the council.  Years of relative peace had ensued, making sure the orcs would live as strong and as free as they had always been.

The Mannate Empire, destined to consume everything on the horizon, sets its sights on the homeland of the orcs.  Annexing one kingdom, one empire after the next, finally looks to orcin for resources, troops, and land to settle, as they prepare their dreaded march.

Nolazir, a simple orc, who lives off the land as he works his farm, unknowingly would be drawn into events to come.  He would come to shape the world around him, and the future of Orcin.  

Fight for honor, love, peace, and prosperity.  Lead with a cruel fist, or a warm heart.  Challenges and tribulations lay ahead for all. 

Will you save your homeland and return it from the brink?  Will you let the darkness within and without consume you?  What becomes of you and the world, is up to you.

The next edition will come out in a few months, filled with more varied events between time jumps including, politics, monsters, and more!  Also will be adding the rest of the real story and the side branches in as well.

Special Thanks

Where to begin exactly?  I'll start off with thanking Mizal, who helped me with some proof reading and structure at the start, and helping me figure out how to use variables.  Also for always being willing to help with my writing, grammar, and developing characters all these years, and generally being a wonderful presence on this site :)

I would like to thank MoreCowbell for consistently proofreading and giving me feedback on my story throughout this long process.  I appreciate all of your spell checking, helping keep the flow and pace, and general positivity and motivation during this whole project. 

I would like to thank 3iguy for taking an interest in my story and beta reading it for me.  As well as Ebon for his detailed and insightful responses to some of my threads early on.

I'd also like to thank Ogre, IAP for encouraging me and keeping me motivated during the hardest parts of the process (mostly the end point).

Also would like to thank EndMaster for letting me rip off his organization scheme for storygames.

I really couldn't have done this without you guys, and I owe a great part of finally finishing this to all of you and to CYS as a general whole.

I hope you all enjoy!

Player Comments

Beware ye landlubbers who would read this comment before the story. Spoilers be near. Let loose the anchor, away we sail!

Starts out with a strong opening. No boring build up, you are thrust directly into the chaos of war. It sets the tone exceptionally well, fits the title, and hooks the reader right away. Unlike what you might expect, the opening battle doesn’t seem to glorify war. It depicts the ugliness and suffering. There is a section on the first page that caught my attention as unfinished, which is not a great thing to have in a published game especially not on the first page. I included the whole paragraph for context. The last line looks like it’s missing something:

“Placing him down, you continue to trudge through the mud. Around you more have fallen, and will continue to fall. A dark purple blast of energy flies overhead, frying some unfortunate.”

The background history was introduced in an organic way. I tend to prefer background links on the first page, but I thought all the necessary history the reader needed to know was included in a non-overwhelming way. History links are nice because you can go into great detail without flooding the story, but the way the author kept it brief fit nicely into the story. Since the opening scene is a battle, the obvious question is “How did I get here?” and that was answered.

My first impression of the main character is that he’s not a typical dumb orc... at least when it comes to battle tactics. Actually belay that, mate. The MC’s unconventional approach to battle is reflective upon his critical thinking and problem solving. His knowledge is contrasted with the other orcs fighting alongside him. They are wanting to attack in an obvious, almost brainless manner, but the MC is someone who thinks ‘outside the box’. It’s not surprising by any means to have the hero of the story be smart (even if it’s an orc), but it’s worth mentioning. Plus, I like playing as intelligent MCs because im nt vry smrt in reel lyfe.

I did found it a bit confusing that the MC would approach the other group of elves in a friendly manner, although I could just be forgetting something because I let a few days go by before picking this up again. I was under the impression that the orcs were fighting all groups of elves. The first elf you meet, Valek, seems almost too friendly, but getting to know her that’s just her playful demeanor and her hard on for the MC. From the initial battle scene, I was expecting to fight the Velaneer without talking first (again, I could be forgetting something). Nothing wrong with the way things played out. It’s actually kind of refreshing to not read what you expect to happen from the established races of Orcs and Elves. The part where you flip off Valek after her thumbs up is pure gold. I think I shit my pants in a good way when she did it back. Elves don’t joke? My pirate ass, they don’t. Or should I say: arrrrrrse.

Definitely the biggest drawback is the lack of choices. It takes several pages before you are even faced with two links. Well maybe it’s only a couple pages in, but there isn’t another one for a while after that. Sorry if it’s bad taste to reference another storygame, but I’m going to do it anyway. After all, pirates don’t follow the rules. I felt like there way a lot more that could be added to the opening battle scene. The Lost Realm, for example, had a bunch of choices in the first battle and death would follow if you didn’t choose the right course of action. Not saying it needs to be exactly like it, but options would be nice. For example, when you choose not to attack the least defended spot... let us actually choose.

The story is well written, the grammar is fine, and it flows at a good pace. You know it’s a high quality piece when the main issue is lack of choices. It means we want more. Luckily for us readers, the author already knows that. I’m looking forward to the release of the next edition more than a yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
-- ninjapitka on 4/1/2019 12:39:19 PM with a score of 0
I enjoyed this story.

It isn't everyday that an author chooses to have an orc as a protagonist and I really appreciated that about this story. However, I feel like there wasn't much difference between the orcs and the elves besides the styles of their names. They spoke with the exact same speech patterns and were equally informal in how they spoke most of the time as well. I just never got a real sense of unique cultures from this story save for a few mentions here and there of the orcs' god and the First Born. During some of the calmer moments it would have been nice to see some deeper world building, descriptions of cultural things unique to the orcs in this story or some of their culural values coming out in more conversations for example. Perhaps even some sort of festival or religious ritual would have been nice to better flesh out their culture and beliefs.

I would have also liked to have seen more detailed physical descriptions in this story. More descriptive paragraphs about what is going on around the protagonist in certain scenes, longer, more detailed descriptions of other character's appearances, their expressions, etc. All that ever seemed to be described was very basic features of their appearances or I would get a small taste of the scenery that would end before painting the full picture for me.

You did a good job of writing about the war in general. The optional choices in tactics was a really nice touch, your description of how both sides evolve over time to continuously improve their weapons, armor, and tactics was realistic. The actions scenes are very good and have the best descriptions in the story, I really appreciated the attention to detail in them. The further I got into the story, the more attached I was to the protagonist and other characters. Seeing them over the course of years in the story was nice, I really enjoyed seeing them grow as characters.

There were stretches of the story where it was linear with no choices, though I understand that you plan to continue to add to the story over time so I'll assume that this won't be the case forever. The choices that were in the story felt like they carried weight, which is always a good thing.

Altogether I give it a 6/8, but I will most likely raise that to a 7/8 when there is more added to the story in the future.
-- simplesabley on 9/23/2018 9:39:49 AM with a score of 0
I loved the prologue very much great characters and a well-balanced level between character exposure and action. The combats are well-paced and described, what I miss is more exploration of the Political and NPCs dialogue and a more defined player personality.

Still, It is a wonderful story that I will read more paths I have missed and I am waiting for the update
-- poison_mara on 11/4/2019 5:37:54 AM with a score of 0
A long story with pretty limited options. It's well written, and has enough action and plot to keep you hooked.
-- DerPrussen on 2/5/2019 1:35:20 AM with a score of 0
Really great story. Decisions don't have as many consequences but that is fine.
-- Yandeleon on 1/15/2019 2:39:07 PM with a score of 0
This is something. Ended up with "Dawn of Peace" ending.
-- WritingStories on 10/18/2018 7:43:58 AM with a score of 0
This is a really fun game, I like how it takes a different look than the standard war loving orc, the peace loving elf, and the standard human. It might not have a lot of detail as far as choice branching but overall, a great game.
-- hugo23 on 9/26/2018 4:14:27 AM with a score of 0
Show All Comments