The Lamest Vampire Ever
So I remember reading this short vampire story once a fairly long time ago. For whatever reason it’s been going through my mind lately, not sure why, but might as well share it since I know everyone here is secretly or not so secretly into gay vampire shit.
Again this was something read a long time ago so I’m just remembering the major details, wasn’t a long story anyway. (And I don’t remember anyone’s name in this shit either)
Okay so as I remember the story starts off with a vampire coming back to his undead life after being staked for several decades. I think it was some grave robbers fucking around and they open up the coffin and see the stake in the corpse’s chest. One of them immediately freaks out yelling about vampires, while the other doesn’t believe in that shit and immediately starts checking for loot.
He ends up knocking over the coffin and the stake comes falling out in the process. The other grave robber is already running since he knows what that means. I don’t remember if the other sticks around long enough to get killed or runs off as well when he sees something going on with the body that doesn’t look natural.
Anyway, the vampire comes back to life and immediately remembers the vampire hunter that staked him in the first place and is eager to go get revenge on him. He tracks him down and confronts him. I forget where exactly because as I remember he somehow got inside to do this and I know damn well he didn’t get invited in. It might have been the vampire hunter’s real job office or something.
In an amusing turn of events, the vampire hunter uses two fucking pencils to create a cross and it’s enough to cause the vampire to have to back away. However, he notices there’s a some pictures on the vampire hunter’s desk and one of them is a kid. the vampire at this point says he’s got an even better idea for revenge because he’s going after his son.
Probably would have been better to not tip off his enemy like that, but villain arrogance I suppose.
So now the V.H. is freaking out about keeping his son safe and pretty much vampire proofs his house. Crosses, garlic, etc. Fortunately for him, his son is one of those weird kids that stays inside his room most of the time.
(Please note, this story was from an old 80s potentially late 70s comic, so staying in your room most of the time as a kid during this era would be pretty weird and not the most normal thing ever like nowadays)
So the vampire stalks around the house, but he’s barred from getting in, though again I’m not sure how he was getting in without being invited anyway. Maybe that wasn’t an issue though and that particular common vampire lore wasn’t a thing for this story. Eventually though the vampire just figures he’ll have to lure the boy out and then he’d get him.
He sees the boy through a sliding glass door and tries to lure him out like some pedo with a van full of candy, but the boy just looks up from what he’s doing and goes back to it like nothing happened.
Now you would think that with as paranoid as the vampire hunter was he might even move his son to a room that didn’t have a fucking sliding glass door to the outside world, but it was important to move the story’s plot along so there you go.
The vampire realizes “Gee, this was so much easier in medieval times, maybe all that stranger danger stuff they’re teaching in schools nowadays actually works. I better try a less obvious predatory approach.”
So the vampire turns himself into a puppy and whines at the door. The boy looks up and then goes back to what he’s doing. Vampire tries a kitten next, same result.
It should be noted that this kid has not moved ONCE from his desk and the only time he looks up is when he’s hearing the vampire at the door and he’s not even curious enough to close the curtain, tell his dad, or anything.
The vampire himself is baffled by this behavior and then notices some stuff in the kid’s room from where he’s standing. He sees a lot of butterflies in boxes. I’m not even sure if this is a hobby anymore, but back then, there were still people actively collecting butterflies and pinning the poor bastards to set up inside a glassed box with a label of what breed it was.
So yeah, this kid is a MAJOR autist for this shit. He’s so damn focused on his serial insect killing and arranging their little bodies that he’s not trying to pay attention too long to anything else.
So now the vampire is like “Oh, alright I got this little fucker now!” and he turns himself into a very colorful (And very gay) butterfly that beats his wings on the door enough that the boy looks up and is already like “Ooooh pretty!” and finally leaves his chair.
So I’m guessing the plan was for the boy to go outside and the vampire finally nabs him, which honestly should have been the case, but in the comic I guess it’s implied that the boy has some sort of special autism speed, because instead of the vampire transforming back and nabbing the boy, he quickly nabs the vampire and stabs him with a damn pin while he’s still in butterfly form!
Cue vampire hunter dad hearing a blood curdling scream and he comes running into the room with a buddy he was talking with at the time (A buddy of which doesn’t believe in all this vampire stuff even though the V.H. is actively telling him about it) He checks on his son, who is unharmed and completely fine and staring blankly wondering what all the fuss is about. Vampire Hunter’s buddy starts asking the son if anyone was in here and a bunch of other questions, but again a lot of blank stares.
V.H. tells his buddy not to bother because his son won’t respond because he’s…slow. (Hey, it was the late 70s-80s, merely calling him slow rather than outright retarded was pretty progressive!) He mentions his son just doesn’t behave like normal kids and he just focuses a lot of his time collecting butterflies and shows the various boxed butterfly collections.
His dad then notices a very colorful butterfly newly pinned and says “This must be a new one, I wonder where he got it?”
And then the story ends with the classic horror crypt keeper type narrator with some parting words. Don’t remember them all, but I do remember him saying something like “A stake, a pin, does it really make a difference?”
And yeah I guess it didn’t. Lol.
