Jolly

Figured I should come do a review, you being a fan and all that. Cherish my words and write them in blood on your wall or something

Overall: If you want to read a speech that may convince you to revolt against Santa, this is for you. Otherwise there is nothing here

Characters:
The MC is a man (elf?) of action, which is a personality trait.
Santa’s character is inconsistent. We get no explanation for how he goes from a jolly fellow working alongside the elves to being willing to order the deaths of each and every one.
3/8

SPAG: no. Well, okay, there seems to be SOME effort put toward this in the speeches.
3/8

Branching: There are branches, this is true. That should be worth at least something.
3/8

Plot: There’s not really a plot here at all, or at least a lot of it seems to be missing.
2/8

Bonuses: you write gud spechez +0.25

Total:. 3/8. I worry this may be stretching it quite a bit but I’ll be nice.

**other comments (aka SPOILERS)**
For future reference, always change the name of the first page.

I do like the way you tried to start this one, though the parenthetical phrase is clumsy to say the least.

“As well” is two words

I’d recommend working toward mastering different sentence structures and forms of punctuation to add flavor to your writing. Making everything a separate sentence works, but there are better methods. (This doesn’t apply to the speech page as much, you use these well in most of the cases there.)

Obviously a lot of expanding is needed for this first page. Describe to me the behavior of the crowd instead of telling me they’re behind me all the way. Give me some background on what’s really going on here. Fucking run your shit through grammarly. (:

this is quite the speech.

I am deeply surprised you know what an en dash is.

Third paragraph on “Peaceful”. Forgot the “l” in “tunnel”
No, actually, it looks like you just accidentally stuck that L on the end of “activities” in the same paragraph

You start a lot of sentences with “you”. This is an easy trap to fall into, but it’s also easy to catch and fix with a little proofreading.

Third paragraph on “Peaceful”, last sentence. I think you mean “ornaments” lol.

This speech is actually pretty well-written, ngl.

>”His laugh rang out among the workbenches, his hands smeared with paint and glue.”
This makes it sound like his hands were doing the smearing, not te ones who were smeared.

Austerity measures usually refer to governments and not companies, but ok.

Quotation marks within a quote should be ‘ instead of “

Yeah, “a few months later” doesn’t cut it

So Santa just kills all the elves? This is somehow a good business venture? I know you were trying to add hilarity but I think this attempt falls flat.

Oh, there’s another speech. There’s a lot of speech making here/

>“Tyranny cannot be reasoned with. Tyranny must be overthrown.”
This quote actually goes pretty hard

You display a knowledge of how speeches should be made. There’s just… there’s nothing else to the story.

Oh, the suicide bomber is ME? I was thinking I would be sending some other poor elf to their death.

ok then

I really liked the concept of this storygame. The elves revolting against Santa is actually a pretty unique premise that fits in really well with the rebellion theme...and I liked the idea of the elves getting things like dental taken away, which made it feel a little more linked with the real world.

This storygame definitely could have stood to be longer and could have delved more into the world. Both of the speeches given during the first choice had potential...but they went on for far too long and to be honest, I found the speeches boring rather than rousing. I would suggest expanding more on the world and showing the problems the elves have been facing, rather than having them talked about in overlong speeches.

The endings were a bit more violent than I was expecting and it was nice to see that you didn't hold anything back. However, even the 'good' ending (where Santa ends up killed) just...ends. I would have liked to see the aftermath of the ending where Santa is killed.

There was potential here, but I would have really liked to see the world and plot explored and expanded upon. Thank you for sharing, though!

The only time I’ve ever commented on one of your storygames was in telling you to kill yourself, so here is the review I felt morally obligated to write.

I will admit I laughed at the opening paragraph, but it does have some pitfalls.

For one, you do a good deal of showing rather than telling. Take this for instance, “you see fellow outraged faces”. There was an opportunity to characterize the other elves with dialogue and flesh out different opinions, rather than simply say they all agreed with the protagonist. Having some elves disagree, or agree and express their own reasons for doing so, would’ve made for a more engaging cast of characters.

The plot was not random and the branching existed, I suppose.

The way you write violence isn’t very engaging. It ended up clinical and detached, without any elaboration, struggle, or attached emotions. Here’s an exert from the domination ending.

“You then stab him in the stomach and rip his intestine out, watching them fly all over the room. You laugh and walk over to the window overlooking the fortress, watching the chaos ensue. It's absolutely gorgeous. First the North Pole, now the world. “

There’s very little description of the gore despite the vividness of Santa being disemboweled. There’s also no elaboration on the events occurring outside of the fortress, and very minimal reaction to achieving the goal of murdering Santa.

Here’s a rewritten portion where the gore is expanded upon and the character has a reaction. Still not great, but an improvement nevertheless.

“You stab him in the stomach, intestines spilling from the gash like pink snakes. You grab, pull, warm blood overflowing from between your fingertips, viscera splattering your surroundings and dribbling onto the floor. It draws a laugh from you as he lays there, twitching out the remainder of his life, justice for the suffering you have endured under his command.”

The speeches didn’t line up with the rest of the text to me. They were quite elaborate whereas the description was rather sparse in the rest of the story, and didn’t have nearly as many SPAG errors. The way they were phrased reminded me of AI, but I’ve already taken action about that so it’s not too important to my comment.

You have an issue with not using enough paragraph breaks. It was the same in Chilling in the Park. If a page has one large paragraph on it, split it into smaller chunks to be more palatable to the reader.

I was planning to tell you to an hero yourself again at the end of this review, but I found the first page to be of mild amusement, so you get a pass for now. 2/8.

A tale about corporate slavery and Christmas, and the inevitable revolt.

The speech is quite long, probably too long, really, and not a whole lot happens here. There's a wage decrease, a speech, and then a brief siege.

I did enjoy eviscerating Saint Nick with a sharpened candy-cane, but one thing I'd change with the "Suicide bombing" ending: have an elf actually suicide bomb something while screaming "Allahu akbar." Seems it would have fit in nicely.

Anyway, cool idea.

Cast of Characters:
The Protagonist (You) - There isn’t much in terms of development here. You have the initial motivation to rebel against Santa Claus, but nothing beyond that.
Santa Claus - Jolly Ol’ Saint Nicolas (the author chose the Greek spelling of the name) has become a tyrannical overlord instead of a benevolent boss. There isn’t anything to explain this change in his character beyond the vague idea of market forces motivating a change in atmosphere.
The Elves - It’s a crowd that is completely passive and compliant to the player’s will.
The Enforcers - It’s just a simplistic antagonist force subservient to the main villain. They show up in one route as a threat but they aren’t really present otherwise.
3/8

Structure and Plot:
There are three endings that don’t take a long time to get to: two failure routes and one success route. It’s a very short storygame. The success ending requiring quick, brash action seems to encourage the player to get into the spirit of chaotic revolution. Seeking to do things through a union or some sort of strategy lead to failure.
2/8

Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar:
There are some errors throughout that are easy fixes. The format is still able to be followed even with these mistakes. Sections are broken up into well paced paragraphs for the two speeches the player can deliver.
4/8

Game Mechanics:
It’s a straightforward storygame with some small branches. The reader won’t be confused, beyond realizing that they could be killed by their own strategy in a route involving submarines.
3/8

Summary:
There’s credit to be given for submitting a storygame online in time for a contest, but this is still way too short. The entry does follow the spirit of the competition, but without much in terms of content it can’t be enjoyed for very long. The idea of tiny elves murdering Santa Claus out of bottled-up rage is still pretty funny. I just wish there was more here. There’s potential for this idea to get more development in the future, and I’d read it again if the author takes the time to work on it more.
Final Score: 3/8

Very short but with a couple decent speeches. Scattered SPAG issues or obviously wrong word choices. Fun concept minimally produced. This one might be worth expanding after the contest, however.

Okay, Bezro, this story is, like, the worst fucking thing I’ve ever read. But also... it is you. I can’t even. Let’s start with the speeches—literally just filler, like you were padding the word count because the actual story is, like, non-existent.

And the endings? There are three, and they’re all fucking trash fires. First, the Union ending. You could have done something cool, but nooo, you had to go full edgy and kill off the main character for shock value. Like, you could have at least tried to show the negotiations or make it even slightly interesting? Nope, just snowmen pulling some action movie stunt. I mean, yeah, it was funny in a wtf way, but also, sooo fucking lazy.

Next up, the Suicide Bomber ending. Ice floats, bro. Like, that’s basic fucking science. You couldn’t even try to make the deaths make sense?

And then there’s the last one, whatever the fuck it was called. You really leaned into the wannabe edgy writer vibe. The gore descriptions were so bad I almost felt secondhand embarrassment, and then you ended it like every cliché assassin game ever, up high in the boss room, watching the chaos like some broody-ass edgelord.

Oh, and the pacing? It’s a total fucking disaster. Jumped around so much I felt like I was at a trampoline park. Overall, maybe kill yourself.

I gave it a 6 by the way

This was really creative, and I thought the writing in particular was really well done! As an entry for Corgi's contest, I really enjoyed the idea of the elves rebelling against Santa for unfair treatment.

I think the best writing was in the Union path, I was seriously impressed by the eloquence of the MC as he convinces everyone to adopt a non-violent strategy.

I liked the endings: suicide bomber, world domination, and the union one where you get shot by the snowmen.

You're a really imaginative writer and I'd love to see more, that's the only drawback I can think of. I think there were also some issues with grammar, but there were only one or 2 occurences, because most of it was really well written.

The main point I'd like to make was there was definetly a sense that the endings were rushed because the longer pages were seriously great. But I really liked this story overall.