Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

So I am writing a game called 1st Term at Thorn Academy.

I haven't finished it yet- but I'd like a suggestion or two- proofreading the type.

So here's a link http://chooseyourstory.com/story/1st-term-at-thorn-academy

?PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT ON THE GAME PAGE>

Just send me a mail, or post right below this thread .

Thanks so much!!!!

You managed to lose my interest immediately by proudly declaring your story doesn't have a plot. 

Still, your writing is above average for the 'school based' genre, which until the recent contest was pretty much a cancer on the site. Though you do sort of fall into the common CYOA trap of starting every sentence with 'You'. They'll be much more interesting if you mix them up a little. 

There are a few grammatical issues, weird phrasing here and there, and a persistent problem with the punctuation in your dialogue. I'd recommend Googling the grammarly handbook and brushing up on that.

Watch those exclamation points!!!! and question marks ???? as well, you're keyboard appears to get stuck on those and it is very annoying.

I'll go over those points as soon as I have time!

Thx for the help.

PS. I am getting a vague plot in my head, hoping I can fit that into the story!!!

So far you've got a good start. I can tell you've been going over it proofreading to correct any mistakes. My only concern, and that may change as you add to the story, is that it seems very linear. Maybe add some placeholder pages to show where you may branch off in the future.

It looks to like it's shaping up to be a nice story.

P.S. I'd like to know why Sam's father hates reading in general or reading at the table specifically so much, especially when he doesn't seem to have the time to sit and join his daughter at the breakfast table.