Everybody gather round! Come hear the absolute greatest short story of all time, ever!!! ^_^
Unfortunately, I cannot take credit for this masterpiece. It was written by my genius and adorable nephew Elijah. (He is 8 years old and slightly autistic.)
Please keep in mind when reading, that this is a very, very serious story, not funny at all, and you mustn't laugh. (If you laugh then Elijah will be very, very cross with you!)
So, without futher ado, I give you...
The Odd Lonely Sock
Chapter One – How it All Started
There was an odd, lonely sock who lived in the bin. He thought that no one liked him anymore because he had a hole in him and some scratch marks with a funny story behind them. We’d better start at the beginning.
One day, when he was minding his own business, the sock was stolen by a robber with one sock. The robber was caught by a police officer who confiscated the sock. A cat climbed onto the police officer’s shoulder, but he didn’t like the sock. The officer said, “bad cat!” What do you think the cat did?
The police officer gave the sock back to his owner. Then the owner’s dog bit the sock because it smelt of cat. It made a hole in the sock. Then the owner put the sock in the bin and said, “bad dog!”
Now the sock lived in the bin, but what would happen next?
The owner was a child who really liked the sock. He cried when he put the sock in the bin. Then his girlfriend came and tried to cheer him up. She said, “it’s ok. Now you can play my Lego game.” Then she said, “I think my Lego game will cheer you up. That’s what it’s meant for.”
The sock is still crying.
What do you think he’s doing? Maybe he’s bumping into things and crying a lot.
Chapter Two – What Happens When We Empty the Bin?
It was rubbish day. The child said to his parents, “Don’t empty the bin into the wheelie bin outside. I like to look at my old sock, even if it is all scratched up and full of holes and in the bin.”
The parents said, “I’m afraid we have to.” Then they emptied the bin. The bin men came and emptied the wheelie bin into their truck. The truck crushed all the rubbish, but the sad, lonely sock managed to roll out.
The sock was lying on the road. He was nearly run over by a car, and escaped being squished, unlike those poor seagulls that were near him. What do you think happened to the seagulls?
He looked at the flat markings, then a seagull carried him to eat him and dropped him into one of his or her babies’ mouths. Luckily the sock escaped the nest. Then a dog came but the owner said, “Stop! I know you like to chew on socks but stop!”
The sock thought he had finally found a friend.
Chapter Three – First Thoughts Can be Incorrect
The man said, “Don’t worry, it’s a ripped sock. You can have it.” The dog grabbed the sock in its mouth. The sock cried and its snot went in the dog’s mouth. The dog threw away the sock in disgust and tried to spit out the bogie.
The sock went flying. He thought the world was spinning around. Why do you think the sock thought that?
Then he landed, plop, in a cat’s milk. He didn’t know where he was or that the cat was angry with him for landing in its milk. The cat seized the sock in fury and spun it round so fast that the sock thought there were ten cats, not just one and ten worlds too! The sock went flying off again and landed, splash, in a lake.
Luckily for the sock, a person who likes to fix socks came by. He saw the sock floating in the lake and decided to take him home. What do you think he’s going to do to him?
Chapter Four – A New Home
The guy who liked to fix socks found him. It just so happened that he had a girlfriend who also liked to fix socks. It was their job. Whenever they saw an old sock they would fight over it like vultures over a carcass. They did love each other very much, but they each wanted to be the one who paid for the wedding when they got married. They had a factory where they fixed old socks and made a matching sock to go with them, then they sold them for £10 each. Their socks were the best socks ever made and even kings looked at the best ones wantingly, but they needed to save up £10,000 to buy them. These ones were dug up from the ground. They had belonged to another king who always had the best of everything. They were 50,000 years old. They were the best looking socks in the world and first socks to become Christians, and they prayed every day to be super comfortable, which is probably why they are the most comfortable socks in the world.
The sad old sock met the super comfortable socks and then one of the super comfortable socks said, “Hello, good morning. In my every prayer I pray that we will be bought.” Then the king finally bought the Christian socks. Then the odd, lonely sock was fixed and had a new twin made for him. He was no longer odd or lonely, but he was still sad because he had been bitten by a crocodile in the river and the one thing that the sock factory couldn’t fix was crocodile bites and shark bites.
Then he realised that the hole was so deep he must have actually been bitten by a shark. He thought nobody would want to buy him because he still had a big hole in him from the shark bite. Then a woman bought him, and her name was Rachel. She lived in a house where Nanny Cats came sometimes. Nanny Cats fixed the sock! Then he was put in a draw with loads of new friends. He might have still been a bit frayed round the edges, but he was still happy because he had loads of blue boy sock friends and loads of pink girl sock friends.
Oh, Rachel is my sister and Nanny Cats is my mum. Elijah wanted Nanny Cats to be the heroine because she is his favourite person in the whole world. ^_^
The owner has the Lego Game now.
I've never read a more solemn and sordid tale in my life. The fact that you even have to forewarn people not to smile or laugh at this is really a depressing sign at how 'ironic' and decayed our culture has become.