MrMainStream, The Reader
If you read my stuff, you'll learn how not too write.
bit of a thriller, wanted to try something outside of my writing style.
Recent PostsRewriting my story. on 1/7/2020 12:16:54 PM
You my friend are a national treasure, thank you so much for all this, I've already redid a lot of the beginning part and later I'm trying to have clydes character as very shy, and that is from the event when he was younger, and creating this complex where he in turn just talks to himself. But yes you're absolutely right about not directing the attention to things that aren't important, and the thing about the fish friends is I'm not nearly an advanced writer to try to form coherent sentences when it's just him talking for the specific characters. Which is why I hoped it would be an easier story to follow if you just had these characters in his head spelling to him.
Rewriting my story. on 1/6/2020 1:23:07 PM
Thank you so much! That had a lot of good points too it and I see what you guys are saying about the whole scenery descriptions I write, I've pretty much rewritten the whole first paragraph because I did see that it didn't make much sense for him to be this kid that is so experienced and mature and all of a sudden go back to his roots. So I've rewritten that section and tried to make it more cut and dry about what's going on since it's not usually good to leave the readers confused about what's going on, but also I'm attempting to inform the readers and also leave them guessing as to what could be the real reason behind certain actions since this is becoming a choose your own adventure story. Thanks again I'll go look over it with this in mind!
Rewriting my story. on 1/5/2020 9:47:48 PM
Yes of course!
Rewriting my story. on 1/5/2020 9:47:28 PM
Sweet thanks! I'll try to explain it more without word dumping the basics of what's going on.
Rewriting my story. on 1/5/2020 9:39:57 PM
Sweet I'll adjust it!
Rewriting my story. on 1/5/2020 8:54:23 PM
Perfect thanks, I wanted it to seem more like finally he was getting a chance to be a child again, but yes I think I should try to make it more subtle!
Rewriting my story. on 1/5/2020 8:33:06 PM
Hey everyone, hope you all had a lovely new years, recently I got some comments on a short story I posted that I couldn't be more thankful for, however it seems like one big underlying problem is making conversing interesting. So here's a little blurb from it, and I'm curious if these new conversations are actually interesting/funny or at least not boring plot helpers? I'm just curious because I've always had trouble with this and am trying to refine it, so if you have any time I'd love feedback! So here it is.
I walked along the grey pavement, even though I was only 11 years old, I had learned to grasp difficult concepts, considering how that's what I lived with. This deliberate feeling of anguish was from my inability to know what was best for me. All this at the age of eleven was rather difficult to deal with. The grey chipped sidewalk gave me a lingering feeling of nostalgia, I had walked through this neighbourhood before, although I didn't have a place to call my own, this developed into a habit of just traveling around, and before I knew it life was just sort of steering me around.
I had attempted to make friends with other kids my age but that usually was far too stressful for me, due to my abilities, I wasn't ever sure what I could make happen, and either way I felt like I was slightly more mentally mature.
Taking another step my foot phased into the ground and suddenly there was only dirt in my face as I was falling, heading deeper and deeper into the earth, phasing through the upper mantle, I started to breath really quickly.
What if I got stuck down here? I thought to myself as I fell faster and faster through the earth. I can usually influence anything to a degree with my abilities but I try to keep that to a minimum, as I stood now my powers had an unpredictability to them, which is what scared me most.
I had started to fall through magma so this must mean I was getting close to the center, unsure of how fast I was moving, I had been falling for at least an hour. I try not to let it fill my head but I believe I've affected peoples lives before with my abilities. There was a time when I was younger and I had started to cry, not bothering to hide it and I looked for someone to just talk to and be around.
I knocked on the door and no one ever answered my calls, with this overwhelmed feeling the building merely ended up disappearing, no sound, no place where it went, it had ceased to exist. I prayed for a long time that nobody was in that house.
Beginning to reach the end of my journey I was traveling through rock again, and eventually flew out of the ground feet first, causing me to come back down to the ground landing on my head. I looked around me seeing that I was on a beach, which I found was rather quiet, nobody around.
Perfect now what am I to do? Looking out to the ocean curiosity seeped into my body, I loved the ocean and all the mysteries it contained, a kid had once told me that his parents said that deep in the ocean it was a magical place.
Beginning to walk out into the ocean it felt odd, I had never really tried to swim before, but how hard could it be? Turns out not hard for me because I could just keep walking, I sank weirdly quickly and I wasn't sure if swimming was this hard for everyone or if it was just another inconvenience that I had.
I didn't need to breath so I could just kept walking as the water got darker and darker. Eventually the ground here was covered in a thick layer of sediment and ash, and I was able to see a little bit from the volcanic openings spewing out ash and heat, that also sent a warm glow across the darkened ocean floor. My pace was slow, but I don't know if you've ever tried walking in water, but it's not easy!
Taking a break I sat down, stirring up more of the dust, looking around I realized a squid and a fish had come over to check out what was causing the disturbance. I laughed at the thought of them talking to me, a rather ordinary looking fish came and nibbled at my clothes, these could be my new friends, so it seemed only polite to introduce myself.
"Hello, my name is Clyde, Who are you guys?" The fish currently near me produced glowing lights all around it's body which was a sight to behold, I imagined it with a spacey voice.
"If ya want man you can call me spark." He sort of dragged his words, but I laughed again at the silliness of this.
"Good to meet you spark, is that your friend over there?" I nodded to the squid which seemed sort of short, like a baby squid, and it had a thin layer of skin between every one of its tentacles.
"Ohhh bro that's Demaine, she's quite the character." He kept nibbling at bits of my shirt as I turned my attention to the squid.
"So you're the new kid on the block?" I gave her a sultry voice, as she bobbed around near me.
"I guess that's what it seems like, although is this really a block?" I giggled at my quick wittedness, the consuming darkness around me seemed so much less scary when I had these friends around me.
"No it's just a saying you silly child, if you want to stay I'd suggest talking to Gunter." Demaine bobbed in a direction that caused me to look at a starch white crab with fuzzy arms outstretched over a volcanic opening, I treaded over and sat next to him, the warm water flowing into my face.
"Excuse me, are you Gunter?" The crab didn't bother to move as he responded with an Australian accent.
"Howdy that's me why, why who's asking?" I couldn't contain my smile as I laid next to him looking deep into the crevice.
"I'm Clyde Green, Demaine said that I could talk to you about a place to stay." Spark was still nibbling on my back, and Demaine bobbed around in the background.
"The question is mate, do you want to be 'ere, hmm?" His question caught me off guard, but I have felt more happy than ever before, so maybe that kid was right, perhaps the ocean was magical.
"I feel pretty at home down here, so if I'm allowed then I'd love to stay with you all." Gunter eyed me up and down in my mind before responding.
"Well bud, welcome to the family, you can have the crevice over there you weird fishy." Nodding towards a lovely little nook in the floor that I crawled into, promptly falling asleep.
Stories on 12/31/2019 6:08:28 PM
Alright that's really good info thanks for all the help!
Stories on 12/31/2019 5:58:38 PM
Oh my goodness you're a genius, to get the feeling of making a choose your own adventure, I could turn some of the stuff I've written into it, so then I'm saving time for writing, and actually figuring out how all these diverging paths work! Thanks a lot.
Stories on 12/31/2019 5:38:01 PM
That's a fair point, but I have no idea where to start with actually getting to that point when it comes to publishing for libraries or making e books, but this site seems like a great place to hone a craft, so I'd like to see if I'm any good at actually writing. Since I've been writing for a long time, but never for people to read.