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My Story Progress
3 months ago
Thought I'd post a sneak peek into part of a prologue I've been working on. Some critiques, grammer/puncuation checks, and such are much appreciated!
11:58pm. You finally go into your family bathroom. You came early because you have to go number 1, but you know why you’re here in the first place. You’ve come to a decision.
You finish going to the washroom and wash your hands. When you finish, you try and go to sleep on the floor. After a few minutes of chopping wood to make a catapult, you still don’t see Yimdo anywhere in your dreams. You wake up staring at the bathroom door.
“Why the fuck did I think this was a good idea?” You asked yourself, as you stand up on your feet.
“I wondered that too,” Yimdo answers from behind you, “I would’ve expected you to lean against the door.”
You turn around in shock. Yimdo is alive? How is this fucking possible?
“What the fuck?? You weren’t a dream??” You cry loudly.
“Keep it down,” Yimdo whispers.
It then claps its arms together, creating a ripple effect traveling at light speed. When it hits you, you stumble back against the door and fall to the ground.
“Okay, now you can yell again.”
“OKAY…” you shout, “What in the ever-loving fuck was that bullshit??”
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Yimdo answers, “I just basically stopped the movements of planets, halted supernovas, and paused the feedings of millions of blackholes in your universe”
“I mean I stopped time,” Yimdo rephrases, rolling its head around, “I forgot humans still believe that time is still a thing.”
“Oh, I knew that,” you state, “How else does one explain why there’s something called time zones that apparently gives us an element of ‘direction’ and ‘conceptualization’ when in reality if an asteroid hits the earth right now it can’t happen today in the US and tomorrow in China”
“Did Grim tell you this?” Yimdo asks.
“No, my dad did,” you answer, “Not everything I learn in the world comes from Grim, but what do you mean by-”
“Well that’s a relief,” Yimdo exclaims, “Anyway, here’s what I want you to think about.”
Yimdo swirls their right arm around in a perfect circle. As it circles around, it seems to be charging up, turning the arm a light shade of grey. After a few minutes, it slams the arm onto the floor, detaching itself from Yimdo, and then expanding into what appears to be a portal. It expands itself until it fills the diameter of the bathroom. You watch in awe as it is the most magical thing you have every seen in your life.
“I’m so… fucking… confused…” You stutter.
“Well let me give you the rundown,” Yimdo announces, “For 11 and a half years, you have been sulking away in your world like a sack of potatoes and don’t really have any sort of direction nor do you desire to have one. You’re a lazy piece of shit that seems to not want to contribute to your own life, thus the reason why you are the way you are roughly. Harsh wording, I know, but to be completely honest with you, there’s no other way I can say this calmly. I’ve comforted you through the hard times during your school years, your family gatherings and talks, your everyday social interactions, and your run-ins with Grim. Grim has always tried giving you excuses as to why you feel the way you feel, but I’ve been here to give you pointers to help guide you to be better next time you talk to other people but you don’t seem to listen to much of what I say. So, I’m giving you one final choice before we depart forever. Behind this portal is a whole other world. Behind this portal is change. Behind this portal is a lesson to be learned first-hand that you could never learn here on Earth. Normally I don’t like breaking the fabrics of the universe to teach people to better their lives because it’s much easier to learn on your own rather than people tell you what to do, but you leave me no choice. I don’t LIKE telling you what to do, but at the end of it all, you don’t really do anything with the talks that we have. So instead of talking, I would like to show you what I’m talking about. I want you to experience the lessons I want to talk about. Grim may think I’m pulling strings or have some secret benefit as to why I’m doing this but that’s not the case. My ‘job’ is to help people like you. People who have suffered either traumatic losses, gone through scarring abuse of varying degrees, or in your case trying to navigate through your Asperger’s and Depression so you can be a better person tomorrow! Unlike a therapist, I don’t want to be paid for my services, I don’t want to be recognized as a saviour, I don’t want any fame or glory from you… I want nothing! I’m here because I care, and if you cared about our relationship, I suggest you walk through the portal. If you do, we can continue our relationship in this new world. But you must try and work with me. If you think this is too much and would rather stick to your ‘routine’, then I suggest you walk out of the bathroom right now. I’ll resume the natural universe occurrences and leave you here because you clearly know better than me. I hope you make up your mind quickly, because I don’t have all night for you to think about it!”
You stare at Yimdo like he just gave you physical evidence that God is real, but at the same time you question literally everything about everything in your life, including everything Yimdo just said. There’s clearly no asking for clarification here, so you ultimately need to make a choice. Walk out of the bathroom, solidify your friendship with Grim because you see their vision of you, believe you can get through whatever you’re going through on your own, but loose one of your closest friends in your life, or walk through the portal, go through hell and back plus anything else that happens behind the portal, but keep Yimdo as a friend, ally, and mentor. The choice is yours.
-Walk Through the Portal
-Walk Out of the Bathroom
My Story Progress
3 months ago
Just with a brief scan, I'd suggest more variety with your sentence structure. If the majority is "you do this, you do that," then the reader's mind will wander. And for the large text block at the end, you might want to section it off. It can be the same person talking, but maybe throw in a few casual observences, like Yimdo crossing his arms or speaking at different volumes. Performing a bodily action with speech for emphasis could work well there, like describing hand gestures or tightening one's fist or a narrowing the eyes.
My Story Progress
3 months ago
the large block was just a copy paste error... should've checked that before submitting...
I give more context before this point, as this is the end of the prologue... probably should've clarified that beforehand. The reason I left some context out was because it was mostly about whether it was engaging enough to continue reading.
Other than that, appreciate the feedback. Gonna take this seriously.
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