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Would like critique on a comedy WIP

5 months ago

Hey guys! I don't know if anyone will see this, but I'm looking for critique on my story game I've been working on for almost a year. I haven't been writing it this whole time, just every few months. It's a humorous, fun story game where the only goal is to be not hungry. It also goes into what it's like living with depression every day, but that's more of a background element. The page titles aren't finalized, as they're currently more descriptive so I know which ones they are.

The main writing style may seem lazy or under detailed, but that is intentional. I wanted it to sound blunt and unenthusiastic. If you choose the "look around" options, the writing gets a lot more detailed.

Here's the link! http://chooseyourstory.com/story/you're-hungry

Would like critique on a comedy WIP

5 months ago

I'm not sure I agree with how you're going about being blunt and unenthusiastic. It ends up being a bore to click on anything that immediately accomplishes nothing and returns you to the previous list of options, with only one correct option that progresses the game. It's also disheartening to encounter an option called go to McDonald's and be told you don't like McDonald's, as the player (who controls the character) wanted them to perform an action and was overridden with the narrator essentially saying "your character wouldn't do that".

I'd just describe things apathetically instead, e.g. "the drywall is dirty per the usual, and unfortunately, the grime doesn't look edible". There's a decent description for a boring object, and when you describe enough things like that, you quickly get across both apathy and hunger in the character's thoughts.

You mention humor, but I don't see much. You could improve that. Apathy can be shown sarcastically as in the previous example, which would help. Situational humor works, like finding out you had molded twinkies in the opaque layers of dust behind a shelf, and maybe you could eat around the edges. Whatever you figure out, but definitely work on the humor.