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Toss around ideas and brainstorm your story.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

The night was cold and gray, not a star in sight. The clouds blocked them all, even the moon. The trees rustles with a chilly breeze as she searched for a sign of life, not even a snap of a twig from a squirrel. Then she sees a light from a building in the distance. The place looks like a hybrid between a barn and a cabin as she gets closer, shining the flashlight to find a way, but when she gets there, she didn’t know she was walking into a living nightmare.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

Inside the building that looked like a hybrid between a barn and a cabin, she saw creatures that looked like…

…hybrids between cows and lumberjacks. Literally: instead of black-and-white spots, the bodies of these things were adorned with black-and-white plaid. They were chewing hay and wearing woolen touques.

As for the cheese they were producing, well…

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

First off, that’s disgusting...

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago
What am I reading here exactly? Is there any context for this paragraph you've made into a thread? Well the first two sentences were okay anyway, but then we have this:
The trees rustles with a chilly breeze as she searched for a sign of life, not even a snap of a twig from a squirrel."
There is no "she" in the story at this point, in fact the only potential character introduced so far would be a "trees", who is apparently searching for something, but not a snap of a twig from a squirrel? The final sentence is a run on and your tense switches randomly throughout this, it even does it mid sentence in the example I posted. All very impressive for less than 100 words!

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

Thanks for the corrections. A slight rush on my part.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago
What was the time limit on this?

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

No time limit, I just rushed the typing.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago
Shall I? Why not. This is a fun way to procrastinate. Here we go:

The night was cold and gray, but there were no stars. So how was it gray? If there’s no stars, shouldn’t it be dark? And I mean really, really dark? If it’s gray, that implies cloud cover, too, so it should be absolutely pitch black. Unless, of course, you’re on some weird planet that doesn’t follow the rules of physics here on earth. That’s what I’m going to assume because even the next sentence helps point out that the moon is hidden. So the setting appears to be a foreign planet that has some kind of gray light emitting from the very surface of the planet. Neat, but creepy.

The trees rustles. Do they? If there’s more than one tree and more than one rustling going on, I’m assuming the trees are sentient and they’re running around trying to rustle up something to eat. I’m not sure what trees eat on your strange planet of gray, but that just makes this place extra creepy. I’m picturing that they have a wolf trapped in their circle of trees and they’re about to beat it with their dead cousins, old logs they have picked up. And all the trees are a singular she as well. Maybe they’re Borg trees or something. Anything goes when you have a sci-fi setting on a different planet, right?

But wait, the trees apparently don’t have a wolf trapped as the female trees are all searching for life, and they’re not finding it. I’m going to assume they’re not counting one another, because that would be a sign of life. So now we’ve got this circle of tall pine trees on a barren planet of gray, and they’re searching for life among the boulders and moon rocks as they try and rustle up something to eat for dinner. And maybe they’re specifically looking for a squirrel, but maybe they should look inside one another because that seems like the most likely place to find a squirrel on a barren moonscape of a planet.

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? The tree collective spots a building with light! And it is no normal building, no! Instead this is one of the most dangerous kinds of buildings that can be found on this strange planet, the one-window-light barn-cabin hybrid! So now the tree circle pulls a flashlight out of their… well, we’ll leave that to the imagination of the reader. But they now all have flashlights on this gray planet and they’re going to check out the babin (that’s the correct name for a barn-cabin hybrid, right? Or is it caarn?).

Now I’m not sure what kind of nightmare these flashlight-wielding trees without a squirrel can imagine. Do trees even sleep? Well, apparently on this planet they do. And now they’re scared trees. I wonder if they’re going to start a tree stampede across the barren surface of the gray-light emitting planet. Or maybe their worst nightmare is a guy with a really big axe. Wait, no, the nightmare might be that they recognize some of their friends in the very construction of the babin! AhhhhHH!

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

Now I regret letting the world see my ideas... Is there a way to take this all down?

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago
Years ago, I was in a situation like you are right now. Yes, you suck but keep trying to write every day, and with time and effort you will improve and people will enjoy your stories. Please, keep trying.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

Thanks for confirming my lack of writing skills. I’m working on something as we speak, but now as I’m looking for partners on the project, I find myself discouraged and not wanting to shall we say, cast pearls? Unless you are willing to partner with me on this project, I would prefer not to share my ideas anymore.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago
Hmmmm. Well if you're going to put it that way, I guess I have to be the one to point out that what you've written so far is more like the stuff that comes out of swine. Which has nothing to do with pearls, I'm sorry to say.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

If I were you, I'd worry less about getting a partner on the project and more about improving your own skills.  You don't need anyone else to help you write something good, you just need to sit down and crank the words out.  If people tell you it's bad, there's a reason for it, and you need to take any advice or criticism they give you to heart.  Once you've done that, either go back and fix the problem, or make something new with what you've learned in mind.  

Right now, your problem is that you've hardly written anything whatsoever, or at least, you haven't shown us if you have.  If I were you, I'd go write a short story of at least a thousand words, so you have something small under your belt, then post it in the creative corner for criticism.  Writing anything of value takes time and a lot of it.  Even a couple of pages can take a couple hours to get right with proper editing, a fact that most beginners don't understand right out of the gates.  It's why so many people who've hardly written anything more than an occasional essay for school think they can hammer out a novel or full storygame in under a month.  No one is going to want to partner with someone who hasn't gotten at least a small storygame under their belt (small being 10-15k words), or something of equivilent length, because they don't know if you've got what it takes to finish and make it good.

That said, you can get good, if you really want to.  I'm sure you've had the phrase "practice makes perfect" drilled into your head since you were a small child, so adhere to it.  You'll probably get some negative comments, (goodness knows I did), but that's just part of the process.  I hope to see you make something interesting sometime in the future, because I know you can.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

Quit trying to find a partner for this. It's an option, but it's usually one that's requested by noobs that want someone else to do their work for them. Don't be that guy.

Yeah. You're not good yet. I was the same when I got here. I'm still not good yet, but I don't write enough to change that. Poisonmara is night and day from when she started here. You can still choose which one of us you want to be like.

"Throwing pearls before swine" is a biblical parable about not presenting prescious things to people that will tear it apart. For one, you're going to need to show people what you wrote if you want to improve. Just like you did where all of your mistakes were pointed out. For two, you just called us all pigs. Be carefull with your parables.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago
No, you just randomly dumped five incoherent sentences onto the board people use when trying to get serious feedback on their work. Now you must suffer. There really aren't many ideas to be found in the tiny paragraph you dropped on us, if it makes you feel better. If you could write maybe ten times the amount you posted, and proofread and edit it, you'd have a first page and the people who give real critiques would have something to work with.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

It was sunset as they were driving to stay at her Grandpa’s. She knew he shouldn’t be driving drunk. He swerved and drove the car into a ditch hitting a tree. He was knocked out by the wreck and she got out of the car. The damage was extreme and the sun was setting quickly. She propped his body up and went to the trunk where they kept their luggage and got a flashlight. The sun was all but gone now and a breeze drifted, sending a chill through her royal blue sweater. She turns on the flashlight and goes out to the road. Looking both ways, she sees hardly anything that could help them in their predicament. She heads back to the car and sees a shack on a ridge. She climbs it and finds a half eaten turkey carcass. The shack itself is dilapidated and rotting away with a caved in roof and warped floor boards. Faintly smelling of cedar, the shack holds nothing that would help. She climbs down the ridge, but finds a trail winding in the direction of a mountain. She follows the trail having no other option. The trail becomes nonexistent as she starts hiking. The beam of her flashlight illuminates the trees around her and there was no sound but the rustling of the trees and the footfalls from her already worn sneakers. Not even a bird chirp, nor the chirping of crickets. The trail slowly becomes a hike, and the breeze picks up. She rubs her arms chilly and hungry from the hike. Not knowing what time it is and not seeing the stars, nor the moon above, adds to the desperate wish to find someone to help. As she continues, she sees a light from a window in the distance and starts towards it. The building is large and seems to be a hybrid between a cabin and a barn. It lies just over the ridge. She wades through tall grass brushing her jeans, and the cold night air blowing her face, to arrive at the building. The light is gone and there seems to be a door made of sheet metal. It’s so rusted, it doesn’t seem like it would open. There must be someone inside...

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago
Commended by mizal on 4/16/2020 9:34:44 PM
Okay first up, please use paragraphs to better convey your text. I did so below and will be giving my reactions per paragraph. Remember it's late for me, so my feedback may be more cranky than intended.

'It was sunset as they were driving to stay at her Grandpa’s. She knew he shouldn’t be driving drunk. He swerved and drove the car into a ditch hitting a tree. He was knocked out by the wreck and she got out of the car. The damage was extreme and the sun was setting quickly. She propped his body up and went to the trunk where they kept their luggage and got a flashlight. The sun was all but gone now and a breeze drifted, sending a chill through her royal blue sweater.'

This reads like a summation of facts. Every sentence is almost like its own private island that doesn't communicate with its neighbours. This results in the text feeling... cranky. She does this. He does this. He does that. The damage was thus.

You could add emotions and thoughts into the whole thing to brighten the whole thing up. She knew he shouldn't be driving drunk, but why didn't she act upon that knowledge? Was she too exhausted to care, or maybe afraid? How was the damage? Show the damage, let us see the wretched wreck with bent tires and dented doors instead of telling that the damage was extreme.

Next up is the crash. And then the crash was gone again. Thus far you could have a whole page or a short story of 1000 words detailing the things that happened. You did it in seven sentences. In this case less is not more. I guess she is the main character. How is she after the crash? Why is she acting as a robot afterwards? Is she in shock or has she a crash every week?

'She turns on the flashlight and goes out to the road. Looking both ways, she sees hardly anything that could help them in their predicament. She heads back to the car and sees a shack on a ridge. She climbs it and finds a half eaten turkey carcass. The shack itself is dilapidated and rotting away with a caved in roof and warped floor boards. Faintly smelling of cedar, the shack holds nothing that would help.'

So she is definitely the main character. Notice how in 80% of this paragraph the sentences start with 'she' followed by a verb? Unless you do it for a very specific and poetic reason, it is frowned upon as bad quality writing. Although the sentences become more complex near the end of it, so good job on that.

That leaves me with room to critique the story itself. Thus far both of your characters have shown zero personality. Why would I, as a reader, care about some nameless, vague figures? It doesn't allowe me, as a reader, to bond with your world.

A pace that is way too fast becomes a recurring theme. Now I know there is a ditch, a tree, a road and a shack on a ridge. Oh and it's a chilly night. That's hardly a proper location, is it? Give yourself a few sentences to let the world breathe and show itself to us. Let the world have its own flair, its own feeling. Is it a lone tree, a moshy ditch? The shack is dilapidated (great word!), but is it a big canvas shack, held up by some rotten sticks, or something else entirely?

'She climbs down the ridge, but finds a trail winding in the direction of a mountain. She follows the trail having no other option. The trail becomes nonexistent as she starts hiking. The beam of her flashlight illuminates the trees around her and there was no sound but the rustling of the trees and the footfalls from her already worn sneakers. Not even a bird chirp, nor the chirping of crickets.'

This reminds me. Why didn't she call for help. We have a Lara Croft starting a hike as 'he' lies propped up in the car, unconscious and all that. Does she hate him? He did drive drunk after all.

Anyways, a mountain shows up. Is it that mountainous that a mountain is simply that, a mountain? Or is it 'the' mountain that you see for miles ahead? Oh and the sentences become simple again, that isn't good.

Also the structure is weird. I get it, it's to create an atmosphere of the creepy silent forest at night. But there is no sound except this, and this, and this, feels a weird way of phrasing it. Speaking of phrasing, footfalls is also a weird word I don't like. I would rather have a rythmic crunch of the worn soles against the dry sand.

'The trail slowly becomes a hike, and the breeze picks up. She rubs her arms chilly and hungry from the hike. Not knowing what time it is and not seeing the stars, nor the moon above, adds to the desperate wish to find someone to help. As she continues, she sees a light from a window in the distance and starts towards it. The building is large and seems to be a hybrid between a cabin and a barn. It lies just over the ridge. She wades through tall grass brushing her jeans, and the cold night air blowing her face, to arrive at the building. The light is gone and there seems to be a door made of sheet metal. It’s so rusted, it doesn’t seem like it would open. There must be someone inside...'

The first two sentences convey no new information. You already mentioned the hiking part and the chilly part. I guess the hungry part is new, no mind the blood pumping adrenaline from the now forgotten crash, but it is told so detached, as an observator of insects, that it hardly makes an impact.

Ah, we have our first emotion to the 'she'. She is desperate. That's a good start, but how is she desperate? Is she the crazy desperate type that wails to the forest, or the quiet desparing type that shut the world out?

The new paragraph is what you already sent, so I'll be brief on that one. A hybrid between X and Y is a lazy way to describe it, because it is so vague. Try to find the words that convey the exact meaning of the picture you try to paint, or try to come as close as possible by combining it with an adjective.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago
Is there a reason neither of them had a phone? I don't know who 'he' is. Obviously it's not the grandpa, since that's who they were going to stay with. I can only guess this is a husband, or father? But those are obviously very different things and would change this situation and the reader's understanding of who 'she' is. Since this 'pronoun out of nowhere, connected to nothing previously defined' thing has happened with both blurbs you posted, I think it's safe to assume this will be an ongoing issue, so that would be a good focus for something to work on first. We don't exactly learn anything about the POV character either, but at least we have 'is the POV character' as something to lock on to. There is zero emotional reaction to the wreck or 'he' being severely injured. I cannot bring myself to care for this robot woman or her situation. And honestly, the entire thing feels robotic, just one factual, disinterested statement after another. All mashed together in a block...maybe break up your paragraphs? The shack faintly smelling of cedar and the tall grass brushing her jeans are probably the best attempt to connect with the reader in here, but in the latter's case the sentence itself just doesn't work grammatically. Anyway, show, don't tell, yadda yadda. That's an issue here as far as maintaining interest, but the main obstacle right now is grammatical. Besides so many sentences just....not working, there's the matter of tense switching, again. You start out with past and then she turns on the flashlight and it's suddenly present. Look, a lot of people can pick up grammatical stuff just naturally by reading books and so on, but there are some who can't. In that case, you need to teach yourself the foundational stuff for putting sentences together. There are tons of free guides out there, just do a search for diagramming sentences, direct and indirect objects, clauses, and such. Here's one I found in about ten seconds that breaks down parts of a sentence, and here's another with a lot of definitions for grammatical terms. I'm sure there's stuff that's better out there as well as guides on YouTube and such. Gower has written some useful articles as well. Just forgot the prose/story stuff right now and focus on getting together the basic building blocks of clearly communicating the things you want to say.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

I created a non entity main character on purpose. Perhaps I need only flesh out the conceptual landscape in which this world is in. I was also saving certain details for the actual game itself. Tips on shaping the setting?

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago
If your ideas shattered during first contact with the outside world, are they even worth it?

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago
Well, I had a similar experience when I started to write in English and people were really nasty and rude to me. However, even if I stopped writing for a while, I always try hard to improve myself day to day. However, I have never been rude to people who are telling me the truth. I try to use that to move forward. Considering yourself a pearl doesn't help anyone. Because impede improving further. I just hope that he started to learn about how deal with the truth, and use that to getting better.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

I have the exposition of my story... I apologize for my rudeness and reactions.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago
Hey, it was meant all in fun. I just write the way my mind interprets what it sees to help others see what I see when I read what they've written! It's usually quite off, just like my mind.

The house on the mountain range...

5 months ago

What do you all think?