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Okay, hey. So well, I began writing this CYOA in August, I haven't really gotten as much progress as I would like  because I am a slight procrastinator and I always negatively compare my writing to others without actually asking for any evaluation or anything - so that's why I made this post! I'd really like if somebody could just read this early snippet of my writing and just tell me if it's decent or not, I've always found that people commenting on my work has strangely always motivated me, whether it be criticism or positive comments.

So, here's the very small snippet :

It is one day, December of your fifteenth year, that a change does indeed occur. You are sitting with Edwin in the snow of the gardens. He is entertaining you with his charm and wit, hpis eyes seemed to pierce into you as you sit there, enjoying the talk. Edwin had gentle brown hair and stormy gray eyes, he had a gentleness and sophistication about him that you had never seen in a boy. You, by this time, had acquired feelings for Edwin, oh, how he charmed you with his wit, his remarkable beauty but, you couldn't help reminding yourself, there was something off about him.  
 
Suddenly, Edwin leans onto you, his breath grows more rapid as his cheeks gently flush. He brushes a strand of hair out of your face. He remarks, slowly. 
 
"I am very fond of you, more than anyone else." His voices catches at the last note as he leans in to you, further. There is literally a complete lack of space as he looks you in the eyes. 

So uh, yeah. I'm not exactly as experienced as any of you guys in writing or using the site, so I probably sound ignorant in many ways, if so, please forgive me.

Anyway, I suppose tha would be it. Um. Yeah.

30 second critique:

You are changing back and forth between past and present tense.  Mostly present, but when you describe Edwin you're suddenly using past.

"that a change does indeed occur" sounds awkward, unnatural.

what the heck is "gentle brown hair?" how can either brown or hair be described as gentle?

Is Edwin supposed to be creepy?  He's definitely giving me a yandere vibe. Sexy, but psycho.

I can't help thinking Edwin is Light because of your profile pic.

I would totally keep playing this game.  It needs proofreading, but I'm interested. 

Oh, okay. I'll go see for the past and  present tense and change stuff~~

When I describe stuff, I tend to use words that have little to no correlation to each other like "swift blonde hair" for some reason, I'll try to find some new words to describe things lol.

And yep, you pretty much got him immediately, he is psycho yandere. What exactly made you notice this? You always get a sorta of dark undertone when Edwin comes into play but it only explicitly says so if the character completely just throws away Edwin and reveals his true self. 

And thank you! It's always great to hear that somebody would be interested in playing or reading your work.  :^)

(*silently starts deleting all the remarks on hair that the protagonist can make*)

Well, first of all, you told me I think there's "something off" about him.

But also, he leaned in superclose, breathed on me, touched my hair, and slowly said something oddly formal and not entirely romantic.  The whole thing was a great blend of overly intimate and coldly distant.

So, what's the game about?

Mwahahah, my goal was achieved! Anyway, the story is essentially about a corrupt country several years after leading a complete massacre of an Eastern continent. The gods were pissed at them and so they took up a single survivor and raised her in their castle along with their children as a really bad apology. The game is essentially romance based, the first romantic interest is introduced right off the bat, Edwin the creep. 

Eventually, the royal family is almost wiped out by a disease and boom politics, romance, etc. 

So yeah, it's for the romance genre. 

Politics?  Eh. . . not my thing. . .

Ah, don't make him a creep.  I don't want him if he's not oddly attractive despite his possessiveness.  If he's just Edward from Twilight, he's not worth my time.

Very light politics, mostly romance if I may correct my words lol.

He's more yandere than creepy, if that makes any sense and he is attractive, brown haired and intense gray eyessss

There's other suitors, his sister who is named Priscilla, some mysterious dude, the poor charming older man, and one or two others who haven't escaped development 

And don't worry, none of them sparkle or are vampires.

I'm not going to give you a review of what I read, because you're a newfag and I totally despise you.

As such, I will not tell you that this has excellent description, 

Your snippet definitely does not establish the scene immersively.

And I did not find Edwin interesting or anything.

So suck on that, noob!

You may disregard everything in Italics as sarcasm, all is well, and this is a very nice snippet.

Aww, you're making the OP bashful. :)