Broken In

This has potential, but it is really short (there are events but not the full narrative structure that would make it a story) and there are quite a few typos (one link says 'WinNotTook'). The dialogues are good, but try embedding them in a bit more prose to introduce the scenes and characters. At the moment the characters are hard to relate to because we are jumping between them and we don't know anything about them really. Some authors manage to create memorable characters without much description (e.g. Hills like white elephants), but then the characters need to have really strong voices to make it work. Anyway, it's a decent start but I think it would profit form a bit more work.

It is a cool story can you write more like this

I like my creation