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My first short story

4 months ago

So, this is my first short story. Let me know how I can improve my writing. Any form of criticism is appreciated ^_^

  

 

Hmmmm... What face should I wear today? This feminine face with rosy cheeks and luscious plump lips, or that masculine one with sapphire blue eyes? How about something more androgynous looking? Perhaps I should try something entirely new. Today, I will wear no face. Ohhh... This will be interesting. I remember when I was a youngling, I would frequently ask my mama why we had to wear faces all the time. She would always answer: "It's a must for our survival." Yet, I didn't believe her, and still don't. When a [unintelligible] is born, it has no face yet. The nurses have to quickly put a face on its head. During the first few years, the younglings have their faces changed by their parents at least once every week since they cannot do it on their own. As they grow older, they learn how to wear their faces properly. In the teenage years, many youngsters tend to change their faces constantly; some even do it every day. I used to be one of them.

 

   I have heard about stories of people went missing after they take off their face for a while. There are many theories about this, but none is confirmed as no one returns to tell the tale. The most prominent theory is that they simply cease to exist. Another theory suggests they are transported to another dimension. Many people told me it would be suicide to take off my face for a long time, but I still ponder this question every night... What truly happens if I am faceless for a long period? I have next to nothing to lose, so why not find this out? I hesitate for a while... Should I really do this? Well, you see, survival instinct and fear of the unknown work together to form a rather formidable force. Shame also plays a role here as a supporting factor. Would I be remembered as a curious fool who remove their face? Then again, why should I care about them? All they do is wrongfully judging others to please their hypocritical minds. I take a deep breath and remove my face.

 

 Fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, thirty minutes... Huh... no drastic changes... So, this is all just a hoax? Suddenly, I feel a slight tingling feeling on where my face should have been... That's it? Boring, yet I am glad that nothing scary happens. I think I'm going to put my face back on. What the [unintelligible]! I cannot put on my face... Arghhh! No matter how hard I try to push my face onto my head, It just falls off. The tingling feeling starts to develop into a burning sensation. Oh come on... The tape! Hopefully this will work. How foolish of me; should have listened to what they said. After a few minutes, I successfully tape my face onto my head. Yet, something is wrong... The burning sensation grows stronger and stronger like fire meet dry wood. I take a look at the mirror and see a horrifying picture. My face is melting. Oh shit. My face. Melting. Ahhhh! Someone help me! Please! My skin is melting like candle wax. My eyes roll out of their sockets, leaving two black holes on my melting face. I can hear liquified skin splatter on the floor. My screams soon turn into wet gurgling. Every moment spells pain and regret. The pain spread throughout my body while it is liquified. Each second lasts forever. Why don't you just shut down already, brain?

 

   Suddenly, the pain disintegrates as I feel a sense of calm linger in my mind. I look in the mirror to see no one there. Huh... I look around the house and find no traces of myself. So they are right, those who have no faces become no one. I have noticed that my senses much better for some reasons. I can see everything up to the tiniest details despite having no eye. I can hear every sound from the smallest vibration of air particles despite having no ear. I can smell every flower on earth despite having no nose. I can taste every dishes despite having no tongue. I can sense every touches despite having no skin. I can feel everything from every perspective. I realised something... Those who have no face become no one. And by doing so, they become one with everything. From that moment of realisation, "I" ceases to exist.

My first short story

4 months ago
Seems like this might be interesting to play around with whatever these things are in a larger story. The idea is creepy in itself, but the character comes off more as a rebellious edgy teen than anything else.

"Then again, why should I care about them? All they do is wrongfully judging others to please their hypocritical minds."

Where does this idea come from? Nothing like this is established previously, it just gets blurted out as the main motivation to do this life altering/ending thing with nothing backing it up. And without that motivation there would be no story to tell, so it would help if it was a believable one.

Or maybe a first person monologue from the creature itself isn't the best way to use this idea, since it does humanize them and take some of the creepiness and mystery away when you know exactly what they think. I wonder what a story from the paranoid POV of someone who thinks everyone around them is wearing masks would look like.

Not bad at all if this is really a very first attempt at a story though. You should consider writing a bit of Lovecraftian horror for this thread if you want a low pressure way to get more practice: https://chooseyourstory.com/forums/creative-corner/message/28826

My first short story

4 months ago

Thanks for your advice. I will practice more.

My first short story

4 months ago

At first reading through, I thought it was going to be a metaphor of how people wear "faces" to hide their true self. Little did I know, its actually a race of [unintelligible]. I think this idea needs a few more world building aspects to solidify for the reader why any of this is happening. Is it because the character is curious? Is it rebellion? Both of them are hinted at, but no real grip motivates the story. Don't get me wrong, it is interesting and I liked the ending. It would just benefit the story as a whole if more detail was given. 

Also curious if the [unintelligible] are their own society or hide in human society. Either way, very interesting idea you have.

My first short story

4 months ago

Yeah. I think it should be more detailed. Thanks for the advice.