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Need; a poem by Asher Childress

5 years ago

Need

When I first saw you

I saw perfection

 

When I got to know you

I saw pain

 

When I started loving you

I saw strength

 

Now...

All that I see... is what means everything to me.

 

What I have always seen

Is the strength to go on

 

What I have always seen

is the courage to do anything

 

What I have always seen

Is the love toward everyone

 

What I see now

Is everything I need.

Need; a poem by Asher Childress

5 years ago

Beautiful

Need; a poem by Asher Childress

5 years ago

Thank you!laugh

Need; a poem by Asher Childress

5 years ago
Commended by mizal on 1/19/2019 10:02:59 AM

I can't really critique this much, there's no rhyme scheme to analyse and the subject is very personal so I will keep my comments to a minimum.

The fact that this doesn't have rhymes doesn't mean that it doesn't have a structure of course. There are all the "When I" and "I saw" anaphors in the first couplets and the "What I have always seen" (an entire line) and "Is the" anaphors in the second half; there's also the "you" epiphora in the first half. In fact, you ended up using a symploche in the first couplets: "When I... you."

As I also mentioned, the poem is clearly divided in two halves; three couplets, "Now/I see/is everything" couplet, three couplets, "I see/now/Is everything" couplet. With this in mind, the first of the two poem-dividing couplets doesn't convince me that much. The ellipses seem unnecessary and the "Now", if you wanted to create a symmetry with the ending couplet, should go inside the couplet, not on a different line. Having it alone on a separate line does create more emphasis, I'll give you that, but then why not do the same with the final couplet? There's also the fact that that's the only case in which the "Is" phrase is on the same line instead of starting a new one. What you could have done is "Now/ All that I see/ Is what means everything to me", this way you keep your emphatic "now" separate but you dump the ellipses and start a new line with "is", keeping the general structure. As for the final couplet, you could have then similarly divided it into "Now/ What I see/ Is everything I need". This is of course just my personal preference and opinion, you didn't make any actual objective error so you should ignore it if it isn't what you wanted for your poem.

As for the subject of the poem itself, well I can't say much, it's a personal feeling. I thought the "Now" signalled a change of opinion (e.g. the narrator didn't love their SO anymore) but instead it just gradually magnified the sentiment. It's a confirmation of one's love over and over; it reminded me of a marriage vow tbf.

Well this is it, it's filled with personal preferences and suggestions instead of being a correct objective review, but it's difficult to do that with poetry, and with this poem in particular.

Edit: this turned out longer than expected, lol.

Need; a poem by Asher Childress

5 years ago

I like that you put your own preference into this. I kind of wanted to have a few personal recommendations about it since I might write poems some in the future for a hobby. 

When you said ¨Having it alone on a separate line does create more emphasis, I'll give you that, but then why not do the same with the final couplet?¨ I didn't really understand what you meant there. could you elaborate? 

Thank you for the comment, it'll surely help with my future writing.

Need; a poem by Asher Childress

5 years ago

I meant that given that you wanted to put "Now" on a separate line the first time, you could have put it in on a separate line the second time, too, to respect the symmetry.

E.g. (as I mentioned) "Now/ All that I see/Is what means everything to me" for the first one and "Now/ What I see/ Is everything I need" for the second one (or "What I see/ Now/ Is everything I need").

Need; a poem by Asher Childress

5 years ago

I absolutely love it, but... For some reason, I can't shift the image in my head of the author presenting this poem to the love of his life, and then being brutally friend-zoned. cheeky

Need; a poem by Asher Childress

5 years ago

Thanks. I did give this poem to a girl that I loved with all my heart; though I didn't get friend zoned!cheeky

Need; a poem by Asher Childress

5 years ago

Hurray! ^_^

Need; a poem by Asher Childress

5 years ago

Looks good. I liked the fact that you kept the word count of each successive couplet the same along with using repetition for each of the first lines. Makes it sound more harmonious in nature, (which I think plays a little more importance for a confession); if you could’ve used the same word for both the lines though, or at least use rhyming words for the endings it could give an even more harmonious feeling, but that could just be my personal preference. Also, to give the ellipses a little more meaning you could’ve put “Now...” “All that I see...” “Is everything that means to me...” at different lines, and also add the ellipse for the last line, that kind of signals that the first half of the poem is over and now the second part is starting. Though two commas and a full stop at the third one could equally convey the same meaning too. Speaking of punctuation, you could’ve made your couplets as having a comma first and then a full stop at the second line. Punctuations do hold quite a bit of importance in poetry too, so make sure to use them when necessary. “Is the love toward everyone”, the toward word sounds a bit akward but it could just be me. 

Now coming to the aim of the poem. As undr said, it seemed more like a marriage vow, and the same subject was repeated again and again in different ways. Now, this isn’t a bad thing but it gives the overall poem a very “bland” feel. You could “‘spice up” the poem by adding a few metaphors, or by trying and creating an antithesis in the same line to attract the reader’s (and the listener’s) attention. A problem with only using rhyming couplets is that adding uniqueness is a challenge, namely because you just have so little amount of words to convey such a big meaning; but hey if you’re talented and able to do it then the poem would be on a whole other level. Also, when using metaphors, avoid clichés and try to make your own. The entire point of making your poem unique is practically back fired, if clichés are used. As a “confessional poem” there potentially is a lot of scope (I think) in trying and creating stuff. Kind of like 

“Like the drowning of the sun,

The golden hue of the azure,

You, are my only one,

The person that I wish for.”

Here the sun setting in the sky, is portrayed to be wanting to become a part of the sky( by drowning in it) which gives out a ‘golden light’ signifying happiness; which is being compared to how you want to become a part of your SO and be happy. Also notice how that single comma after ‘you’ makes you pause a bit while reading the poem thus adding more emphasis. Punctuations are a very useful tool.

Stuff like this could make your couplets more unique. Though as I mentioned, with the limited word count it’s a challenge.