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So I started writing a fun little game to practice conditional links, variable usage, conditional text, and item use.

It turned into a horror game where you discover something in a room, make a choice that kills you or lets you live, then start over and find something else in another room.

I finally got around to finishing the game with two endings (based on number of deaths). I think it is publish ready, but would appreciate some help with proof reading and link testing. 

Basically I would just need assistance getting each ending to make sure you can get them both and that all the conditional links are working right. To me they seem to be, but I am worried about publishing it without at least one play tester (that didn't write it).

I can send all the answers to each life/death situation if you would like so you can do a full death and a full life run. If you want to proof read along the way I would appreciate it, since reading the story will be part of it anyway.

This is the link:

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/inheritance-house

Thank you so much, and let me know if I can help return the favor on a story of yours, or if you want credit in the title page or co-author areas.

Also if this is not allowed, or not a thing people ask on this forum, let me know.

Willing to help out, I'll tell you if I run into anything.

Thank you Chris113022! 

I was planning on reading your story in the previous post tomorrow, I will comment and let you know my thoughts.

Thanks a ton!

Already got some notes as I read, here they are just to get them out of the way real fast.

Hide the "DEATH" variable, would help immersion.
"Its" on first page should be "it's".
Run on sentence "You just hope it is in good enough shape to sell without putting money into it as you turn down another dirt road and lose cell phone reception, again.", would be best to split the second part about turning down the dirt road into a new sentence.
"Its" should be "it's" on second page.

Noticed you probably use "its" in place of "it's" a lot, usually helps to remember that "its" indicates possession ("This is its thing") while "it's" is "it is".

Alright, got one of the endings, page is labeled Final Boss 1-1? Pretty interesting, the whole "death/escape and loop" idea is neat as well. Had a friend who had a similar idea for his storygame a while back. There we definitely no broken links or anything that I could find, and I doubt there were any others because you did a good job keeping it nice and tidy. If you could, tell me how you get the second ending? 90% sure it involves dying more than I did (2 times btw) or not dying at all.

Thank you! I will check for the “It’s” and “Its” tomorrow. I am not the strongest with grammar so I appreciate the catch. I already turned off the death variable being visible. That was a play testing thing I forgot to turn off (lol).

the second ending will be if you die more, I think 3 or more deaths triggers it.

I am glad there are no broken links! I was also worried that I would link conditional text to the wrong play through, but sounds like that didn’t happen either! Yay! 

If you think it needs to be harder let me know, but I tried to make it so the right choice wasn’t just a random guess. I also should think about changing the last page titles, the 1-1 was so I knew to link it to the non death variable.

It happens to everyone, even I mix it up sometimes, all good.

Alright, I'll give it a quick run through to see if it's all good, will reply to this message to indicate yes or no.

There wasn't any conditional text that shouldn't have popped up from what I saw or anything missing, nope.

Right now, I'd say the difficulty is in a good sweet spot. One can survive if they think hard enough, or die if they're careless. Never felt like I was killed for no good reason, but even then being killed for no good reason kinda fits for a horror game of this sort lol.

Just got the second ending all good with 3 deaths.

Also, would suggest making it so the player can't leave the page where they find an item without the item, so they don't soft lock themselves or something. Second, should probably give them unique images, would definitely help with the overall mood of the story I feel. I don't think anybody's used the default item image in a long time.

Thank you Chris! I just finished my first play through of your game and loved it. Comments coming soon!

I will make the suggested item edits! I did not even consider changing the picture, or realize that I could! I also was worried about them not taking the item, I’ll see about making them have to have it or having it automatically show up in the inv.

I would love to help i love horror games and i think i give good reviews

Thank you Davefaster! Use the link and let me know if any issues you find! I appreciate the help.

Np love to help!

1.  I recommend leaning away from using exclamation points to evoke excitement—try to let the prose do that naturally.
2. Along the same lines, you should try to show more than tell,w hich I know is a cliché of writing instruction, but in this case I think you could benefit from it—instead of “and who knows what is up there!” try to evoke that feeling with description, rather than the narrator coming in and telling the reader how to feel.   (similarly, instead of “a good sign to start with!” on p. 2, just show us description, and we’ll get it that it’s a good sign.—ditto for “it is very plain…there doesn’t seem to be anything interesting here” on p. 3—if you tell us there’s nothing but dingy white walls, we’ll get it that it’s plain. And not interesting.)
3. “The right appears to have a person sized statue near the window, it almost looks like it is watching you.”  You need a hyphen between person and sized.  It’s a “person-sized statue” because that’s a compound adjective and I really *really* need to write an article about how to do those.  Also, replace that comma with a semicolon (or make it a new sentence.  You can’t connect two complete sentences with a comma.)
4. In “The Foyer” page, give me a reason to choose left, right, or the yard.  Otherwise it’s a coin flip.  What do I hear or smell, or notice?
5. I like the ocean theme description in the bedroom.  That’s neat. 
6. Here’s a big big tip for you that will increase your writing strength like 20%.  Don’t start sentences or clauses with “it” when you can avoid it.   That’s a weak/boring word for the prime real estate of a sentence start.
7. “The only thing that is missing is the bed”—that’s wordy and starts off too weak for such a strong idea.  What about just, “Oddly, there’s no bed.”  Or something like that.
8. “Guess I am going on…” is a bit confusing as a link.  Make that clearer, maybe with “Guess I am staying in here…”
9. The "Leaving" ending left me wanting a bit more description.  What's going on emotionally?  Is it relief?  Am I just happy to get out of there?  Is the laughing creepy?  I need a bit more in that ending.

I really hope this helps!

Wow there is a lot here! Thank you! I will look over this when I am at my computer, apply the changes, and go over the story with a fine tooth comb with all of it in mind. I will try to make it a bit stronger and provide more of the feeling without commands.

On a separate note thank you for reading and commenting on my other story (Clearstone). I appreciate all of your thoughts and went back through to realize just how much the story drags, particularly at the beginning. Going forward I think your review will help me a lot. 

I went through and updated with this in mind. I feel like I found a ton of stuff that needed work. It probably isn't even great, but it is for sure better. Thank you again for the comments, your eye for grammar is amazing.

I may do a final proof read/play through and wait until the weekend to publish. Every time I look at any page I find myself trying to change another sentence that starts with "it" and is really weak.

The key words to watch out for at the start of sentences are "this," "that," and "it" when they stand alone as the subject of a sentence.  If you are having trouble reworking one, throw it up here and we can work on it.

Excerpt from page "Death"

You scream and breakout crying. The pain disappears, but the memory does not. You open your eyes and see a bright light. Terrified you lay still breathing heavily. You can't decide if what is happening is part of a bad dream, or if you are dead. You never want to get close to fire ever again, and decide to head towards the light and end whatever this is once and for all! "Please don't go! I still need your help!" A female voice calls out. It's not anyone you recognize, but she sounds like she is in trouble.

Excerpt from page "Leaving"

From the backyard you find a gate that is rusted shut, but easily pried open. Over grown bushes make the uneven cobble stone path extremely dark. The path leads around the house, but you can't see the other side from here.You sprint down the path, not looking behind you as you run for your life. You hear something, or someone behind you. It's all the motivation you need to move faster. You pick up the pace and burst into the front yard. You don't stop at your car and just keep running down the road, you aren't letting whatever is chasing you get any closer.

It took  me awhile to find some examples. These excerpts are not as bad as they were, but I feel they could be better. The way these pages work these (or similar) mistakes are repeated for each play through. Rather than paste them all, I only put one example from each page.

Here's how I might do it (this is obviously in my style, but just to give you a sense of how you might mix up the sentence rhythm).

You scream and cry; the pain disappears, but the memory does not.  Terrified, breathing heavily, you open your eyes to bright light.  You might be having a bad dream, or you might be dead, but you know this:  you never want to get close to fire again.  May as well head towards the light, and end this--one way or another.

"Please don't go! I still need your help!" an unfamiliar female voice calls out, a note of panic in her voice.

The important bit is using cumulative sentences, and making the narrative voice a few notches looser.  And this is on me, because I promised some articles on this.  In the works.

(I'll take a crack at the other paragraph tomorrow.)

Your way reads smoother. I will take a few stabs at this (in my own words of course).

For the record I did not break the dialogue into a separate paragraph because that messes with the coding on the page. I have since found a way to fix that, although it does add a bit more work. I can break that out for every play through to make it read better. 

I am spending way more time polishing this story than I thought I would. I really appreciate the advise, I am learning a ton here.

Same excerpt as above from page "Death" after edits

You scream as tears stream down your cheeks; the pain is gone, but the memory is not. Terrified, breathing heavily, you debate wither you are dreaming, or dead. Opening your eyes to bright light, you vow never to get close to fire again. Heading towards the light may not be a bad idea to end this, once and for all.

Same excerpt as above from page "Leaving" after edits

From the backyard you find a gate that is rusted shut, but easily pried open. Over grown bushes make the uneven cobble stone path extremely dark along the side of the house. The other side is not visible from here. You sprint down the path, not looking back as you run for your life. You hear something, or someone, behind you motivating you need to move faster; picking up the pace and bursting into the front yard. Stopping for nothing, you keep running past your car, whatever is chasing you won't get any closer.

I tried not to steal too much from you, and use my own style. I am working on more too, but wanted to post an update!

What about,

A rusty gate, easily pried open, leads to an uneven cobblestone path.  Overgrown bushes, lining the path near the sie of the house, block out the light, and you proceed into darkness.   The other side is not visible here.  You sprint, eyes forward, running for your life.  Something, or someone, is behind you.

You run faster and faster, finally bursting into the front yard, running past your car, praying that whatever is chasing you will not get any closer.

(just my attempt--but just trying to show off a few different sentence structures.  By the way, your revision of that first paragraph is *so good*!)

That is good! I realize I still have a lot of mistakes in the story, but wanted to release it and stop fiddling with it last light after I changed every loop (haha). I love the advise you have on this, it is especially good for this genre, but will help with strong writing. If you make some articles about this I will probably keep them open while I write for awhile.

I like to think I was doing better at it, but I could tell when there were a few that i just fell flat. Either way, I know the quality of this story improved! I hope to carry the idea foreword in my next story, so that I do not have to go back and edit the whole thing once it is finished. 

Thanks for sharing these tips! They’re immediately helpful, and applicable to pretty much everyone.

Thank you, I am glad you liked it! 

I am going to publish soon, just working on some stronger sentences per a conversation in this thread.

It will likely be published later today (Friday).

I am from the states, I actually an from the mitten (Michigan). I stay up late usually, around 1 or 2 am eastern time, and work during the day. Most of the time I have to write is between 9 PM and 1 AM eastern time.

Where are you from?

Haha derailing conversations is a specialty of mine, so I will not complain about it. You are fine I appreciate you asking. I have not really been to Nebraska, but Arizona is really warm! Be prepared for winter if you have not experienced one yet haha.

Its a good game i like it took me a bit to realize that things change when you arrive again, which might be an issue when the normal retarded CYOan reaches that part. Make it more obvious what to do instead of making it by chance that will make the game better. instead of using ! to make exclamactions let you work do that. !!! make it cheesy. But for the most part the story is preety good. And make it a bit more descriptive that will lengthen the story.

Give more of a background story too longer stories are usually more succesful on the page

Thank you for the feedback, I am glad you liked it! 

I have heard the layout is confusing. It is supposed to be like an open world story, you can travel to any of the rooms at will, so it does make it a bit confusing. The idea was supposed to be you are walking around the house, and if you want to walk back and forth between two rooms like a moron, you can. I tried to add more direction on where to go, but the feel was supposed to be that you are stumbling around, not really looking for anything, and strange stuff starts happening. It also is designed so you can easily quit after any play through, but maybe that was a bad idea.

The story also started as a joke while testing how to use features, so the tone and bad punctuation were seen as acceptable. They later were hard to fix. I tidied to remove all the “!!!,” “...,” etc. I apologize if any were missed!

The descriptions I tried to work on, but I did want to keep it short, so I hope they are entertaining. I will try to make my next game more descriptive and longer. The background story is non existent now that you mention it, I was more focused on the links and “gameplay” than the actual story. Thank you for pointing it out! My only excuse is I was trying to make the reader feel like it was them in the haunted house, so I didn’t really create a character or backstory. I am not sure if that was felt, or if it even works... either way I will keep all of this in mind going forward!

Its okay i understand what you are getting at i did just realize this is your first game. And it was really good for a first game. The layout is good enough just don't put endgame link in the middle of the story i personally feel as if that makes the reader think they had to restart. 

And i like the open world format i think i visited every room 

Yeah that link might be trouble, especially if people don’t realize they can start over. Whoops!

You probably did hit every room, and I am glad you enjoyed it. It was very simple, so I am glad it was sort of fun.

And thank you! I wrote more of a story that was released recently as well. These stories have been more about getting used to the site, but I did put a lot of effort into them. Glad to hear they aren’t just garbage lol!

Glad to help!!! Ill check out your other games!!!!