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I'm almost positive no one remembers, but about a year ago I posted some clips from a stroy I was writing. Shorty after this I found I had lost my motivation. Well, I'm back now and progress is being made.so I wanted to take a couple of minutes to post part of it and get some feed back. I will be the first to admit my writing isn't spectacular but i hope you enjoy.

 

It was another quiet ride to school when suddenly, Sunny asked a question. "So what's your family like? I just realized I never asked." Sunny asked inquisitively, with what she thought was a subtle look at Tyler.

Tyler seemingly missed the look and spoke in a bored and dispassionate voice. "Mom is a heroin fiend, and if you know where my dad is that makes one of us."

Ignoring the concerned look Sunny was giving him he continued . "Sister is a raging bitch that got held back and tries to make my life hell. Well, I guess more like just a lower circle of it any ways." With that Tyler waved his hand dismissively as if to clear the air of such a topic.

"Your fine with all that?" Sunny asked not being a fan of how causally Tyler spoke negatively of his family.  All the response she got was Tyler sending her a look that just screamed of, 'what kind of an idiot are you?' The car fell into silence, and Tyler found himself glad for this as he pulled out a cigarette.

  

I'd be interested to see the Love and Hate aspects of this story, especially as one of the stories I have in my list uses the theme of finding the line of love and hate.  

What is the general plot of this storygame?  From what I can gather, I would guess the kid loves his family, because you know, they're his family, and maybe he even has good memories of them.

I would also venture to guess the hate aspect is something along the lines of the protagonist hating what they have become, or even also hating the hard shell he has had to make himself into.

Any way, that is all mostly speculation based off what I have read.  How many words do you currently have?

Actually, the story is more about how making seemingly small choices can have an effect on our personalities which has an impact on relationships. How small choices could also lead to us not "Being at at the right place at the right time" for whatever grand plan there might have been.  There will be a small touch of magic, but my hope is for this to be a more character driven story. What choices did they make to become who they are now. More importantly how do these choices impact how they interact with others. Is it possible that one poor choice could have enough of an impact that someone you would normally love you hate them instead and vice-versa. As for the word count not enough.    

Sounds pretty interesting.  Good luck!

Thank you, I hope it turns out interesting. 

This is a very short one, but I’ll give it a go. First, the disclaimers: this is my review. It is likely not like anyone else’s. In fact, you probably couldn’t find anyone else who completely agrees with what I write here. But it’s my opinion. I’m also writing this as I read through this for the first time. These are my first impressions as I read it. I’m not saying they’re right, just what I’m thinking. This is written in the spirit of helping you see how others see your story and to perhaps give you ideas for improvement, and not to be mean or anything else. Please don’t take it personally. This review is likely worth exactly what you paid for it. Finally, you did ask.

Here we go:

It was a decent start with good dialogue. The extra words felt a little forced: she asked inquisitively? Is that really more powerful than just asked? I don’t know. Maybe if you wanted to use that word choice you could just say that she inquired, though that does sound a little formal. The “subtle look” would go in that same category. Was that needed? I’m not sure how a subtle look goes with a blurting out of a question while riding on a quiet school bus, especially after the “inquisitively.”

I’m going the same direction with the next paragraph. I often like to see additional descriptions of things so they’re not bland and dry, but the “seemingly” seems to be extraneous here. Of course, I’m not sure how or why the look was supposed to be subtle, so I don’t know if it really matters if he did or did not miss the look, whether he seemed to miss it or not.

Minor issue in paragraph three: after “continued” I would assume a comma instead of a period was desired there to make the quotation go with the sentence. Since the conversation is continuing with the same person talking, I’m not sure if that needs to be a new paragraph, either. I do like the description of Tyler waving his hand to clear the topic, that’s nice.

Even if you are trying intentionally to make the speaker sound stupid, you really can’t do that by misspelling words that are homonyms: “Your” should be “You’re.” I think I see what you’re trying to do with the look, but that sequence of words with the “screamed of” in the middle of that long sentence just makes it clumsy and hard to read. It might work better leaving off the “All the responses she got was…” and have Tyler just shoot her a look. That way you’re not telling the reader what’s happening, the reader is actually seeing what’s happening, if that make sense.

My mind did run into a lot of questions at the end. They’re riding in a car, so it sounds like someone else is driving. I don’t know who, but I would suspect it wasn’t Tyler’s heroin fiend mom, and if it’s his dad, well that’s going to lead to some fun times. So I’m assuming that it is Sunny’s mom and Tyler just pulled out a cigarette. Is Sunny’s mom going to be okay with this? Because most moms today would not be, especially since they’re driving to school, which implies that Tyler is a minor, too. No big deal, it just leads me to some additional questions.

Overall this seems like a nice start and I do wish you luck with your writing!

Thank you for the great feedback. I admit I struggle with the less is more thing, especially with how wordy the sentences can get.  The spelling was a mistake, same with the period. And thanks for the point about the cigarette. It's actually supposed to be Sunny driving but i might want to clear that up better. I hadn't even thought about how that might've gotten lost in transition from my mind to the paper. It was good though to hear that the dialogue wasn't complete trash. I struggle with making it sound natural at all, usually it is forced beyond belief.   

So apparently I hate myself, because I have decided to put a bit more of the story here for review. Now this next part contains two of my greatest weaknesses. That being lots of dialogue and a fight. God, this part was one headache after another. Enjoy and once again any feedback is welcomed.

 

  

For what felt like the thousandth time, Tyler had zoned out during his morning classes. He and Sunny were walking towards the cafeteria, while she prattled on about some inane topic.

Suddenly she stopped and and in a low tone spoke up, "We're being followed. Blonde female, blue eyes keep your guard up." Sunny stated with an almost out of character amount of seriousness.

"Don't worry about that I'm sure she'll come start a public scene soon enough." Tyler drawled out in a long suffering fashion. It was Sunny's turn to look at Tyler like he was an idiot.  

True to his prediction it is was quiet until the pair had just taken a seat, when suddenly "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BIMBO!?"  a voiced roared out as a figure made its way towards them.

"Who the hell does this bitch think she is?" Grumbled Sunny as she shot the fast approaching female a glare that promised a world of pain. "Sunny I would like you to meet my sister, Lisa." Tyler stated clearly weary.

Sunny instantly calmed down a bit but was still glaring at the now identified Lisa. "Hey fuck face, you finally get a friend and you think your hot shit or something?" Lisa was seemingly oblivious to the very angry looking Sunny.

" I've tried contacting your dumbass, but suddenly you think you too good or some shit?"

Trying to clear the headache that was forming Tyler stated in a defeated tone, "Lisa, please just go away." Sunny was the only one who caught how Tyler's voice broke when he had said please, which only deepened the rage she was feeling at that moment.

"Why? So you can go back to fucking your little two dollar whore? You think this fake ass bitch actually gives a flying fuck about you? News flash she is just some gold digging slu-"

The rest of Lisa's tirade was cut short as Tyler stood up slamming his hands down on the table. He felt a rush of what he thought was adrenaline, yet it felt distant and oddly comforting.

In a cold commanding tone Tyler spoke never once breaking eye contact. " You can make fun of me all you want, but you will not talk about Sunny that way. DO I MAKE MY SELF CLEAR? " Tyler's voice never rose but the underlaying threat was not lost on anyone who had heard his statement.

After being taken aback for a moment, Lisa's face shifted into a mask of rage and hatred. " Oh, look who finally grew a fucking pair." Lisa retorted. Cocking her arm back Lisa threw a wild haymaker at Tyler intending to put him in his place.

The impact never came as in the next instant Sunny was standing while holding Lisa by the wrist. Sunny spoke, her voice a rage filled growl.

"Oh no, you fucking don't. I tried being nice since your his sister but no one touches my man, you lipstick lesbian bitch!" Pulling on the arm she was holding Sunny threw a punch that connected with Lisa as she was dragged forward into it.

Lisa instantly dropped like a puppet with all of its strings cut. "Damn, she rocked your world harder then any toy ever has." Tyler said to the clearly unresponsive Lisa.

Through the haze of her rage Sunny noticed something, that was the first time she had heard anything even resembling happiness in Tyler's voice. That quickly calmed her out of her rage as she began to worry.

Ah, back for more, I see! No, I’m glad to give it another shot. The same disclaimers apply from above: not intended to insult, random thoughts, my opinion, you asked, etc. Oh and I’m going into this one with a little knowledge from the first passage, but not a lot, so we’ll see what that gets me (if anything).

The first paragraph, to me, isn’t clear because it seems to jump around. We’re talking about how Tyler felt, then they’re walking, then Sunny is prattling on. I guess it seems like two things are happening here, so maybe it would be more clear to break them up so that we have Tyler zoning out first, then the scene switches to them walking and talking. But maybe not, I’m not completely sure on that one.

The next bit works well. I can picture them in the school hallway (assumed from the previous section), and Sunny getting all serious, then Tyler being deadpan and all Droopy-Dog. In the next paragraph, everything still works well, but when we switch from Lisa speaking to Tyler speaking, I think that’s supposed to be a new paragraph.

I lost it a little bit with the paragraph that starts with “Sunny instantly.” I though that was Sunny talking, because she was the subject of the first sentence, but after re-reading it a few times, I think that’s Lisa talking, but I’m not sure. And then, because I don’t know who that is, I really don’t know who is talking in the next sentence, starting with “I’ve tried contacting.”

Third to last paragraph I do believe “your” should be “you’re.” In that paragraph, I didn’t see how she was throwing a punch because I had pictured her holding onto Lisa’s arm with two hands. I guess that could be a little clearer with something like, “Pulling her in with one hand, Sunny took a swing with the other.” And then again in the next paragraph, since Lisa is the subject of the first sentence, it appears to be her speaking, but you did catch that with the “Tyler said.” If that were before the quote, it might be more clear.

Overall, this was really nicely done. I don’t have any major complaints about the sequence, and I followed along without any problems. I understood the conflict and had fun reading along. Keep up the good work!

Once again thank you for the feedback. Looking back over yeah I could see the mix up with the arm thing. Again I think just what I was thinking got lost a bit when I put it down. Again your and you're are kicking my ass thanks for pointing that out. With that first part they were walking and talking only, but maybe if I included something about it being lunch maybe it would work better. Though that risks it getting too wordy, I get the confusion with the dialogue, I was aware who was talking and how it flowed but I wrote it so some bias there I'll try to tighten that up. I tried for a bit of humor in this part but I'm glad it fit.