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You are not obliged to read all this, just skim through it to know what's going on.

Here I am, with the two hottest girls in my class, heck maybe even in the whole school! Anyway, I don't even know why I'm here walking out with some girls outside, in the middle of the night, I could have stayed at home and continue my awesome story from CYS... but noooo, I had to go out to make some friends with some actual people, what the hell was I thinking?! Anyway, two days ago, Jenny, one of the most popular, and hottest girls that I know, invited me to come with her twin sister, Anna and go out and have fun... why? I don't have a clue. Jenny barely knows my name and Anna doesn't give two shits about me...Ah! I could have used this time to stay at home and finish my story!

"Mark, you ok?" Jenny asks looking at my red face... probably beacuse I was angry...

"Oh, sorry, I was thinking about something!" I said to her with a plastered on smile.

Sometimes I envy Jenny, her blissful and almost always cheerful demeanor makes her one of the popular girls in the high school, despite the fact that she didn't even try to become popular, the rest of the idiots from my class suddenly decided that she was popular... well I guess her looks helped her to achieve her status. She is about 1.6m tall, with a very long, natural red hair along with some blue eyes and a very shapely body... God... why didn't you make me a hot girl?

"Well you better pay attention if you want to get a girlfirend!"

"I already have a girlfriend, her name is CYS!" I said as if I declared my love to a girl.

"You can't bang and site on the internet, jackass!" she snapped back.

"Oh, yeah?" I ask. "Have you tried that to know it?" I asked with a wide grin on my face.

Instead of getting angry or snapping back with one of her snarky comments, Anna just sighed in dissapointment and started to walk again, ignoring me... again. Ah, what was new in that?! I was ignored most of my life, I'm used to it! As I said, Anna was her sister's look-alike, the only difference in looks being that she wears glasses. Her personality on the other hand is quite different from here sister's, she is a intelligent, however, she sometimes acts like a little b**ch, like she's superior to everyone else! How the hell did she become so popular?!

Instead of sighing in dissapointment, Jenny chuckled then said with a wide smile on her face.

"You're a funny guy, Mark!" she says.

"I try sometimes!" I answer with a proud smile on my face... heh, who knew I like being praised?! Not me!

After a few moments later I started feeling a bit ill, nothing major, however, Jenny noticing this asks me with a hint of worry in her tone.

"Are you ok?" she asks, putting a hand on my shoulder. When I looked at her, I started to feel butterflies in my stomach, damn, she's cute when she's worried!

"Yeah, don't worry, it's probably the milk I had a hour ago, it must've went bad when I drank it!" I say with a wide smile on my face. I didn't want her to stop with the cute worried face, but I couldn't let her be worried either, so I answered.

"If you don't feel ok, then we can go out another time!" she says, still a bit worried.

"Nah, it's ok, I'm as tough as steel!" I say beating my chest and smile proudly.

"You're tough as butter, smartass." Anna said in a indiferent tone.

I look at her for a few seconds then I start to clap.

"Good comeback, Anna, I did not expect that one!" I say with a smile on my face.

She blushes a bit then abruptly turns back to walk forward... hehehe, I finally found her weakness! Praising and smiling... at the same time!

After a few more moments of walking, something suddenly pushes me back... it's like Mike Tyson, one shotted me in face, KO-ing me with a uppercut... wait the uppercut isn't used to punch the face, it's used to punch the chin... ah, why the hell am I thinking about this now?! The "punch" seems to have knocked me out in some sort of dreamworld...

This dreamworld was a bit empty, it was completely blank. After a few moments of looking around, some old guy in a suit in a armchair appears there. Why the heck am I imagining this weird guy? I'm not into old guys! I'm into hot, young teenagers with barely any clothes on them!

However, as soon as I imagined that, a ton of different types of young girls started to walk around the area blowing kisses to me... Ah, I''m almost in heaven! Dissapear, old guy! However my brain-waves seem to want this old guy in here.

"I am King D, the King of Hell, or as you humans know me, the Devil." the old guy in the armchair says in an indiferent tone. Whoah, I'm into the Devil? What the hell brain?! Did that punch make you act weird?! "I'm real, boy, I'm the real Devil, the one you heard in all those religion books." he said. "I have a proposition for you... become one of my demons and I'll reward you with anything you wish!" he said smiling slightly.

"Anything?" I barely manage to mutter.

"If you wish, I can make you the richest guy on Earth, or the hottest guy ever!... ANYTHING!" he says.

Well, if he is the Devil, and he can make any of my desires come true, then I should accept, I mean, I was never the religious kind of guy and all the over-religious retards on the internet didn't help a lot either, I would have probably went to hell anyway! But then again this could be just a figment of my imagination, a desire to have everything... I have had that before! So... what do I pick?

1)Hell yeah! Bring on the hot chicks!

2) Begone, foul demon! GTFO my brain!

3) Yeah... fuck you brain!

Note: This is the first page of a game I have been working on!

The positive:

You developed a clear voice that in it's own right was distinct and entertaining.

The page ends with an interesting proposition.
--
Where you could improve.

You are really going overboard with your use of ellipsis. This is a beautiful tool, but it should be used sparingly. When you flood the page with them, they lose all meaning and become annoying.

You are going overboard with the exclamation marks too. I would limit them to when they are only absolutely necessary for emphasis. Allow the actions, gestures, or quirks of your characters to display tone. For example...

Ellen storms into the kitchen and jabs a finger at Mike. "I hope you're proud of yourself."
VERSUS
Ellen glances at the woman sobbing in the corner of the tavern. She sighs and leans over my table, pretending to pour me a drink. "I hope you're proud of yourself."

Ellen says the same thing in both sentences, but her actions reveal the tone of her voice, so we do not need to rely on exclamation points or modifiers like "whispered." Some writers refuse to use anything other than "said" or "asked" as a dialogue tag. The thought is that tags like "whispered" and "shouted" and "bellowed" jar the reader and makes them aware they are reading a story. "Said" and "asked" can be pretty inconspicuous, especially if you limit dialogue tags by showing who the speaker is through actions.

Another way to limit clunky dialogue tags is to develop a pattern. For example...

John kicks me in the ribs as I lie sniveling in the mud. "Don't you ever talk to my girl again. Got it?"
"Kick him again Johnny," says Ned.
"I'll kick him when I'm ready to kick him you lummox."
"But I like the sound he makes when you kick him."
"Just keep an eye out for Old Man Jenkins before I start kicking you."
"Alright Johnny."

Dialogue tags are unnecessary because we established a pattern. This flows much better than if we tagged the speaker in each line.

Go through and count how many times you used the word "smile." We do not need to know the speaker is smiling every sentence. Also, smile is a weak word. It doesn't convey much other than pleased. Consider grin, smirk, beam, simper to shake things up or convey a more direct image. The same goes for frown when it comes up. Consider scowl, grimace, leer, sneer.

I strongly recommend you avoid adverbs (the kind that end in "ly") as much as possible. Stephen King absolutely HATES them. If you are using them often, that is a good indicator your verb is not very strong. For example...

The dog walks slowly down the street.
The dog hobbles down the street.

The second sentence does three things. It replaced a weak verb with a stronger one. It eliminated an unnecessary word. It paints a more definitive picture.

Adverbs in dialogue tags tend to be a bad idea too for many of the same reasons listed above.

One last example from your own work and how it can be strengthened.

"Nah, it's ok, I'm as tough as steel!" I say beating my chest and smile proudly.
"You're tough as butter, smartass." Anna said in a indiferent tone.

I thump my chest like a gorilla. "It's okay, I'm tough as steel, baby."
Anna rolls her eyes. "You mean tough as warm butter."

Here we eliminate an adverb, two dialogue tags, a clunky dialogue tag modifier "indifferent tone," one of your "smiles", and improve flow.
---
If you rewrite this scene using these tips, I think you could have the foundation for a very interesting story. I also recommend you spend more time developing your plot than worrying about cameos. Plot drives stories. They are nothing without it. Good luck and happy writing.

EDIT:
Make sure you don't switch tenses. You flop between present and past at times.

Yeesh! I made a lot of mistakes...

And I'm using ellipsis? I didn't meant to use that... at all, please point it out where I used it so that I may correct them... that's what I get for trying a long story when English isn't even my native language... :P

As for the exclamation marks, I have removed a few of them, they were there to show the characters frustration or anger on a character without showing it or saying it.

I'll try to limit the use of those adverbs as much as I can, but that's how I was taught English over here.

As for the tense switches, they were on purpose (sort of), when the main character of the story remembers something or says something that happened in the past in his mind, I use the past... is that wrong?

 

 

 

I'm slightly confused. Are you being facetious about the ellipsis thing, or do you not know what that entails? I'll hedge on the later to be helpful. Ellipsis is a suppression or omission of words. It is typically displayed as a series of three periods where a character or narration trails off, like this... Dashes are usually used when a character is interrupted in mid sentence, such as.

Molly shook her head. "Wouldn't it suck if the castle --"
The castle exploded, knocking Molly and Kelly to the ground as rubble rained upon them.

I've seen people use one or two dashes in these instances. Anyway if you're not being facetious, you're using them all over the place, including your response.

Your writing will be stronger if you show the characters emotions rather than telling them or relying on constant exclamation points. Save the punctuation for the moments of peak excitement. They will have more power.

I do not know where you learned English, but the way they teach it in America (even to native speakers) is very detrimental for advanced writing. They teach children to use adjectives and adverbs to strengthen their sentences.

Instead of... The dog runs. They encourage... The big dog runs quickly.

This is an atrocious way to teach English. Once children reach about 9th grade, they begin to (in a very half-assed manner) encourage students to cut the bullshit with adjectives and adverbs and start using stronger nouns and verbs. Nouns and verbs are the meat and potatoes of good descriptive sentences. But by the time students reach high school, they are well entrenched in 9+ years of writing adjectives and adverbs instead of strong nouns and verbs, so most students never learn to adjust. It is a shame.

Once again, we look at...

"Nah, it's ok, I'm as tough as steel!" I say beating my chest and smile proudly.
"You're tough as butter, smartass." Anna said in a indiferent tone.

This is incorrect. This is something that is either actually happening in the present or already happened in the past. You must stay consistent. You switch several times, so I'm really not sure whether the events happening outside of your POV's head are supposed to be present or past tense.

This is how you would weave present and past in the manner I think you are suggesting. The story itself is happening in the present, but the character's thoughts may recall a past event.

"Do you miss having summer off?" I ask Sally.
"Who wouldn't? I loved going to the lake at Camp St. Pierre."
Sally and I shared our first kiss down by the lake. I feared my heart would burst from the anxiety. What if I missed her lips and clonked into her forehead? Oh, the humiliation.
I caress Sally's hand in mine. "Do you remember that night down on the lake?"
An impish grin curls onto her lips. "Do I ever."

Does this make sense to you?

25 February 2015

I have decided all of the paths that will be:

- Demon path

- Angel path

- Hunter path

- King of Hell path

- God-slayer path

- Cultist path

- Fallen Angel path

- Devil-Slayer path

- Antichrist path

17 pages/ ???

 

That game is sounding so awesome right now.

Yeah, thanks!

By the way, since Malk is telling to stop doing the thing, where the protagonist adds what he thinks and narrates(as shown above in the OP), should I remove or let that stay?

Actually, that wasn't what I was saying. I suggested you stop saying "WTF" or "OMG", as it makes him sound asinine and annoying. 

Oh... well you certainly didn't give off that vibe... better be more specific next time... :P

First person is difficult to do, especially with CYOAs.

That's an interesting opinion... but should I let it there, or remove it?

Eh...what would the page look like without it?

 It would be shorter and it would take less time to make, but it would be... bland at best.

I know that's not an accurate description, but I couldn't express it in any other words.

The writer's job is to describe the un-describable.

But if you elect to write it in first person, literally everything that isn't dialogue is a thought because the narrator is the protagonist. We are viewing the world through his eyes.

Versus

If you wrote it in second person, the reader is the protagonist, we see the world through our own eyes and the narrator may be either invisible or obtrusive. In this case, thoughts would be italicized.

I'm not sure which you mean is best though.

I just thought of writing it in first person to test it out, to see if it would work. After I wrote the first sentence, I liked the style, so I started writing it like that...

Neither is inherently better. A first person CYOA could be good, but I would think it would be a heck of a lot harder.

Personally, I prefer second person. I think it helps with the immersion.

Yeah, but you never know if you don't experiment. That's why I decided to see how it looks in the first place. I'll do a few more pages to see how it looks, then have a few users play it and see how they respond to it. If they like it, I'll keep the first person format, if they don't then I'll switch to second person format.

That sounds perfectly reasonable.

I hope you don't mind, but you'll be among those users.

CONFIRMED: 

Proofreading for Claw2k11 is a bitch. 

Hmm...

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Let's just say there's a lot to correct. XD

By correct, do you mean as in grammar, or the writing style(you know all that thing with the protagonist and his thoughts?)