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Hey, I'm pretty new to this, and I've never written in second person before. I'm writing a sci-fi storygame called Indebted, and I would like it if some of you could take the time to read over the first page. If not, it's ok. ^-^ Here it is:

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You're regretting your decision to be on an outside job this month.

The sun beats down on your aching back, the crappy weathered hand-me-down Funcounty!™ visor doing little to stop it. The false smile plastered eternally on your face twitches down a moment as you check the time. Seven hours left in your seventeen hour shift. You fake pushing your stringy hair away from your brow to let out a long kept sigh. 

You reason that outside is better than inside, at least, during the fall months. Last month made you desperate to breathe fresh air, the smog, guts, and latent terror surrounding all the Family in the underground faction. "Uhm, excuse me?" A little girl smiles up at you, and you check her wrist. Tier 1 Guest. Your heart sinks, even if she seems kind now, her parents surely won't be. 

"Hello Miss, what can I do for you?" You crouch down, trying to get on her level. She giggles at your formality, but you refuse to let your guard down.

"I- I lost my parents." Her giddy demeanor quickly falls, and you offer your hand, protocol echoing in your head.

"Well, if you're comfortable, please take my hand and we'll find them. Otherwise, stay close to me, alright?" You give her a gentle grin, and she nods, taking your hand. She's scared, but she relaxes into you as you take out a small, square shaped object, running a hand gently through her hair. A few hairs slip out, and you stick one into a small hole at the top of the device. You wait until it sends a mildly painful shock down your arm, and a trail leads from the girl to her parents in your mind's eye. The box sinks into your skin, concealing itself beneath your flesh. Wishing to flinch, but knowing you can't, you carefully coax the girl along with you.

You maneuver through the packs of people waiting for cheesily named rides. The less people you run into, the better, but the little girl crying and clinging to your side makes you think that's a bad idea. Eventually, you pause, crouching down again. 

"Hey. I get that sometimes it feels nice to cry, but right now there's really no reason. We're almost back to your parents, and I'm sure they'll be so happy to see you." You pull a pack decorated in smiling faces from your side, filled with lollipops for panicked children. She picks out a grape one, wiping the tears from her face. She grasps your hand tightly, and you clench your teeth beneath smiling lips. She's too strong for a human child, she must be a hybrid. You mentally prepare for whichever other species you may meet, praying it's not another succubus. 

The trail goes taunt, showing that the parents are headed this way. You stand up again, concerned that circulation in your hand is being cut off. 

You hear the parents before you see them, their pounding footsteps unmistakable to your Modified ears. The box thuds against the outer bearings of your flesh, about to exit. Your heartbeat calms forcibly, and the device stays still. 

"Merit! You're safe!" Her father sprints up to her, glaring at me on his way over. He's human, so the Other must be the mom. "Did the staff hurt you?"

"No, daddy. He gave me a lollipop and helped me find you!" The girl pulls the Funcounty™ branded lollipop, showing it's still in the wrapper. The dad relaxes. As if I'd have anything to spike it with, you think to yourself, mentally rolling your eyes.

"You found her!" A tall, muscular woman runs over, beaming at the sight of her child. She towers above you by about three feet, you suddenly you feel like the child here. Half-giant. You mind goes over the other Family. Whose mother was a half giant? 

You brain wanders for a moment before you think of brown hair and a full frame. Leo. These are Leo's parents. These are the monsters that sold such a kind boy to be Tier 1 Guests for a lifetime. Your fingers itch with the urge to attack, but the fresh aching on your back dissuades you. Your practiced smile is still doing its job.

The half-giant scoffs down at you. "What are you still doing here?" She leers. You come to attention, bowing quickly.

"Thank you for giving me the pleasure of helping you, ma'am." She smiles, and you quickly shuffle away, not wanting your arm broken again today. The hot sun resumes its torrent, valiantly streaming down. Surely they'll put the sun-shades up soon.

The small black box begins to push against your skin, and you hobble as joyfully as you can toward the nearest hidden Family Door. You barely make it as the box pushes out from layers of skin, tearing a hole from your bone to the edge of your skin. This is the life, you think sarcastically.

Blood gushes out quickly, and you stumble towards the repair machine, shutting the door behind you with your good arm. Fog begins to flood down from the vents above you, relaxing you while a needle pokes through your skin, a mechanized hand wrapping camoflauging bandages around your arm. They fade to the color of your skin, almost invisible. You know the longer you stay, the more food you'll be docked for the week, but...

Your eyes flutter gently closed, the fog dulling your senses. You are so, so tired...

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(Please let me know what I can do to make this a better first page. Thank you!)

I really liked the first sentence!

It's pretty compelling, because images are instantly conjured up to my mind of the feeling of hard work outside, and I really want to know more. Why does he regret working outside?

I really liked the descriptors, I feel the narrator's exhaustion and the environmental descriptors add to the oppressive mood quite nicely. Already, it feels rather dystopian.

I think the biggest strength is the worldbuilding. Right from the first page, we get a really interesting premise. I love the idea of the box digging in his arm, the whole concept of working at a theme park with hybrid humans, couples made up of humans married to monsters. I loved the class distinctions, and the inequality, it gives a really dystopian feel to the narrative

The coolest part(in terms of psychological horror), was the last paragraph:

Blood gushes out quickly, and you stumble towards the repair machine, shutting the door behind you with your good arm. Fog begins to flood down from the vents above you, relaxing you while a needle pokes through your skin, a mechanized hand wrapping camoflauging bandages around your arm. They fade to the color of your skin, almost invisible. You know the longer you stay, the more food you'll be docked for the week, but...

I really loved this! What the hell is going on with the amusement park? Why is he getting his food docked? The needle and the mechanical arm were so creepy. As well as the box digging in the MC's skin.

Characterization was also quite good. We get a feel for the character's place in the world, his anger at the injustice of the class division, his feeling of fear towards Rank 1.

I also think the incident that was used was a good way to shed some light into the surrounding world, and bring people into the world without info dumping.

Suffice to say, I liked this first page! It was quite good.

Drawbacks: I think pacing. I do think with editing, the first page could be a bit tighter. That could just be me. You can definetly have longer pages, and you could probably trim some of the inner monologue. Then again, some of the best stories on the site rely heavily on internal monologue. It's always a fine balance to have just the right amount of inner monologue and action.

Grammar wise: I see some comma splices and run on sentences. Take this sentence here: She towers above you by about three feet, you suddenly you feel like the child here.

Sentence Structure/Style: I would vary up the rhythm.

Starting sentences off with you a lot/Overreliance on Telling: With the show vs tell debate, you obviously can't constantly show. That would get old super fast, but at the same time, in CYOA, since we all use 2nd person POV we're naturally going to see more telling compared to traditional novels. For instance, Endmaster's works are some of the best on the site, and he does a lot of telling vs showing. You tend to start many sentences off with "You do this, you do that", and that can get pretty repetitive.

Heightening Tension/Creating a sense of atmosphere: I would definetly write more about the narrator's fear of the consequences. The body horror with the device embedded in your arm, and the ending paragraph are superb! I would make the rest of the world feel a lot more oppressive, since this is clearly some messed up dystopia. By doing more showing vs telling, really heighten that feeling of discomfort and tension the MC must feel.

Also there are parts where I would probably heighten the creepy factor, and dial it up to 11.

Original Sentence: "The small black box begins to push against your skin"

Revised Sentence: "The small black box moves underneath your skin like a centipede. You see your skin turn red and you feel the box straining and squirming, as if it's burrowing its way out.

Trimming some of the excessive adjectives/adverbs out: Obviously not in the horror parts. Maybe just in the build up, the exposition where you lead up to horror.

Overall, the biggest strengths are world building, the horror writing, the ideas, the class/ranking system, the narrator's characterization, and the way you write the environment/setting. It is a good first page, and one that could be improved upon a bit. But as a first page, it's better than anything I've written, and it was a treat to go through this story.

Also, putting aside the critique/reviewing mindset, I loved reading this for fun! I can't wait to find out what happens next!

This is good. I can't think of any major issues with it. The world is interesting. There's obviously a sort of classism or racism issue going on, which could lead to some nice conflict and action. Maybe the only minor thing is that "Uhm, excuse me?" should probably start a new paragraph, since it's new dialogue and interrupts the train of thought of the rest of the paragraph.

But I like the details, I like the way you navigate between the protagonist's thoughts and the environment and action.

And you introduced some small conflict and adversity (two portions of that, in fact: the lost little girl, and her parents) to keep the reader going, while also establishing a promise for a much greater conflict.

So yeah, this is well done.

Good job. I would continue reading that.

This is a good first page! It leaves the reader wanting to know more about the world, compelling them to continue reading. There's also quite a lot of emotion and shock factor. Both very good to have at the start of your story.

Hope to read the finished product soon! :]