Cool, I'll repost the "big old post" then, for the sake of transperancy.
Wasn't sure if I was giving unwanted feedback, haha!
Anyway, like I said, I like what you're doing with the story. Looking forward to more!
Thank you for you hard work!
...
Feedback previously posted:
A few quick disclaimers: I haven't read Outrun 1, so I'm coming in with that perspective. I'm also not published, so feel free to take from this what you will. Lastly, I'll try not to focus on stuff like spelling and word choice too much, as I feel stuff like that is more useful later in development. Onto page one:
1:"After a while one gets used to the perpetually gloomy atmosphere within the City, bolstered by the never ending starless night sky and looming inky black clouds, the threat of acid rain always there. But this time there was no rain, just snow. Winter was here. You walk along the sidewalks of Beaumont Street, collar flicked up and covering your mouth to protect it from the freezing air."
F: Seems good to me for the most part. Only thing I'd like to point out is more info on the City would be nice. Is this a cyberpunk, Shadowrun-esque setting? With huge skyscrapers and industrial buildings making up most of the city? Is it a more modern day city? I started reading with the assumption of cyberpunk, and that seems to be reinforced by song choice (nifty trick, that!), but re-reading I'm not seeing anything that points to cyberpunk or high tech. Basically, if your setting is cyberpunk, I feel you could do more to establish it as such in your description of the city. Tech level is also unknown. Could be modern, could be future tech. I'd try to make it a bit clearer.
2: "This job should be fairly easy, and not dissimilar from a job you pulled about three months back at a club called TechNOIR. Your contractor, Brett, had given you the details in his thick Irish accent. "He's at this lounge called Stardust. Popular spot for business types, more high class than that dingy club ye hit way back when. Yer target's a high-rankin' HexCorp official, linked to the kidnapping cases in the Outer Circle of the City. Word 'round the campfire is that HexCorp is abductin' 'em for experiments and the like. But ye don't care 'bout that none, right lad?"
F: Good job on not going overboard with the accent. Having too many words written phonetically makes the passage difficult to read, and not having any can make us forget the accent altogether. One small change I'd make is using a phonetic spelling in the first line of text (eg. "Yer man's at this lounge called Stardust."). I feel if you mention the accent off the bat like that, it's easier for the reader to project it onto the rest of the conversation.
3: "Indeed, you really don't. A job's a job, and the sooner you blow a hole in the guy's brain and get out to get your money, the better."
F: That second sentence seems off. Bit awkward to read, imo.
4: "A few streets later you've arrived at the club, bright red neon sign like a beacon guiding you towards it. The building is two stories, and from what you remember your target's on the first floor in a VIP section. This is already reminding you of TechNOIR. No hope of getting in through the front this time, though; the way you're dressed, they'd kick your ass to the curb. Instead, you slip in through the backdoor, which is unlocked. Thank God for small miracles."
F: Good. Two things I'd have a look at: a) you mention this job reminding us of TechNOIR. How? Is it the line of patrons lining the street outside? Is it the building's cracked facade, sloppily covered up by fresh paint? If you've already addressed this in text with the "red neon sign" and "two stories" "target's on the first floor in VIP", feel free to ignore. b) Why can't we get through the front this time? It's cuz we're dressed poorly, right? Well, why? Why didn't we come dressed nice so we could just walk in and save ourselves the hassle of finding a secondary entrance? This is more a nitpick than anything on my part. Good job on just cutting straight to PC getting into building.
5: "The room you come in through is a supply closet, with various crates full of who-knows-what. Slipping through the maze of boxes, you find the exit and enter into the club proper. It's much nicer than TechNOIR, with fairly decent lighting that basks the room in a red glow. Music fills the air, a smooth and calming beat that seems to pull those shimmying around on the dance floor into a trance. It seems that the club's house band is playing."
F: The use of the word exit throws me off here. The way you've phrased it, it sounds like you say the PC's found the club's exit, which would lead back outside. It's a minor point, but changing this so I didn't have to do a double take would work better, I'd think. I'd also like to see a more thorough elaboration of "much nicer". The details of the "red glow" "basking" the club and the nod towards the "house band is playing" are two nice touches that paint the scene. I'd also suggest to describe the patrons more. How packed is the dance floor? Is this even a club for dancing? Maybe it's a jazz or hookah bar or something: I find it hard to tell (that's prob just me tho). The music clears it up for me, but I'd find a way to set the scene even without it. Mostly tho? Good show (music in CYOA is awesome).
6: "This isn't the VIP section, but you still keep an eye out for your target anyhow. Force of habit at this point. He's nowhere in the crowd, obviously, but you notice a waitress approaching a room labeled 'VIP'. Unlike last time, the door is unguarded. It'll be easy to get in there and blow your target into oblivion.
So how do you want to play this? Look for another way into the VIP area, or head in through the front?
1. Look for another way around. Through the kitchen seems promising.
2. No time for stealth. I'm gonna head in there and blow him away, along with anyone else who gets in my way."
F: Structure seems sound. Good segway into our first choice. Just one question: Why is there "no time"? I don't see it being logical here it pick the 2nd choice other than wanting to cause maximum carnage, or trying to blend in by acting like you belong. But that's not the justification given for our choice, the justification is time, and I simply don't see a reason for the PC to think that time is precious here. Maybe put in a throwaway line about how "Someone will notice I don't belong eventually, it's only a matter of time." But then again we come to that problem I pointed out earlier about why our Hitman didn't come dressed to blend in, when s/he was able to do it before.
In conclusion, very sound writing for the most part, good structure and length. Few grammatical errors that I won't address b/c, as I understand it, you're not in the editing stages yet. Only one real issue with the story itself (why did we come dressed as a bum :P). Also, would like to see the setting more clearly established at the start.
Good work! I'm looking forward to seeing more. And remember, I don't know jack, so feel free to give however much weight you want to my comments.
Cheers,
