DireRyse, The Contributor

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5/18/2024 10:23 PM

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The Grand Pharaoh's Tomb

You have dedicated years of your life working to prove the existence of a hidden pharaoh - someone who has pulled the strings of Ancient Egypt from the shadows, Kannok. Will you delve into the tomb and be successful, or will this just be another piece of history lost to time?



This is my submissions for End Master’s Prompt Contest 3. Any and all feedback is welcomed and appreciated.

The Fallen Gods: Siege at Aurella

The gods of the realm fall silent as the Lahrian Kingdom spreads the following of The True God across the land. The Inquisitor's army has been sieging the city of Aurella for three weeks now. Your army grows restless at it seeks to purge the heretics inside it's gates. Will you destroy the city in the name of your god through slaughter, or will you find another way? 

Recent Posts

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ???? on 5/17/2024 9:49:10 PM

The best choice is Story B.

Story A: The world building was nice, but I think those words would have been better used to conclude the story. Also don't know why a bio-weapon would just be under someone's bed and not even locked up at all.

Story B: Pacing was good. With the word limit, I think it gave a great balance of world building and delivering a good story. Out of all 3 of the stories, it felt the most complete.

Story C: Like the other's have said, just going off the title puts me off immediately. Whoever wrote it needs to have just a bit of confidence in their writing. I went into the story already knowing that the author doesn't like it and doesn't care. It doesn't feel complete. There really isn't even a story there. Nothing happens. We learn about 2 brothers and meet some other dude and thats it. 

New User Suprise on 5/5/2024 8:25:17 PM

Welcome to the site! Hopefully it keeps you around even after finals.

Play-testing Anyone? on 5/3/2024 10:55:58 PM

I agree with Peng here. I don't think it works based on what you goals are. Using a storygame to funnel questions/ players to another one of your storygames isn't really worth it? Like Peng said, you could've just asked in the forums. I went to the page of the Gatekeeper game and saw "fans of National Treasure" as well as that in the title and a pic of Nick Cage within the first page of the storygame - so I would also say FanFic as well. I see its also sitting at almost 30k words (very nice). If its done, I would say give it a good proof read and publish. People will see it in searches, etc. and you would get more feedback once it's published. 

Ben's 500-word short story on 5/3/2024 10:41:10 PM

What inspired you to put these words in this order?

Question(s) regarding The Grand Pharaoh's Tomb... on 5/2/2024 10:40:47 PM

Also I saw in your comment on my story game and you mentioned looking for some of my other writing. Here's a couple other short stories I wrote.

The Fateweaver

A Lover's Game

Question(s) regarding The Grand Pharaoh's Tomb... on 5/2/2024 10:18:41 PM

Thanks for the questions. Let me give this a shot: Spoilers ahead for obvious reasons.

1. Why do you die when you take the throne? Simply put, you're in the tomb of an immortal Pharaoh who has lent his power to others over time. It is something that has been around for hundreds (or more) years. I'm a HUGE fan of cosmic horror and not understanding the choices of beings more powerful than humans. Through the other paths - greedy choices tend to get you fucked over (such as choosing the gold in the treasury). The other solo choice in the Rebirth door of attempting to escape combined with accepting the amulet - gives you an ending where you become devoted to Kannok in a not so possessed way (more of a rebirth through this route). Even rejecting the amulet towards any ending will restart the cycle, as the chosen will not defy Kannok's will. Also, think of where you are at this point. You got sucked into a door and appeared in a canyon. Taking the throne would make you the King of Nothing as there is no one to rule and nothing to rule over.

2. The Amulet. This is more of a representation. The description of it paints it as a ragged rope with some sort of rock with random symbols on it and the aura of it produces visceral reactions from the MC of disgust, nausea, etc.  Although, the reader "hears" Kannok's voice through the story, you may notice the MC never reacts to the voice itself or even acknowledges any sort of voice. When you go to a treasure room, what do you expect to find? Treasures, of course! So the bond with Kannok is represented by this - and in the rebirth path, I just kept inline with what you find in the treasury.  

3. The Maze: Let me start off with writing a maze fucking sucks. I think the small maze I created was over 100 pages alone and its pretty short with minimal dead ends. Most of the stuff was just for flavor because it can get super boring reading you can go left or right or straight 100s of times. I initially was going to have the rebirth path blocked on the paths with your friends, but changed it to blocking the maze path because of how much effort it would take to make. 1000/10 would not reccommended ever doing it again - but I committed to it after committing the cardinal sin as penance for my transgressions. There was also going to be a variable added to cast you as lost in the maze after so many wrong turns/ dead ends, but I was way over my head and time didn't allow for me to figure that out.

Hope this helps!

How to make the item effect = previous page on 4/22/2024 1:44:19 PM

There is also a "Go Back" button in the top right of the screen when they go through the story - but I get what you are looking to do.

Free Reviews Here! on 4/18/2024 11:53:03 PM

Thank you so much for the detailed review. I'm glad that you enjoyed it! Unfortunately, due to my own procrastination, I cut a lot of what I had originally planned and I was nervous it was going to appear too rushed or just plain incomplete but happy to hear you enjoyed and recommend it!

Also thanks for the feedback on my proofreading, I'll make sure my next story has less mistakes!

FAVORITE WORDS OF CYS on 4/17/2024 9:32:14 PM

If someone don't call trash people fags then they themselves are a fucking failure of a human being and deserve to rope. People need to know that saying stupid shit is retarded and everyone will laugh at you, especially in the glorious CYStian Kingdom.

Lucky me! on 4/16/2024 10:11:36 PM

You won the lottery! This is your golden ticket to the big leagues!!! The next major breakthrough in IF!